Humor...I Need Humor...

[classicman]

Its the fact that you ARE a squirrel - thats what creeped me out. Especially after Jim ....

[squirell nutkin]

Don't hate me because I wear fur.

And have a tail.

[Sheldonrs]

Originally Posted by squirell nutkin

Don't hate me because I wear fur.

And have a tail.

And hold your nuts in your mouth.

[Nirvana]

Originally Posted by Sheldonrs

And hold your nuts in your mouth.

leave it to Sheldonrs! I wonder how many unsuspecting people pop in and their key boards and monitors are ruined by his comments One way or another LOL!


Note to self: do not drink tea while reading humor thread

[toranokaze]

Why does your skin condition make you a woodland creature?
On another note I have never seen a squirrel in the woods.

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by toranokaze

On another note I have never seen a squirrel in the woods.

Damn, dude. Get out.

[Nirvana]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an

extremely ordered and complex life.



The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well

as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring

throughout its life.



If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family

and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their

vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird

to be rolled into and buried.





The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:









"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."



"Then they kick him in the ice hole." !!!




You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

[squirell nutkin]

There's no causation between my skin condition and my woodland status. I was making a racial stereotype joke about the name tyrell. I am bad.

[toranokaze]

Originally Posted by squirell nutkin

There's no causation between my skin condition and my woodland status. I was making a racial stereotype joke about the name tyrell. I am bad.

Aww I catch that one.

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

Damn, dude. Get out.

Its true I have spend a lot of time in the wilderness and never once seen a squirrel there. The only time I have ever seen squirrel is in developed areas with trees.

[Gravdigr]

I was all set to call bullshit (on the penguin thing), I forgot which thread I was reading.

[classicman]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis. "

[lumberjim]

I know this has been put up before, but it's funny the third time, so....



It takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma

to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,'
which

tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct

the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review

the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are

some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with
a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
(I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And naturally, the best one for last...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.

Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[ZenGum]

Missed my favourite:

P: Unfamiliar noise from number two engine.
S: Engine run for 20 minutes. Noise now familiar.

[capnhowdy]

We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and asking, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying, "You're next, Chubby."

[jujuwwhite]

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

"You're next, Chubby."

HA! You better hope YOU never come home and call ME 'chubby'!!