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Relationships People who need people; or, why can't we all just get along?

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Old 01-25-2007, 05:35 AM   #16
Perry Winkle
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Quote:
Originally Posted by freshnesschronic View Post
Hm... Do you have a significant other? That for one, might make you, how shall I put it, less "wanting to seek out" other people for social compionship. Heck, when I'm with my girlfriend I'm all set and happier than anything. I too have only a couple close friends, but I still am pretty friendly to acquaintances, but total strangers I pretty much ignore unless they notice me.

Do you find it hard to deal with these strangers?
I'm single, and I don't deal with strangers very well. And I've moved around enough that my close friends are all elsewhere.

I've never been lonely a day in my life until a couple months ago. That's when the silence became painful.
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Old 01-25-2007, 05:42 AM   #17
Perry Winkle
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Originally Posted by monster View Post
You need to move to the UK. You'll fit in perfectly.
I've looked into it and would, but in order to get a work visa you have to have a sponsoring employer there, and in order to get an employer there you have to be in country or already have a work visa. As I understand it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Clodfobble View Post
Well, if you think you could manage to move to Fort Worth, Texas, I do have a shy sister-in-law who is looking for the strong, silent type. It's unfortunate that an introverted person looking to meet another introverted person is a bit like a quadriplegic on a snipe hunt.
Yeah, I could manage to "move" anywhere. And I'm looking to move. I just have this stupid responsible streak that won't let me just pack up and take off without a plan.

Also, I'm not necessarily looking for introverts, though that would probably be best. An extrovert that understands introverts would work too, but I think thats probably harder to find than a snipe.
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Old 01-25-2007, 05:48 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aliantha View Post
Just make yourself happy.
I'm basically happy. Sometimes, I just start to feel sorry for myself in the evenings.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DucksNuts View Post
Why dont you just say....."I'm going to smile at a different random person everyday",or "I'm going to make polite conversation with someone I dont know today".
That's a healthier approach than the one I normally use.

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Originally Posted by DucksNuts View Post
I have the opposite problem, I'm every bodies best friend within 2 minutes of meeting them. Totally extroverted and a bit full on
Why don't I find that hard to believe?

(I don't think I've not responded to anyone. Maybe I'll have some groundbreaking thoughts at the gym.)
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Old 01-25-2007, 09:22 AM   #19
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Great article about this that I found a few years ago.
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Old 01-25-2007, 09:38 AM   #20
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That is great - thank you.

I forget I am an introvert sometimes, because the term is misused to mean shy or lacking confidence.

I feel ready to celebrate it again now!
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Old 01-25-2007, 10:02 AM   #21
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Grant--don't think I'm being flip, but do you at all think your feelings have anything to do with it being January? The weather has a huge effect on my own moods. Jan/Feb and March are hard for me unless it's sunny out---and it never is. You say you are feeling it around the evenings---what are you doing? watching TV? reading? Music? There's nothing lonelier than twilight in Jan/Feb/March! I try to flood my senses--embroidery with the TV on, lots of lights and I FORCE myself to make dinner. A real dinner. When I am at my worst, I won't even bother to open a can of condensed soup as it's too much trouble. Just some ideas.

Like UT, I don't like many people either. I find people boring or rude or both. I've learned to live alone (with my teenage son, so maybe that doesn';t quite count) and I doubt very much if I could now stand living with another adult. Yikes.
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Old 01-25-2007, 10:03 AM   #22
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Excellent article!

As for meeting people, maybe when you are feeling lonely, go to a local coffee shop or library and sit by someone who is sitting alone. A simple smile given and recieved would probably be enough to make you feel a little better. And, if you're feeling really crazy, even say hello. Bring a book (or grab one off the shelf) as a conversation starter, or as a back up activity if you change your mind about being social.
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Old 01-25-2007, 10:29 AM   #23
Perry Winkle
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Quote:
Originally Posted by glatt View Post
Great article about this that I found a few years ago.
Yeah, I've read that article a few times. It usually just pisses me off.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brianna View Post
Grant--don't think I'm being flip, but do you at all think your feelings have anything to do with it being January? The weather has a huge effect on my own moods. Jan/Feb and March are hard for me unless it's sunny out---and it never is. You say you are feeling it around the evenings---what are you doing? watching TV? reading? Music? There's nothing lonelier than twilight in Jan/Feb/March! I try to flood my senses--embroidery with the TV on, lots of lights and I FORCE myself to make dinner. A real dinner. When I am at my worst, I won't even bother to open a can of condensed soup as it's too much trouble. Just some ideas.
I usually read, watch a movie, pine for the fjords, or catch up on bloglines and the Cellar as I've been doing lately.

I used to wonder if it was the weather, but I don't think that's it. I think I'm allergic to suburban sprawl.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LabRat View Post
As for meeting people, maybe when you are feeling lonely, go to a local coffee shop or library and sit by someone who is sitting alone. A simple smile given and recieved would probably be enough to make you feel a little better. And, if you're feeling really crazy, even say hello. Bring a book (or grab one off the shelf) as a conversation starter, or as a back up activity if you change your mind about being social.
More good advice. Thanks, LabRat.
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Old 01-25-2007, 10:35 AM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jimmy Buffet
Strange bird from a different nest
Flying low not like all of the rest
If you can't catch him you can't name him
If you can't see him you can't claim him
Stay on the ground or he will shoot you down
Wings on his heart, he's a strange bird
I am a strange bird, too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by above article
Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"
I have a friend I work with who I wish understood that sometimes I am just lost in thought (as opposed to times when I am the office clown) and asking me if everything is OK is akin to pushing me in front of a moving bus.
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Old 01-25-2007, 11:06 AM   #25
Sundae
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I've just printed out "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush" to go behind my desk.

Along with explodingdog's You Can't Make Me Cry Today.

Yes they think I'm slightly odd. No, I don't care all that much.
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Old 01-25-2007, 11:29 AM   #26
Perry Winkle
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Originally Posted by Sundae Girl View Post
Along with explodingdog's You Can't Make Me Cry Today.
Those are awesome, thanks for the pointer.
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Old 01-25-2007, 08:58 PM   #27
Aliantha
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There are more suicides in January than any other month of the year.
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Old 01-25-2007, 11:32 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grant View Post
The men in my family are always mostly friendless (excepting a small hand-full of really close, but still at arms length, friends). I don't know where it comes from, but we have something ingrained in us that makes us think that needing people is a weakness and being warm toward people is dangerous. We can come off as cold, distant, sober, ..., (I think you get the idea).

We know that belief is bunk, but it is very effective at keeping us closed off. And when we manage to turn it off we're pretty solid people persons.

My maternal grandfather, his son (my uncle) and myself are the most extreme examples of this. We don't speak unless we have something to say, and even then we might not say anything.

It's hard for people who aren't intimately familiar with the way men in my family are to grasp this. This is fine for my grandfather he's been married to my grandmother for 50 years, and for my uncle who's on his second marriage, but for me...

Let's just say I'm not entirely happy with my relationship situation. And I think it's mostly due to this personality characteristic. It's so ingrained that I'm sure there's no way to remove the trait from myself, so I'm just looking for ways to minimize the impact it has on my day-to-day interactions.

I was going to ask for advice, but I'm not sure there's anything to be done.

I'm having the most introspective month of my entire fucking life, and it's driving me mad.

So, having had time to digest this, I realise that the same is true of the women in my family. The "close" friends we do have tend to be men, and they're still not that close. We just don't do the girly thing (whatever that is). But I've never really thought about it before and it's never really bothered me.

I had a crappy childhood (not really abusive or anything, just bog-standard divorce crappy), but I concentrated on dealing with that rather than making friends. I learned to love when I was an adult, and I never got secure about that until I met beest. (And I still don't do hugs for anyone but my immediate family).

But I only realise that in hindsight. And I realise now that I've only really learned how to make friends since I moved here 6 years ago aged 30. Which I guess is what prompted my comment about England.

Advice? Like you say, there's not a lot really. My advice is not to worry. When the right relationship comes along, you will know and it will suddenly be OK. Trying to be someone else to make a success of a relationship is a recipe for failure. When you need close friends, you will learn how to make them, but right now, you seem cool, just at an emotional low point and wondering if it would be easier if you had a bosom buddy. It most likely wouldn't, so don't beat yourself up over it.
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Old 01-27-2007, 06:12 PM   #29
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I was a bit like Monster, though the childhood was worse. I kept to myself because dealing with my parents' divorce and then being abused for years took some dealing with. I was teased a lot growing up, and it was just easier to keep to myself and a very few friends.

In college, though, I got away from all of the things that had made being more social difficult for me before. I was able to recreate myself and become someone completely new, free of preconceived reputation. Thus was born the extrovert I am now.

As some of you read over in my thread, I'm going through a really excruciating breakup and have retreated somewhat into that introvert shell. The really, really ironic thing to this is that the man who just broke up with me is an introvert, and I'm coming to realize, after reading that article, that I did everything wrong as it relates to him as an introvert. I wish I had had that article a year ago
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Old 04-14-2008, 11:05 AM   #30
shina
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a random thought that came into my email this morning.

What a difference a sad event in someone's life makes.


GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died...)



Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

George Carlin
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