When do you know it's over?

be-bop · 09-03-2013, 04:06 PM

How do you know it’s over?

It’s a question I think everyone in a relationship has asked him/herself at one time, no doubt in a moment of uncertainty in the relationship or after a fight or when something major has happened.
So what do you say when none of the above has happened, there’s just the crawling, nagging thought that eats away in the back of your mind and your daydreams are full of looking elsewhere to a life on your own, and the thought of being on your own seems not so scary after all and seems preferable to the day in day out grind of a marriage where love and tenderness has been replaced with something akin to acceptance and annoyance at each other.

How do you cope with just the practical details of separation, who gets what, where do you live, how can you afford somewhere, then there’s the fallout with Sons Daughters other family members who will undoubtedly take sides after all it only human nature, and when the dust settles what then?

Is it better to be Man up and get out or suck it up and remain unhappy rather that cause chaos in a family/families.
I’m asking you out there because the one I should be talking to does not seem to want the questions to be asked or have the discussion that‘s needed, whether she seems to be of the same mindset I don’t know, but communication for the last couple of years has not been at the forefront of the relationship..........................

That was what I wrote to myself a couple of months ago, however as things go and how shit happens it is now worse, after the biggest mother fucking row of all time we are no longer at the ignoring stage and I feel now for our sanities state the time has now come to part, still 28 years is a good innings I suppose

Do I need the grief or the effort involved to try and make it better and try and right the wrongs or accept the relationship has run it’s course any advice would be cool

thanks

Clodfobble · 09-03-2013, 05:09 PM

How long ago did your last child leave the nest?

be-bop · 09-03-2013, 05:11 PM

None of the kids live with us now, they now have kids of their own..

lumberjim · 09-03-2013, 05:43 PM

No one can say what you should do. So do what you can't not do and remain sane.

Take care of you, bro.

Clodfobble · 09-03-2013, 06:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by be-bop

None of the kids live with us now, they now have kids of their own..

I figured, but how long ago did the last one leave?

Flint · 09-03-2013, 11:11 PM

Obi-wan said, "You must do what you feel is right."

I like that line. But, you know, it's a bit of a guilt-trip, isn't it?

be-bop · 09-04-2013, 06:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

I figured, but how long ago did the last one leave?

My Youngest left the nest about 4/5 years ago

Gravdigr · 09-04-2013, 02:21 PM

Quote:

When do you know it's over?

When the announcer says "Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building."

Aliantha · 09-04-2013, 10:08 PM

It will be difficult no matter what you do, but sometimes a bit of intense short term pain is better than nagging long term pain. Like cutting out a tumour i guess. If you dont do it, they usually get bigger.

limey · 09-05-2013, 06:57 AM

Have you thought of writing your wife a letter, if she won't talk about things? Something along the lines of what you've written here? Or would she simply not read it?

limey · 09-05-2013, 09:18 AM

Sorry for the double-post, but the Beeb have this today ...

orthodoc · 09-05-2013, 06:31 PM

Acceptance and annoyance may not necessarily mean the death of a marriage unless you've reached the point of no return. It sounds like you're there. Even if your spouse doesn't want the difficult conversation, it should take place, or at least give it a good shot. You may find out things that surprise you.

sexobon · 09-08-2013, 03:55 PM

If you decide to stay together just for the sake of family, I've heard that taking up a hobby can help ... you might try going fishing. But if she's putting on weight and taking singing lessons, it'll soon be over.

OTOH you could ask yourself, if you were on your deathbed and had to choose between having her at your side or dying alone, would you find her so revolting that you'd rather die alone; or, would you want her there. If you go your separate ways now, there's no reasonable expectation you'll have the latter choice.

09-03-2013, 04:06 PM	#1
be-bop Operations Operative Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: scotland/uk Posts: 664	When do you know it's over? How do you know it’s over? It’s a question I think everyone in a relationship has asked him/herself at one time, no doubt in a moment of uncertainty in the relationship or after a fight or when something major has happened. So what do you say when none of the above has happened, there’s just the crawling, nagging thought that eats away in the back of your mind and your daydreams are full of looking elsewhere to a life on your own, and the thought of being on your own seems not so scary after all and seems preferable to the day in day out grind of a marriage where love and tenderness has been replaced with something akin to acceptance and annoyance at each other. How do you cope with just the practical details of separation, who gets what, where do you live, how can you afford somewhere, then there’s the fallout with Sons Daughters other family members who will undoubtedly take sides after all it only human nature, and when the dust settles what then? Is it better to be Man up and get out or suck it up and remain unhappy rather that cause chaos in a family/families. I’m asking you out there because the one I should be talking to does not seem to want the questions to be asked or have the discussion that‘s needed, whether she seems to be of the same mindset I don’t know, but communication for the last couple of years has not been at the forefront of the relationship.......................... That was what I wrote to myself a couple of months ago, however as things go and how shit happens it is now worse, after the biggest mother fucking row of all time we are no longer at the ignoring stage and I feel now for our sanities state the time has now come to part, still 28 years is a good innings I suppose Do I need the grief or the effort involved to try and make it better and try and right the wrongs or accept the relationship has run it’s course any advice would be cool thanks

09-03-2013, 05:09 PM	#2
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	How long ago did your last child leave the nest? __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

09-03-2013, 05:43 PM	#4
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	No one can say what you should do. So do what you can't not do and remain sane. Take care of you, bro. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

09-03-2013, 11:11 PM	#6
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	Obi-wan said, "You must do what you feel is right." I like that line. But, you know, it's a bit of a guilt-trip, isn't it? __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

09-04-2013, 10:08 PM	#9
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	It will be difficult no matter what you do, but sometimes a bit of intense short term pain is better than nagging long term pain. Like cutting out a tumour i guess. If you dont do it, they usually get bigger. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

09-03-2013, 05:11 PM	#3
be-bop Operations Operative Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: scotland/uk Posts: 664	None of the kids live with us now, they now have kids of their own..

09-05-2013, 06:57 AM	#10
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	Have you thought of writing your wife a letter, if she won't talk about things? Something along the lines of what you've written here? Or would she simply not read it? __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

09-05-2013, 09:18 AM	#11
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	Sorry for the double-post, but the Beeb have this today ... __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

09-05-2013, 06:31 PM	#12
orthodoc Not Suspicious, Merely Canadian Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,774	Acceptance and annoyance may not necessarily mean the death of a marriage unless you've reached the point of no return. It sounds like you're there. Even if your spouse doesn't want the difficult conversation, it should take place, or at least give it a good shot. You may find out things that surprise you. __________________ The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Ghandi

09-08-2013, 03:55 PM	#13
sexobon I love it when a plan comes together. Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 9,793	If you decide to stay together just for the sake of family, I've heard that taking up a hobby can help ... you might try going fishing. But if she's putting on weight and taking singing lessons, it'll soon be over. OTOH you could ask yourself, if you were on your deathbed and had to choose between having her at your side or dying alone, would you find her so revolting that you'd rather die alone; or, would you want her there. If you go your separate ways now, there's no reasonable expectation you'll have the latter choice.

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