Smart Mouth Smarties

[xoxoxoBruce]

• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
• This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
• I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
• A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
• A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
• He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
• When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
• Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

[Glinda]

[Squawk]

Two of my friends were arrested last night. One had swallowed a firework, the other one a battery. They charged one and let the other one off.

How do you know if someone is a vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you.

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.

I just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday. I tell you what, never again.