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Old 09-17-2011, 10:20 PM   #4141
ZenGum
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Clod, that makes even less sense.


I guess the best way would be: "Hey, kids, look at those two dogs! It's educational!"
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Old 09-19-2011, 11:33 AM   #4142
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A wife is ragging on her husband saying, "You are a total loser. You're the biggest loser I've ever met. You're the biggest loser in the country, and I bet if there were a contest for the biggest loser in the world, you'd come in second."
"Why second?" asks the husband.
"Because you're a loser."
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Old 09-20-2011, 04:01 AM   #4143
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A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"


On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness - and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."



A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job the plumber demanded $150. The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't charge this amount even though I am a surgeon." The plumber replied, "I agree, you are right. I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing!"





A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."






A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"





A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
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Old 09-23-2011, 09:46 PM   #4144
classicman
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Jewish Modesty

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!

Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!

Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince.... I will buy Microsoft!

They then all wait for the Jew to speak....

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:









I'm not selling.
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Old 09-25-2011, 03:39 PM   #4145
Gravdigr
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Heheh...that's wrong.
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Old 09-28-2011, 01:00 PM   #4146
Nirvana
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To All who are married:


At a wedding party recently someone yelled:
"All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was crushed to death.
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Old 09-28-2011, 01:34 PM   #4147
buttless
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How Moses Got the 10 Commandments



God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your
lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill?
We're not interested.'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father?
We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example,




and the Lord
said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Not commit adultery?
We're not interested.'


Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments.'

'Commandments?' They said,
'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'
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Old 09-28-2011, 06:26 PM   #4148
HungLikeJesus
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Perhaps that should be in the tastless joke thread.
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Old 09-28-2011, 07:57 PM   #4149
footfootfoot
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You tasteless bastard, my insensitive joke was killed on 9/11
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Old 09-28-2011, 08:07 PM   #4150
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Old 09-29-2011, 12:21 AM   #4151
classicman
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Old 09-29-2011, 04:36 AM   #4152
buttless
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HungLikeJesus View Post
Perhaps that should be in the tastless joke thread.
My apologies, I was not aware there was a thread dedicated to tasteless humor.
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Old 09-29-2011, 08:38 AM   #4153
HungLikeJesus
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Quote:
Originally Posted by footfootfoot View Post
You tasteless bastard, my insensitive joke was killed on 9/11
Not tasteless, tastless. Now I understand your confusion. A tastless is small digging monkey-like creature living on the Isle of Wight.

Quote:
Originally Posted by buttless View Post
My apologies, I was not aware there was a thread dedicated to tasteless humor.
Welcome to the Cellar, buttless. It's not always easy to find threads on the Cellar.

Here it is.
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Old 09-29-2011, 09:45 AM   #4154
footfootfoot
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My mistake.

I'm not sorry about ur tast
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Old 09-29-2011, 03:43 PM   #4155
footfootfoot
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There's no I in team, but there is no L in Christmas!


Noelle
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