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Old 02-19-2017, 11:05 AM   #5566
Happy Monkey
I think this line's mostly filler.
 
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Theology
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|...............| We live in the nick of times.
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Old 02-19-2017, 01:43 PM   #5567
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Are you *trying* to inflame JBKlyde?
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Old 02-19-2017, 09:44 PM   #5568
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A man walks into a bar and yells all lawyers are assholes! A man in the corner says I take offense at that statement. The first said why are you a lawyer? The second said no I am an asshole.

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Old 02-24-2017, 01:05 AM   #5569
xoxoxoBruce
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BOB'S LAST LETTER
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation...
When I got laid off from my consulting job and took early retirement in April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper.
I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace..
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean...
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
Signed, Bob
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Old 02-26-2017, 11:25 AM   #5570
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Fat boy...
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Old 03-03-2017, 12:31 PM   #5571
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UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION
 
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You will never look at Patrick Stewart the same way...

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Old 03-04-2017, 08:40 PM   #5572
xoxoxoBruce
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Epitaphs of Key West Cemetery

"I told you I was sick"

"I'm just resting my eyes"

“good citizen”

“devoted fan of Julio Iglesias”

"the best flan maker"

"If you're reading this, you desperately need a hobby"

"I'll always remember my so-called friends"

"I always dreamed of owning a small place in Key West"

"Jesus Christ, These People Are Horrible"

“Sloppy”

Statue of naked women with her hands tied behind her back
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Old 03-06-2017, 04:30 PM   #5573
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Clodfobble View Post
You will never look at Patrick Stewart the same way...

I always thought of the man as reasonably intelligent, but, if you don't know whether you're circumcised...

Hilarious, though.
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Old 03-11-2017, 07:55 PM   #5574
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A bumper sticker for LJ...
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Old 03-12-2017, 06:46 PM   #5575
xoxoxoBruce
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Monster knows, but doesn't share it with the kids.
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Old 03-14-2017, 12:27 AM   #5576
xoxoxoBruce
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.
“Not a chance” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin”.

“Not a problem,” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.”
“What on Earth is Irish Viagra?” she asked.

“It’s Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won’t even taste it. Let me know how it goes,” he said.

She called the doctor the very next afternoon. “How did it go?” he asked.
“Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I’m beside meself!”

“Oh, no! What in the world happened?”
“Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye, and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Wasn’t the sex good?”
“Freakin’ Jaysus it was the best sex I’ve had in me last 25 years, but sure as I’m sittin here, doctor, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”
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Old 03-20-2017, 12:55 PM   #5577
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Funny dad parenting fail

This is the reason why kids can't be left alone with their dad. Moms should leave the parenting handbook to their husbands.
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Old 03-20-2017, 02:27 PM   #5578
xoxoxoBruce
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Use the paperclip symbol to post an image.
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Old 03-25-2017, 03:03 PM   #5579
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I guffawed...
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Old 03-25-2017, 04:37 PM   #5580
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I think I had one of those tape decks. I remember the three toggle switches on it.
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