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Parenting Bringing up the shorties so they aren't completely messed up

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Old 07-06-2004, 05:05 PM   #1
Clodfobble
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Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy

My stepdaughter just lost her first tooth at her mother's house. When I asked her if the tooth fairy came, she just sort of looked at me sadly and said, "Well, I think that's maybe just a game that some parents like to play..." which is to say, her mother didn't play said game.

I don't see the harm in it--she lost a second one just yesterday while she was with us, and the tooth fairy came to our house, much to my stepdaughter's delight. Her mother's excuse is supposedly religion, fairies are the devil's work or somesuch. She doesn't do Santa Claus either, but frankly, neither do we, not seriously anyway. We "play the game," but the kids know he's not real, because I figure it's not worth the heartache. I couldn't have cared less when I found out, but I've had friends tell me they were utterly devastated to learn their parents had been lying to them about Santa Claus.

So how did you feel when you were a kid? Did you tell your kids Santa Claus is real? And if they've since learned the truth, how did they handle it?
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Old 07-06-2004, 05:12 PM   #2
SteveDallas
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We did the Santa Claus thing & Tooth Fairy thing with our kids. Our daughter figured it out shortly after she turned 8. It didn't bother me that much when I figured it out at about the same age--but then my parents didn't go to heroic lengths to explain it away after I started to get skeptical, and neither did we.
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Old 07-06-2004, 05:31 PM   #3
perth
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When I was 5 I think, after losing a tooth I told my mom I didn't believe in the tooth fairy. Her reply, I don't exactly remember, but it was something implying that if I didn't believe then maybe she wouldn't be able to visit.

I went to bed that night confident in my belief that my mother would be in shortly to deposit a gift under my pillow. I awoke at about 2 AM and was horrified to discover the tooth still there. I ran crying to my mother's room, professing my very deep and hearfelt belief in the Tooth Fairy. She calmed me and explained that the Tooth Fairy was probably running late but that I was most assuredly on the list. She tucked me back in, sang me a song and left the room. I closed my eyes and did my best to fall asleep. About five minutes later I heard the door open and after a moment felt a hand slip under my pillow. I could also vaguely smell my mother's perfume, but I kept my eyes closed the whole time in what I'm sure was a poor impression of being asleep.

After the door closed, I tucked my hand under the pillow and found the "Tooth Fairy" had left not only a quarter, but a sticker book with stickers.

That night I learned a couple important lessons. First of all, I knew for a fact that the Tooth Fairy didn't exist. Second of all, I gained a slightly better understanding of just how much my mother loved me.

Shortly after Jamey was born, I remembered this incident, and learned a harsher lesson. The falsehoods we are taught as children are often more important than the truths. Fantasy is part of growing up, and there is no easy way of letting that go. And so you really shouldn't. I think the best you can do is allow children to have that fantasy. Without tearing it away from them, show them the truth while at the same time reaffirming the idea that fantasy is and important and a precious part of being a child.

I've mentioned it before in the Santa Claus thread somewhere, but my plan is to make sure Jamey gets the experience of Santa Claus and the like. But I intend to treat it as a fun game of pretend to enhance the true experiences.

Edit: I might have the age wrong, all I really remember is that I wasn't in school (may have been summer break) and that the Transformers were hugely popular.
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Old 07-06-2004, 10:24 PM   #4
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Well belive what you want , i KNOW santa is real !!! One winter our pipes froze , all i wanted for xmas was for those damn pipes to un freeze , they did on xmas morning . The tooth fairy can be fun , i had a friend that had a bad wreck looseing most of his teeth , the nurses retrived them for his mom and as he laid in a hospitol bed only semi concus they put his teeth under his pillow and the tooth fairy came and left him some loot , money and activity books . It made his day !!!
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Old 07-06-2004, 11:56 PM   #5
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A friend of mine has decided that the Tooth Fairy has more than enough business to attend to, and has arranged that a FOTF (Friend of the Tooth Fairy) attends personally to her children.

The "Mousies" come to visit whenever a tooth is lost. The tooth is carefully placed in a porcelain box purchased for each child on the occasion of the first tooth loss.

Along with the tooth and a note to the mousies a cookie is placed next to the box. This is to teach the children that it is as important to give as to receive. The Mousies write a reply to the letter, as well as leaving a gift (not always cash) in exchange for the cookie and the tooth.

Both sets of grandparents are on board with respect to the Mousies in the event that tooth loss occurs during an overnight visit.
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Old 07-07-2004, 12:33 AM   #6
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Intentionaly deceiving children without a good reason is horribly wrong. When kids eventually find out their parents have been perpetuating a fantasy and fucking with their heads, I think some measure of respect and trust in the parents is lost.

But of course it depends on the degree to which the truth was covered up. If kids know the truth and participate in the fantasy anyway, then there's no harm in that.
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Old 07-07-2004, 12:52 AM   #7
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Losing trust in your parents and gaining it in yourself is an important part of growing up. Hopefully learning Santa isn't "real" is the worst thing that happens to your kids.
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Old 07-07-2004, 01:06 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by juju
Intentionaly deceiving children without a good reason is horribly wrong.
but there IS a good reason. it's FUN to believe in Santa. Dont tell me you didnt enjoy christmas eve more than anything you could imagine.

think of it. You're 6, and you're wearing your footy pajamas. there's a fire. The pine from the tree and the smell from the fire combine to create a smell that you will forever associate with christmas, and joy, and comfort. you've been stringing popcorn, and drinking hot chocolate while watching the 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' old school cartoon (you kow the one; with burl Ives as frosty) Mom has a batch of cookies going to leave out for Santa, and you suddenly remember the reindeer, and dash to the fridge to get a carrot for Rudolph. While the cookies bake, you all pile onto the couch and Mom or Dad reads "T'was the Night Before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."

damn, i got chiils!

It's all built up around Santa coming, and Magic, and anticipation! AS a kid, this is the biggest night of the whole year. and a year is a long damn time when you're 6.

or you can just tell your kids that exchanging gifts is a tradition, and no, you can't open any of them until December 25th. now get your soggy little ass off my carpet with those shoes. "Honey! Dinner's ready!"
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Old 07-07-2004, 01:25 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lumberjim
think of it. You're 6, and you're wearing your footy pajamas. there's a fire. The pine from the tree and the smell from the fire combine to create a smell that you will forever associate with christmas, and joy, and comfort. you've been stringing popcorn, and drinking hot chocolate while watching the 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' old school cartoon (you kow the one; with burl Ives as frosty) Mom has a batch of cookies going to leave out for Santa, and you suddenly remember the reindeer, and dash to the fridge to get a carrot for Rudolph. While the cookies bake, you all pile onto the couch and Mom or Dad reads "T'was the Night Before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."

damn, i got chiils!

It's all built up around Santa coming, and Magic, and anticipation! AS a kid, this is the biggest night of the whole year. and a year is a long damn time when you're 6.
Everything here can also be true of a 6 year old who knows Santa isn't real. I don't necessarily think kids need to be deceived for the above to be true.

But, you know, my kid is only 8 months old. So, take heart in the fact that eventually my ideology will crash into reality and perhaps be forced to reevaluate itself. :)

Last edited by juju; 07-07-2004 at 01:40 AM.
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Old 07-07-2004, 01:37 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wolf
Losing trust in your parents and gaining it in yourself is an important part of growing up.
It is? Wouldn't it be better to be able to trust your parents and yourself?
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Old 07-07-2004, 05:27 AM   #11
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Everything here can also be true of a 6 year old who knows Santa isn't real
juju is right, my 5 almost 6 year old daughter knows that father christmas and the tooth faries don't exist, we used to play along for the fun but when she asks (and they ask questions REPEATEDLY at this age ) directly we just tell her it they are just stories. That doesn't stop her from playing along with the fun when she wants or from her making believe that they exist, although this year for Christmas she wanted to be the one who dressed up as Santa.

Other mythical figures we have to deal with are god and "menino Jesus", I have tried to be a little bit more open in this, we don't speak about them but Portugal is culturally catholic and her kindergarden teachers will talk to her about religion etc, I tell her that I don't believe in god or Jesus and why. But that many people do and she should respect their beliefs whatever she finally decides to believe. I tell her that Jesus spoke of compassion for the poor and warned that we should right our own faults before we should try to right the faults of others, but I also tell that that doesn't make him a god. She understands this but then she also talks about "menino Jesus" up in the sky helping people, it is not worth fighting, kids are quite able to keep inconsistancies alive in their heads at that age (many continue to keep such inconsistancies)

I had to explain the story of "Noah's Ark" the other day to her, very hard to keep a neutral tone...I mean come on, God decides to kill everybody because he wasn't happy with what he made????

-edited because of my even worse than english Portuguese spelling skills

Last edited by Yelof; 07-07-2004 at 08:06 AM.
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Old 07-07-2004, 07:48 AM   #12
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My 5 year old daughter hears from lots of other people about Santa Claus. I might read her a book about him, but I have never said anything to her to lend weight to the idea that he is real. She has asked me before if Santa is real, and I have said that I have heard of him, but never seen him. When we have presents under the tree, every tag on a present says who the present is from. There is nothing from "Santa."

I don't want to come right out and tell her that Santa is a lie, because I see that she enjoys it. But I also am trying to give her a dose of healthy scepticism, so she won't be crushed. I think the seed has been planted in her mind.

I remember being disillusioned when I figured out Santa wasn't real. I had friends who beleived in Santa long after other kids had figured it out, and had even told them. Their parents went to absurd lengths to keep the fantasy alive. That's just wrong.
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Old 07-07-2004, 04:52 PM   #13
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why is that wrong? does a belief in santa or the easter bunny injure the child in any way? children enjoy the mystery surrounding thesekind hearted souls who only come when they are sleeping, and i enjoy seeing the wonder in my son's eyes during those holidays.

i don't judge you for not participating, but i do ask why? where is the harm?

edit: there is plenty of time in their adult lives for cynicism and skepticism. childhood is for pure enjoyment.
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Last edited by lookout123; 07-07-2004 at 04:53 PM. Reason: afterthought
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Old 07-08-2004, 05:44 AM   #14
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Because, if I were ignorant, I would not want someone to tell me lies. I'd want to know the truth.

Just think if you were deceived. What if the Moon landing were a myth? There is in fact no Space Program. There never was! It was all a farce by the government to keep our spirits up. Ha ha, they really put one over on you! Wasn't the fantasy of it all worth it, though?

I'd really rather know the truth than be deceived. One can still fantasize and be filled with wonder while knowing the truth.
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Old 07-08-2004, 09:36 AM   #15
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I'm absolutely with Juju on this one. I heard it said on some show on NPR, may have been Prairie Home Companion, "A father should never lie, especially to his children". Regardless of your *intent* when you tell your children that Santa Claus is real, it's still a lie. You really cannot argue this point. And when they do discover the truth, it's going to be painful on a lot of levels. It may or may not be permanent damage, but as for me, I would rather not deal with it.

Sometimes in life a little white lie may be appropriate, but I cannot imagine any situation in which it is appropriate to lie to your children and risk any kind of erosion of trust. My son relies on me completely and will for many years to come. It is imperative to me that he always know he can trust his dad.
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