Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 109

Giant Salamander · 02-03-2008, 04:57 PM

Hmmm...I may have to think about getting that. I might have to rob a hooker.

Sheldonrs · 02-03-2008, 05:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Giant Salamander

...I might have to rob a hooker...

Won't your sister be mad? lol!!!

Giant Salamander · 02-03-2008, 07:54 PM

Nah, she doesn't get any money for it. She's safe.

BrianR · 02-03-2008, 09:04 PM

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

lumberjim · 02-03-2008, 09:41 PM

off a tangent from giantsalamander's fuck earth:

fuck:

xoxoxoBruce · 02-04-2008, 07:22 AM

Boston police today reported finding a body in the Charles River.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.

He was described as wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink wig, a strap-on dildo, a Patriot's jersey, and had a cucumber stuffed up his ass.

The police graciously removed the Patriot's jersey to spare the family unnecessary embarrassment.

spudcon · 02-07-2008, 03:08 PM

]A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

[Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Shawnee123 · 02-07-2008, 03:14 PM

I think you found the fontain of youth.

xoxoxoBruce · 02-07-2008, 11:29 PM

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him,
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

spudcon · 02-08-2008, 06:10 AM

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

ferret88 · 02-08-2008, 07:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

I think you found the fontain of youth.

er...Fondle of Youth?

Shawnee123 · 02-08-2008, 08:01 AM

It disappeared. Nebber mind.

BrianR · 02-08-2008, 06:28 PM

The Naked Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the
street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the
walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and
his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the
world are you dressed like this?" The Cowboy
says: "Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the
bar down the road and this pretty little red head
asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I
did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and
asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to
pull off my pants. So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to
pull off my shorts. So I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind
of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy ..."
so here I am.

Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist!

Aliantha · 02-10-2008, 04:42 PM

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he showed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked the Aussies for help. Within a minute the Aussies emailed the White House with this reply:

'tell the president he's holding the message upside down'

busterb · 02-10-2008, 06:34 PM

Anyone see "Dancing with a man?" Someone sent to me today, it was a bad video. But I found one some where. I got a kick from it.

02-03-2008, 04:57 PM	#1621
Giant Salamander Deity of Dogs Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 114	Hmmm...I may have to think about getting that. I might have to rob a hooker. __________________ random artstuff

02-03-2008, 07:54 PM	#1623
Giant Salamander Deity of Dogs Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 114	Nah, she doesn't get any money for it. She's safe. __________________ random artstuff

02-03-2008, 09:04 PM	#1624
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles." __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

02-03-2008, 09:41 PM	#1625
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	off a tangent from giantsalamander's fuck earth: fuck: __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

02-04-2008, 07:22 AM	#1626
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Boston police today reported finding a body in the Charles River. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption. He was described as wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink wig, a strap-on dildo, a Patriot's jersey, and had a cucumber stuffed up his ass. The police graciously removed the Patriot's jersey to spare the family unnecessary embarrassment. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

02-07-2008, 03:08 PM	#1627
spudcon Beware of potatoes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Upstate NY, USA Posts: 2,078	]A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. [Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't' she says. 'I was behind you at McDonalds.' Last edited by spudcon; 02-07-2008 at 03:14 PM. Reason: html code showing

02-07-2008, 03:14 PM	#1628
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	I think you found the fontain of youth.

02-07-2008, 11:29 PM	#1629
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??' __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

02-08-2008, 06:10 AM	#1630
spudcon Beware of potatoes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Upstate NY, USA Posts: 2,078	Revenge One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

02-08-2008, 08:01 AM	#1632
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	It disappeared. Nebber mind.

02-08-2008, 06:28 PM	#1633
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	The Naked Cowboy The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?" The Cowboy says: "Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy ..." so here I am. Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist! __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

02-10-2008, 04:42 PM	#1634
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he showed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad. Eventually they asked the Aussies for help. Within a minute the Aussies emailed the White House with this reply: 'tell the president he's holding the message upside down' __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

02-10-2008, 06:34 PM	#1635
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Anyone see "Dancing with a man?" Someone sent to me today, it was a bad video. But I found one some where. I got a kick from it. __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

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