Victory near in war on poverty

[SamIam]

From a breaking story by Fox News:

In a stunning joint statement, President Obama and incoming House Speaker John Boehner (R) announced late Sunday night that victory is finally in sight in the war on poverty. Newly implemented tough bi-partisan strategies along with a massive surge in force by Homeland Defense are cited as being responsible for the government’s success. The poor are being driven out of the slums where they had been all but invisible and into the suburbs where they are easily detected and picked off. As a result, large groups of those living below the poverty line have begun to surrender to Social Security administrators in all 50 states.

Some hold-outs across the country are still fighting on, however. In New York City’s Central Park, around a 100 homeless people have banded together to throw rocks and empty Ripple bottles at social service workers who have been trying to round up these unlawful enemy combatants for 10 days without success.

In Minnesota, 187 low income elderly who had been attempting to live on small social security pensions massed on the steps of the state capital in St. Paul. These old reprobates then threw walkers, canes, and false teeth down on State Legislators who were attempting to enter the state capitol building to debate a bill which would make poverty illegal in the State of Minnesota.

And in the Western US, approximately 200 disabled New Mexicans who had been living beneath the radar on SSI are believed responsible for New Mexico’s recent upsurge of guerilla activity. Tourists in Santa Fe have reported being subjected to barrages of small, wooden “Santos” and numerous chile ristas thrown by people in wheelchairs and on power scooters. The gimpy banditos then hobble off down Santa Fe’s winding back streets and disappear.

As the fighting slowly winds down across the country, many state legislatures are following the Minnesota lawmakers’ example (see above). Also, in addition to making poverty a criminal offense, several states, led by Alaska, have introduced legislation which will strip US citizenship from anyone found to be living below the poverty line.

Former Alaskan State Governor, Sarah Palin explained. “Well golly, it should be obvious. America is The Land of Opportunity - amber waves of grain and fruited plains everywhere you look,” Palin said, waving vaguely at a glacier. Look at all those little old Korean immigrants who move to Watts without a dime, start a business and in 3 years are earning a $100,000/year. So, any red-blooded American should be able to move to Watts and become a millionaire, at least. Look at me – little “Sarah barracuda.” But with that last deposit in my offshore bank account from BP, I’m gonna be the next president! Gee, that dead polar bear over there is ruining the shot! Turn off the cameras!”

Meanwhile, Southwestern states, including California and Texas want to send their low-income former residents across the border into Mexico. Governor Rick Terry of Texas said, “For years Mexico’s poor have flooded across our borders. Now it’s time for Mexico to finally take their illegal’s back, and make room for our poor, as well. Let’s see how Mexico likes it! Plus, if we take away these people’s US citizenship and declare them to be “unlawful combatants,” not only will Mexico be unable to deport them back to the US, they won’t be able to send them anywhere else, either. We’ll be killing two birds with one stone – getting revenge on the Mexican government and solving our own poverty problem at the same time!”

(continued on www.republicanwetdream.com)

[TheMercenary]

That was pretty funny...