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Old 02-28-2017, 04:46 PM   #1
xoxoxoBruce
The future is unwritten
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 59,704
I Fought The Law

You know what happened.

1 . Law of Mechanical Repair
- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity
- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability
- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers
- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law
- If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath
- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters
- The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result
- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10 . Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena
- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law
- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers
- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. (This is also true for parking spaces. If the parking lot is empty the next person will park adjacent, AND CLOSELY, to you.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces
- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14. Law of Logical Argument
- Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance
- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16. Law of Public Speaking
-- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors' Law
- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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Old 02-28-2017, 05:38 PM   #2
BigV
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Seattle
Posts: 24,121
Re: law 4

What is this "busy signal" you speak of, old timer?
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Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. -- Marcus Aurelius, philosopher and writer (121-180)
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Old 02-28-2017, 07:08 PM   #3
xoxoxoBruce
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Posts: 59,704
OK kid, voice mail.
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Old 02-28-2017, 09:09 PM   #4
monster
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Law of Duplication
as soon as you replace a lost item, you will find it.
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Old 03-04-2017, 08:00 AM   #5
Snakeadelic
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#1 also applies to food service. I absolutely CANNOT work the cashier stand at a restaurant, or the chow line at a special event, without the tip of my nose itching like a mad bitch the second I get near the food. It's psychosomatic, it's been there as long as I can remember, and customers in my far-distant food-service past have actually asked if I was healthy enough because apparently constantly having my nose itch makes me look like either a cocaine addict or someone with about 2 days to live.
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Old 03-04-2017, 08:05 AM   #6
Snakeadelic
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I have violated #3 personally. BEST pratfall of my entire life! I was in a gaming store and, after checking out a shelf adjoining the nearly-empty (one dude with his face in a rulebook) tabletop rpg/card tourney corner. Trip on a chair? No. Trip on a table? No. See, out in the middle of everything is this huge white wood...box...on the floor, built in to cover some kind of piping or wiring. About 18 inches tall, bright white against green linoleum. What do I do? Why, I turn and stride majestically forward!

Only to have the wood shell stop my leading foot cold. I didn't get bloody or anything...but I did fold at the hip and end up with my feet on the floor on one side of the box and my hands on the floor on the other side. Dude with the book didn't even look up, cashier was taking a call, and the only other person anywhere near involved (driver for the trip) was outside having a smoke.
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Old 03-04-2017, 08:06 AM   #7
Snakeadelic
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Items #7 and 8 have made my life more...entertaining...for DECADES. This is a great list!
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Old 03-04-2017, 08:16 AM   #8
Snakeadelic
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#17 is the one that leads to me being severely annoyed a lot. And occasionally accidentally endangered now, thanks to my non-awesome downstairs neighbor. My awesome (insane biker) downstairs neighbor bought a box of off-brand big black yard bags so he could do a huge post-holiday garbage run through his apartment. Opened it up and HOLY HELL you jerks LABEL YOUR SCENTED PRODUCTS. We're still only halfway through the box, because in order to use one without sending me to the ER because of the artificial scent impregnated into the plastic, we have to flap it open and leave it out in the garage overnight. The hand lotion that used to keep the soles of my feet from peeling off or cracking bloody? Now scented. The alcohol-free mouthwash my dentist pretty much insists I use? Gonna have to go to the big town for that...50 miles EACH. WAY. For mouthwash, because none of the 4 grocery stores in town even carry any kind of alcohol-free mouthwash. The Gevalia decaf coffee that was good enough to get us to buy a membership? Now only sold in caffeinated. Even online. I hate #17.

I just broke #18--went in for a followup on my absolute least favorite medical test, and was actually sicker when I got to the appointment than when I had the test done. My doctor is starting to come around; my dentist figured it out a couple years ago when I introduced him and his staff to the term "freak flossing accident." In my case, this is what you tell the dentist when your genetically-awful teeth weaken for no apparent reason and one night you're flossing away and TINK! Acrylic filling in the sink. He stopped telling me it was all my years of lackadaisical oral care around about that time and started asking more questions about my mom's dental history since I don't know my male bio-donor's side (my mom is my birth mom, but my dad adopted me during their first marriage when I was 5, so he's only my dad in my heart and on paper).
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