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Old 04-16-2004, 05:34 PM   #196
Radar
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hmmm bad link. Nevermind
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Old 04-17-2004, 02:12 PM   #197
cowhead
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gurk..bleargh...jokes

Alright, years go there were two friends, the best friends in all the world.. Sam the Clam and Larry the Lobster, they spent all thier time together frollicking in the ocean, laughing, talking and generally causing the other marine life around them to give cause to stop.. point and speculate about 'just how close they really are..." at the weekly Bingo games..(but I assure they were just good friends.) but I digress... One day as they were merrily playing in a tidal pool some young buck strolls by and in that high squeaky voice that only young children have "look mommy!" as the proverbial 'hand of doom' reached into the tidal pool and pulled Sam the Clam from this world and into the next...Larry in a sudden pique of flight of fight reflex..fled..ran and ran and ran.. (and as you can imagine, that's kind of tricky for a Lobster on dry land..) back into the sea, narrowly escaping a simliar fate..
Once he was back in the ocean, he waited for a while to see if his old friend Sam the Clam would return.. he waited and waited and waited but eventually the reality of the situation settled on him like a ton of bricks (hee hee).... he became horribly morose and utterly depressed.. he began hanging out in the shadier sides of the reef and associating with lesss reputable species.. cuttlefish....gulf shrimp.. and moray eels... nasty bunch.. anyway! he stopped eating, sleeping and well.. eventually the life style he was leading caught up to him.. and Larry the Lobster shuffed off this mortal coil...
everything went black..
he saw a tunnel of light... and he began to ascend... the faces of friends and loved ones beckoned him onward..
eventually there he stood before the pearly gates...the sight was amazing! (and at the time he supressed a little victory dance.. he didn't feel it would be appropriate to do a little shimmy in the face of God..) SO! looking about and wondering what to do next.. he spies a tall handsome bearded fellow standing behind a podium.. this being really the only thing he sees... and being not the sharpest knife in the drawer.. figures (and rightly so) that perhaps this fellow could help.. so off Larry went..
Larry: "uh.. hello..I seem to uh.. be new here..and I was wondering what i should do now?"
St, Peter "AH.. welcome Mr. Lobster.. we've been expecting you"
Larry "really?... I mean towards the end there and all..I..uh.."
St peter "think nothing of it..."
Larry "on my way up I saw the faces of all my loved oned and all that.. but there was one I didn't see...."
St. Peter "oh.. Sam the Clam....."
Larry (excitedly) "RIGHT! he was just busy during my ascention (suprising himself that he remembered such a big word)....wasn't he?!"
St. Peter "ah..well you see....Sam didn't lead a life such as yours.. and *clearing throat* other accomodations had to be provided..."
Larry "What! you mean!!?!?!?!?!?!?"
St. Peter "yes.. that's right.." (pointing downward, shaking his head with a sad look in his eyes)
Larry "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I never even got to say goodbye..." (as he breaks down into a fit of hysterical sobbing)
St Peter "Look, Larry.. I tell you what.. we brokered a deal with the Infernal powers...It allows new arrivals an opportunity to travel to the Nether Regions to say good bye to thier not so 'propper' Loved ones.. before they get through the gates of heaven.. I take it you'd be up for that then?"
Larry (with a hopefull look in his eyes) "really...."
St. Peter "really here's the catch though...you have two weeks, no more and no less, and we're going to give you your wings, your Halo and your Harp now.. so they don't just throw you into a lake of fire or somesuch.."
Larry "lake of fire....."
St Peter "not to worry, as long as you have your wings, your Halo and you Harp.. when you get back... everything will be fine and you can bask in the glory of god for all eternity"
Larry "alright! lets go!"
so donning his wings and halo with his harp slung jauntily over one of his many shoulders off he goes.. the Elevator arrives and in he steps..
of course there is only one button...thankfully for Larry..
SO! down he goes.. and down and down and down.. eventually the lift stops.. and the doors slide ominously open... to reveal....An exact copy of Las Vegas crossed with Branson Missouri and New Jersey... ah teh smell of cheap perfume, swamp gas and buttered pop-corn assailed poor Larrys' Nostrils.... but after a moment his head had cleared up and he felt more or less alright.. so off he went in search of his long lost friend...Sam the Calm.. after stumbling around the Hellish conglomeration for a while.. he eventually spies an "information booth" and a large handsome, reddish fellow...casually thumbing through the new tax codes and chuckling a little under his breath...
Larry "uh... helllo sir?"
The Devil "Oh.. Hello....ah have you had a look at this?" (lifting the 40,000 page volume into view) "some of my best work yet.."
Larry "no sir..I'm just a lobster...I've never had to pay taxes..or have a job"
The Devil "hmmmm... well... that's no good..we'll see what we can do about that...But! anyway how may I help you young Lobster?" (breaking into his trademarked 'sly grin'
Larry "I'm uh.. looking for a friend of mine.. they said he was here..."
The Devil (producing an envelope from no-where) "Tell you what..if i can guess the name of your friend...I get to keep your imortal soul...deal?" (raising the envelope to his forhead...)
Larry "uh... no sir...I've already gotten my wings, Halo and Harp.. they're really expecting me back..."
The Devil "oh....alrighty then...*sigh* but i do love that tick..." (pening the envelope slightly dejectedly..) "Ah! Sam the Clam... yes.. he owns a disco down the street..."
Larry (looks down the nearest street only to discover to his horror that every builing is a disco!) "but..but..how ever will I find him?"
The Devil "Mwaa-haa-haa-haaa!... ah that's nt as much fun as it used to be....it's the 300,000th disco to the left... have fun... you want i should call you a cab?..."
Larry "uh no thanks...." and off he runs
eventually there he is standing before his old freind Sam the Clams disco.. In he goes and it is a joyous tearful re-union suffice to say the two old friends spend the entire week induldging in all of Hells finer pleasures
Larry blacks out... doesn't remember much of anything.. except at the end of the two week period sam and some other crustations pouring him into the elevator wishing him happy basking and promises that we'll keep in touch...
SO! hte elevator finally arrives back in heaven... Larry staggers out of the elevator and stumbles up to St. Peter..
Larry "oooooohhhhh ouch"
St. Peter "Bravo young Mr. lobster! you're back right on time... lets se if you have all your things so you can get into heaven..."
Larry "oooohh ouch"
St. Peter..." let's see it looks like you've got your wings...check"
Larry (rolling over to vomit one more time) "uuuhhhh"
St Peter "you've got your Halo...check"
Larry "aaasprin.. please god...have mercy"
St Peter "hmmm.. but where is your harp?..Larry! where's you'r Harp?!?"
Larry (in sudden shock!) "OH NO! I LEFT ME HARP IN SAM CLAMS DISCO....(sorry you have to say it out loud


secondly
Q.) how many animals can you find in a pair of womens pantyhose?

A.) 10 little piggies
2 calves
1 ass
1 beaver
and a fish no one can seem to find
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Old 04-17-2004, 03:33 PM   #198
Radar
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That was the longest pun I've ever heard! <slaps you upside the head with a joke book>
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Old 04-17-2004, 03:36 PM   #199
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Quote:
Originally posted by Radar
That was the longest pun I've ever heard! <slaps you upside the head with a joke book>
YEAH, I'M PISSED. that's 4 or 5 minutes of my life that i'll never get back......that huge long tale just for a lousy pun? you should be ashamed, sir. ashamed, I say!
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Old 04-17-2004, 03:39 PM   #200
lumberjim
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Quote:
(sorry you have to say it out loud
you want a good "out loud" joke?

it's much shorter.

ask some one " what's the opposite of above me?"

the answer is "below me" said out loud, you'll hear " blow me"

try it out on your mother in law.
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Old 04-17-2004, 09:47 PM   #201
xoxoxoBruce
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I liked it, Cowhead, don't mind the whiners.
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Old 04-18-2004, 12:56 PM   #202
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A really old Jewish man wins the largest jackpot in California lottery history. He's on television accepting his giant check when a reporter asks him if he'd like to say anything.

The old man says, "Yes, I would like to thank Hitler!"

The reporter is shocked and asks "Hitler!?!? You want to thank Hitler?!?"

The old man points to his arm and says, "Yep, he's the one who gave me the numbers."
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Old 04-18-2004, 10:24 PM   #203
cowhead
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you didn't have to read it you know :))

I've got more along the same line.. so be carefull or you'll get both barrells .

speaking of bad jokes that you have to say out loud.
Q.) what do you call a deer with no eyes?
A.) a bad eye deer

Q.) what do you call a with no eyes and no legs?
A.) Still no eye deer

Q.) what do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and copulating?
A.) still no f*cking eye deer

bah dump dump dah! thanks folks I'll be here all week at five and nine... don't forget to tip your bartenders and waitesses!

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Old 04-18-2004, 11:00 PM   #204
lumberjim
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Mr. and Mrs. Whale are swimming along in the ocean when they come across some stranded sailors in a lifeboat. Mr. says to Mrs. Whale, "Hey, go blow some bubbles under their boat and see what happens!"
"I don't know," Mrs. Whale says, "well, ok." So she gets right under the boat and start blowing bubbles. Suddenly the boat turns over and all the sailors are in the water.
"That was Great!" Mr. Whale says, " Hey, eat some and see how they taste!"
"Look," says Mrs. Whale, "I went along with your blow job but NO WAY am I going to swallow any Seamen"
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Old 04-19-2004, 11:40 AM   #205
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This isn't exactly a joke, but I did find it humorous.

From the Netflix web site... renter reviews of the DVD "Strawberry Shortcake: Get Well Adventure":

"Don't get me wrong - I like Strawberry Shortcake and my two-year old twins adore "cake", but this DVD is horrible. The story is based around Honey Pie Pony sustaining an injured leg and her friends, including Huckleberry Pie and Orange Blossom, coming to her rescue. They bend over backward for her and all she does is complain. It would be fine if it were once or twice, but the dang pony just keeps droning on and on and on, which quickly becomes painful & frustrating to listen to."

"I have never seen a Strawberry Shortcake book, movie or cartoon. I was shocked to see how much sugary treats occupy the characters' attention. It encourages kids (directly and indirectly) to have bad nutrition. The narrative, characters and plot were not enough to make me overlook this (as I do for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I confess). Insipid, shallow, annoying, and bad for the teeth."

"So it's no surpise that this is sickly sweet, is it? For parents of girls ages 3 to 7, turn on the DVD and run like heck into the other room. My girls loved it, but I couldn't take it, even as background noise. What little bit I saw was harmless .... maybe a bit heavy on the reference to sweets, so beware if you're trying to pursue healthy eating with your kids. The "tension", if any, in the show is from an injured pony's bad attitude about being bedridden. No violence; I don't even think the pony's fall is shown. Rent at your own risk for your kids, then run ...."


And yes, this DVD will be appearing at the Dallas household in the next couple of days. Anybody wanna come over & watch it?
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Old 04-19-2004, 01:30 PM   #206
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CNN Urban Style



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Old 04-19-2004, 04:03 PM   #207
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Thanks to UT's blog link for this one.

Quote:
The Essex Girl is something of the trans-Atlantic equivalent to the quintessential blonde, a slag (invariably called "Sharon") whose IQ is in inverse proportion to her promiscuity. Most of the jokes are unprintable.

An Essex girl went down to the social services to get her family allowance. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, and Kevin," she answered.
"They're all named Kevin?" he asked. "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'Kevin' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Kevin, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their surname."

Q. Why are Essex girls only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

Q: Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

more.

Last edited by Torrere; 04-19-2004 at 04:18 PM.
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Old 04-20-2004, 07:11 PM   #208
Sun_Sparkz
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These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie. ...

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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Old 04-20-2004, 08:25 PM   #209
BrianR
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I do believe that was the funniest post thus far!!!!!
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Old 04-21-2004, 03:59 PM   #210
BrianR
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state motto contest

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not,
But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Swedens
(For Most Tax Brackets)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,
Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oregon: Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee: The Educashun State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas: Sí, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vermont: Yep
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels don't Mix?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington, D.C: Wanna Be Mayor?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Scared!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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