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Old 10-17-2015, 12:44 PM   #1
lumberjim
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Posts: 23,979
Dad jokes

They don't watch the flintstones in Dubai. But Abu Dhabi do.

You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot ;-)

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about 49cents and deer nuts are just under a buck.

what kind of luggage does a vulture take on a plane? Carrion.

Where are average things built? In the satisfactory.

A pet store had a bird contest. No perches necessary.


Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.


Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.


A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "five beers please"
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Old 10-17-2015, 12:58 PM   #2
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More peas !
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Old 10-17-2015, 01:20 PM   #3
xoxoxoBruce
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When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

Did you hear about the runner who was criticized?
He just took it in stride.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...
You can hide but you can't run.

I've deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone.
Now it's Hans free.

Lone Ranger sees Tonto riding with a dustbin, "Where are you going Tonto?"
"to-the-dump-to-the dump-to-the-dump-dump dump..."

This bouncy castle's twice the price of last year
That's inflation for you!

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief?
He had loco motives

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.

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Old 10-17-2015, 01:48 PM   #4
lumberjim
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I see you found the same twitter archive, lol...
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Old 10-17-2015, 02:08 PM   #5
DanaC
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Quote:
They don't watch the flintstones in Dubai. But Abu Dhabi do.
That's the stoopidest joke i've heard in ages, but I am still laughing.
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Old 10-17-2015, 03:52 PM   #6
xoxoxoBruce
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lumberjim View Post
I see you found the same twitter archive, lol...
No amount of sweat and toil is too much, in order to satisfy Lamplighter's desires.
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Old 10-18-2015, 03:16 PM   #7
Gravdigr
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What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's blue and smells like green paint?

Blue paint.
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Old 10-18-2015, 03:52 PM   #8
lumberjim
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When you tell the stick joke, follow it with :

What's brown and full of holes?


Swiss Shit.
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Old 10-18-2015, 04:11 PM   #9
Carruthers
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Two parrots were sitting on a perch.

One says to the other 'Can you smell fish'?
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Old 10-18-2015, 04:19 PM   #10
infinite monkey
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Guy gets pulled over by a cop. Cop sees the guy's backseat is full of penguins. "Sir, you can't have that you need to take those penguins to the zoo." Guy says OK.

Later on that day the same cop pulls the guy over, still with the penguins. "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo?"

Guy says "I did, now I'm taking them for ice cream. "
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Old 10-25-2015, 06:04 PM   #11
xoxoxoBruce
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Don't blame Dad, he can't help it, it's a natural phenomenon that happens automatically.
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Old 10-29-2015, 01:17 PM   #12
Gravdigr
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Didja hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

What's red, and bad for your teeth?

A brick.
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Old 10-29-2015, 06:06 PM   #13
busterb
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Baby born in local hospital with both arms broken







Trying to hold on till after the wedding.
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Old 12-26-2015, 04:17 PM   #14
xoxoxoBruce
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Old 01-20-2016, 12:03 PM   #15
Gravdigr
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Dad jokes
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