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anonymous 09-12-2019 08:15 AM

Sometimes it all looks pretty desperate
So we moved house:
- which meant that Best Beloved (BB) has to find new work. He hasn't yet, partly because he was so depressed about job rejections that he got signed off sick from having to look for work. Which is of course going to be a vicious spiral downwards of no application, no job, more depression rinse and repeat.
And we both went for health checks and it was recommended that BB stop "self-medicating" his (long-standing pre-existing) depression with booze for the sake of his liver. He's done that. So have I, largely, in sympathy.
And his antidepressants were increased to cope with no work, and having to face no work without booze, and then it was found that the anti-depressants were also not good for his liver, so the dose has had to be reduced (not removed altogether ...).
So he has to cope without two props which helped.
And we had to miss out on our two week summer break which we love and so look forward to because liver numbers needed checking at exactly that time.
And he gets stressed about not having any money of his own, and next month his unemployment benefit stops altogether. So it'll all be pretty fucking even more miserable.
And stuppid fukkin Brexit means that all of his nine medications may be unavailable soon.
And he has four hospital appointments next week for which we need the car.
Oh, yeah, the car ....
Meanwhile, the car has needed attention to the tune of over three grand so far since we moved, and has still broken down twice in a week, and is in the garage as I speak and "it looks like it's the turbo". And two mini breaks I'd planned to cheer us up because we missed out on our main holiday were fucked, one by weather and one by the FUCKING CAR. Fuckit I'm looking at leasing a brand new one instead. Right now.
So yeah, I could do with some support (with a nod to Monster and Limey here) but BB is home all day and I work from home and so I can't even sneak a teeny doctor's appointment without him knowing and I don't want him thinking that I'm upset at all. I had a look for an online depressed person's support person support website, and found one but knew I'd just weigh in trying to help everybody left right and center when it's me that needs the help. So nope, not going there.
Financially we're OK (provided Brexit which makes me feel physically sick at the moment doesn't make electricity so expensive I can't afford to run the computer, and that th'innerwebs don't break because, well, why would any country want to do commerce with any other nearby electronically or any other way).
On the upside, after a four month wait he has an appointment to start CBT soon. And is in the queue for counselling from the local psych nurse as some of his stuff stems from emotional trauma in his past. God it would be so lovely if some of this actually helped him.
But, ironically, although the catalyst for all this, the house move was a good thing to do. Apart from this little pile of shit which we're stepping through. One. Day. At. A. Time.
Thanks for listening.

Griff 09-12-2019 08:18 AM

Sorry. :(

Undertoad 09-12-2019 09:08 AM

Without a job it is hard to find purpose. When I was in bad times, I did not realize how much purpose meant. He must find something to do that is meaningful, even if it doesn't bring in money.

"Fix yourself" is a great project. It's ok if it doesn't bring in money, as long as it improves your situation. It will lead to more money later because you are starting from a better point.

For me, moving house was part of finding purpose, because it meant suddenly there was a ton of work to do related to that -- and then, a ton of work just to survive in the shithole. I didn't realize that the ton of work was improving me just because I faced it. I didn't realize that, when we had a record-setting snowfall winter, and I had no choice other than to dig it out every week, it was helping me to actively take control of my situation. I didn't realize it was actually therapy.

I didn't realize how incremental improvements helped. If every day you improve things 1%, by the end of the year things will be wildly improved.

If the good jobs are unavailable, work at a shit job. I worked at the pawn shop and it was horrible. But it improved me, even as part of the motivation was wanting to get out.

But I also know you can't just say these things, or print out the post and give it to him. :(

lumberjim 09-12-2019 09:28 AM

If all you look at are the problems, there are only problems.

It's a matter of attention. Will yourself to focus on what's right and what one thing can be changed that's wrong. Don't think about things you can't fix right now for more than it takes to recognize you can't fix that right now.

This too shall pass

xoxoxoBruce 09-12-2019 09:39 AM

Bad shit happens to good people, so you have validation you're good people.
Hopefully you'll stop being validated soon, but no matter what you've got friends who care and will always be there for moral (or immoral) support.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You go girl!

Clodfobble 09-12-2019 03:24 PM

I hope things improve for you both soon. UT's right about the purpose thing. Sometimes the dumbest things can help tremendously simply because we feel like we accomplished something. David Sedaris picks up litter along the road by his house, and has talked about how therapeutic it is--not just the physical exercise, though that doesn't hurt, but the fact that you can noticeably tell where his bit of land starts, and the pride that comes with that.

anonymous 09-14-2019 10:10 AM

Thanks y'all.
@UT - purpose here has indeed been "fix yourself", get healther, but the gym equipment we can use within walking distance has been out of action as the hall it's in has been used for other things this past two weeks, and we can't get to the gym in town without the FUCKING CAR. I mean we could on the bus but it'd be four hours out of my day when I need to be working ....
And BB is applying for all jobs, good, shit and everything in between. He's had three interviews (all shop work) but no job offer yet. I know it's just a numbers game, but for him every rejection is a kick in the balls of a man who's already down.
@LJ: mostly I have ignored Brexshit and mostly I will continue to do so. I know this will pass but at times it is unbearable seeing the man I love hurt so much when I can do nothing to help.
@Bruce: that's what I do, plod plod. Step steppity step.
@Clod: see above re purpose.
I have had a suggestion elsewhere that we ask the doc for different antidepressants which are not (so) liver toxic, and we will do this.
We should be able to get back to the gym this week.
Despite the FUCKING CAR still being off the road a neighbour has put me on her insurance so we can get to the doc and three hospital appointments this week. She is an angel.
Am going to sell old car as soon as it is fixed. Have started negotiations with car leasing company but I'm pretty sure delay in new car delivery looks like it might threaten our next planned weekend jaunt. Fallback position there is to see if neighbour will let us take their car for that weekend and if it's not got a towbat we'll stay in a hotel.

anonymous 09-23-2019 08:17 AM

Still no car.
And now the FUCKING COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday my main workhorse computer broke (cycling on and off, blank monitor screen).
Then my back-up (of course I have a back up computer) wouldn't allow me past log-in.
s o I h a d a M A S S I V E M E L T D O W N
The good news is that my back-up computer was only teasing. It was constipated with Windows 10 updates.

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