Just getting more and more angry lately.

[Clodfobble]

It is far easier for a woman to get into a quickie relationship than a man. She's not getting laid; he's getting screwed.

[Undertoad]

what I thought I might have done to contribute to the problems with the marriage and I said I felt it all came down to me

yeah, fuck that shit

and it ain't like "he's not setting any boundaries, so i have permission to traipse right through our lives acting like a demanding child and ultimately destroying our relationship"

it is each partner's charity, to the relationship, not to try to benefit one's self at the harm of the other or to the relationship

many people break down the other person's ego so as to build their own ego up. "you dumb little shit, now you're dependent on me because obviously nobody else would ever take you. ha ha i win this game again. and yes you may kiss my ass because you like being with a big winner."

~

She may well end up in a better situation than your marriage was. She may end up with a partner that matches and maybe even combats her particular fucked-up-ed-ness. It may be that what is ultimately a destructive long-term condition to both of them seems to be a marvelous connection for a while. Or maybe... it even works! You never know.

BUT the really great thing is in 2028 when you look up and realize you haven't seen her in 5 years and TRULY don't give a shit if she ever gained krishna consciousness.

[Griff]

Originally Posted by Undertoad

it is each partner's charity, to the relationship, not to try to benefit one's self at the harm of the other or to the relationship

like this very much

[orthodoc]

Well said, UT.
And you are absolutely right, foot, it doesn't take two to tango when abuse is going on, it takes only one. The recipient of the abuse is not responsible for its continuance; that is the sole choice of the abuser. Different victims take differing lengths of time to get away, that's all.

[footfootfoot]

Thanks peeps.

Today I am feeling angry and sad when I realize she's spread subtle lies about me with her typical double bind bullshit. I can't go into details because for all I know she reads this forum. I know she hates all my imaginary friends (you) and I'm pretty sure she knows my handle. The inch does at any rate.

I feel on the outside of my own community. I've joined meetup and I'm going to start going to things. I might take ballroom and swing dance classes. There are a lot of hiking /kayak groups as well.

One of the most difficult things is that she has family, where I do not. She's got their support, she tells them her version of the truth and they buy it. I hope I can still salvage my relationship with my BIL because he and I got along well. But I have a narcissistic/borderline personality disorder mother (actual diagnosis) who lost the plot ages ago. She's never even met the mm, and only seen the inch once, a few months after he was born. So yeah, dead to me and likewise, me to her. My sisters are budding narcissists, or at least very self involved, usually only calling me for advice on fixing their houses. So, yeah feeling lonely and alone. Lots of acquaintances, only one or two really close friends. One lives 3 hours away and the other is local but is mad in love with his wife and they hang with themselves a lot, or with other couples.

The other thing is how people have taken sides and how she's managed to manipulate popular opinion. The real irony is that my few local friends are not the type to take sides and they don't really see the non-perfect persona she shows to the world.


She is also now making a fair amount of dosh while I am working on getting signed up for voc rehab while I gut it out doing more construction making shit $. I agreed to waive spousal support from her but now I am feeling WTF? She gets to take the kids on vacations to VA, ME, NJ all over the fucking place and I am not in a position to do that.

I really don't have the skills to deal with the anger effectively but I'm seeing my therapist on Thursday so we'll go over that again. I guess the good news is I am at least feeling something instead of being numb.

My long term plan is to somehow figure out how to get my fucking life on track, become happy and successful and she can stick that up her ass.

Still hating everything.

[infinite monkey]

But I have a narcissistic/borderline personality disorder mother (actual diagnosis) who lost the plot ages ago.

Rather like your soon-to-be ex?

foot3, you're going to be OK. You'll stop hating every thing all the time and will only hate certain things at certain times which is actually quite fulfilling. I look forward to the day you can breathe a sigh of relief and you come on here and be all jokey and happy...because that's who you really are, to me anyway.

But right now, as others have said, be angry. You are certainly entitled to it.

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

Rather like your soon-to-be ex?

There's a ton of Tou in that ché

[DanaC]

*hugs*

Ach damn, hon, sounds like a total headfuck. You'll get through it though - and out the other side.

I hate the idea of you being isolated because of this - I especially hate the idea of you not even being able to be open and yourself on here in case she sees.

Have you thought of maybe starting a new handle, just for a little while, whilst you're going through all this?

[orthodoc]

Is there a way you could reopen the question of temporary spousal support in court? Say your head wasn't straight and you've realized it's necessary? It's one way to get the stbx to hurry up and finalize things, plus other benefits.

I wish you weren't isolated. This is hard enough, you need peeps. I like Dana's idea. Maybe we could work out a weird anon thread in which only every other, or every third, post would actually be yours, to throw her off? Or maybe that's too weird. Anyway - why not start a new handle? Be boring for the first few posts so she figures it isn't you and loses interest. Then be yourself.

[Nirvana]

F3 you are giving her your power take it back !
You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is nowhere to be found anywhere. You as much as anybody deserve your love and affection.
~Buddha

[gvidas]

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

One of the most difficult things is that she has family, where I do not. She's got their support, she tells them her version of the truth and they buy it. I hope I can still salvage my relationship with my BIL because he and I got along well. But I have a narcissistic/borderline personality disorder mother (actual diagnosis) who lost the plot ages ago. She's never even met the mm, and only seen the inch once, a few months after he was born. So yeah, dead to me and likewise, me to her. My sisters are budding narcissists, or at least very self involved, usually only calling me for advice on fixing their houses. So, yeah feeling lonely and alone. Lots of acquaintances, only one or two really close friends. One lives 3 hours away and the other is local but is mad in love with his wife and they hang with themselves a lot, or with other couples.

Don't know your deets well enough to dig deep into the unlicensed unprompted unwarranted psychoanalysis, but this sort of dramatic life change might be a good opportunity to reassess / rekindle some of those relationships. IE just cos the dominant interaction you have with your sisters is housefixing doesn't meant they don't appreciate you -- could just be that's the only way they know how to hang out with you.

Also I think it is legit to call a sibling up and say "I am going through a complicated and stressful period in life and, as my blood-kin, it is your duty to drink this beer and listen to me vent."

[xoxoxoBruce]

You've been told over and over, but would you listen? Nooooooooooooo.
Do Not Fuck Crazy!

[monster]

I know very little, but I know you are not ready for another relationship yet. I also know it will be tough for you and your kids -not only will they model her behavior, but they share any genetic predisposition she has for this behavior. I am horrified to learn how like my insane mother I am. It would have helped if my father had been able to guide me away from the stupidly nutso tendencies rather than hating me for being like her.

It is good that you see so early that this is not "them" but echoes of her. be patient and kind as you guide them away from it and remember that -barking though she may be- without her you wouldn't have them at all.

Sorry it's such a pile of shite sometimes. stay strong

[footfootfoot]

Thanks everyone. I'm not going to change my handle, she can suck it if she's reading this, plus I've been made aware of alternatives on here.

As for the money and courts we still haven't signed anything yet and I could, if I was out of my fucking mind, tell the atty that I'm not signing and want to make more changes. But I won't. The amount of support I'd get is a bit more than 300/mo. Not worth it to me. Another aspect is how she subtly lies/double binds/push polls. It is almost invisible to the uninitiated. It's almost impossible for me to think of an example of the type of things she effortlessly says. Stuff along the lines of "I spent all my inheritance supporting us while f3x was taking a year off from work."

All of these words are true, just not in that order or the same sentence.

But today I kept reminding myself to put the focus back on what I can do right now with my life, and also remembering that I was the one who was barking up the wrong tree for so long, and it's not like she's changed in any way. The tough balancing act is navigating raising the kids while keeping my mind intact. My shrink was explaining to me about "Radical Acceptance" and I'd taken some notes. Inch was sitting next to me tonight and saw the term and asked me about it. So I explained how it can be helpful when communicating with people in such a way to avoid fights. I gave him a few examples of his mom and I at loggerheads (without throwing her under the bus. He loves her) But I was able to allude to some of the 'echo' behaviors he's picked up and how things might go smoother for him in life if he makes changes, without actually naming him. Does that make sense?

Anyway the anger only comes up when I take the focus from myslef and put it on her and imagine that she is giving someone else the things she wouldn't give me, when the reality is that she is not able to give those things to anyone because she is a narcissist. It's a one way street. I realized her new guy is still in the bright eyes adoring stage and for his sake I hope he never leaves it, because when he does he'll realize he's been filling a well with snow.

So I'm back on my plan for world domination.

And Bruce, I know enough not to stick my dick in crazy. I just wish I could recognize crazy earlier in the game.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I know you do, I was using you as a teaching aid to warn the next generation. Not that they'll listen, but so we can point and say I told you so.

One of these days it'll be signed, sealed, and over. You'll do a happy dance until you're pooped, then sit and wonder what is really different. You still have to deal with her because of the kids. It may not be apparent at first, but the yellow brick road will reveal itself, and life will need less aspirin each week.

You go, Man.