94 and Counting

CaliforniaMama · 12-08-2006, 09:57 AM

I’m in need of a little moral support these days.

I am in the midst of a challenging family situation – namely the care of my aunt, who is 94.

She is still lucid and sharp, still in complete control of her body and brain, but she has a tendency to fall. She has a lady living with her and it is this companion that has made life challenging.

It is a situation where an elderly assistance agency matched them together – the companion has agreed to be available in exchange for a private room. The problem is that the companion is demanding more and more and they are really starting to get on each other’s nerves.

Recently the companion asked my aunt for the use of her car and when the family and attorney found out they had fits and all came running to me.

I will be my aunt’s executor when she dies and I’m pretty much her closest relative, other than her brother, who is also her best friend. So, I’m the one who gets to deal with my aunt and her problems. I am more than happy to step in here, but I don’t see what I can do when my aunt is in full control.

The agency is begging me to make this work, saying they probably won’t be able to find anyone else for my aunt.

The companion says things have to change or she’s leaving. She is demanding to be paid, saying the value of what she does is greater than the benefit she is getting (of her own room, separate entrance, meals supplied, use of computer and internet).

My aunt’s step-children say the companion must go, that she is dishonest and a danger to my aunt, that she is going to rip my aunt off, etc. They hate the woman. They believe the woman is coercing my aunt to do things she wouldn’t otherwise do.

The attorney doesn’t like the woman either and is keeping on eye on the financial end of things, telling my aunt to not give her any money, don’t let her sign checks, etc. He knows what’s in the will and would definitely let me know if my aunt all of a sudden changed her will in favor of this woman, which I don’t see happening any time soon.

My aunt is refusing to pay this woman for housecleaning, saying that if the companion wants to do it, that is up to her, but my aunt has another friend she pays for doing the cleaning and that’s the way she wants it to be. The companion is putting pressure on my aunt to pay her instead.

It goes on and on.

I thought I would be prepared for all of this after taking care of my mom in her last days, helping with my dad in his last days, caretaking for my paternal grandparents and helping with arrangements when they passed away, but in all of that I had not dealt with a cranky, sharp 94 year old who wants everyone to stay out of her business!
I’m willing to respect that, but there are limits. For instance, she is still driving and she really shouldn’t be. One side of my head says to wait until the Dept of Motor Vehicles yanks her license, but another part of me says to get her to stop driving now.

At this point I am kind of at a loss. I need to call the elder agency to try to get boundaries worked out between my aunt and her companion. I need to call the attorney to find out the legalities of this woman being here and what rights she has, plus I need to tell him that she’ll probably be around a while longer. I need to call the step-children and tell them the hated woman is not leaving any time soon and listen to their raging yet one more time.

And I need to deal with the fact that just asking my aunt to stop calling the companion’s stuff “junk” caused her blood pressure to sky rocket. She’s a tough bird, been through hell upside down and is not giving up. I admire that, but at the same time it is hard to deal with someone who is not going to stop her harping after a lifetime of honing that skill.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-08-2006, 10:30 AM

Why haven't the step-children stepped in, if they dislike the companion?
Oh, and steal her car.

wolf · 12-08-2006, 12:40 PM

Kick out the companion, do counts of all the pain meds, change the locks, and seek services from some other agency.

Sundae · 12-08-2006, 01:45 PM

The only thing I can help with is the request for moral support.

You sound like you are paying attention to the situation. You obviously have to bite your tongue and stay tactful, and that is doubly difficult when it comes to family (and older family members I think - perhaps prejudice but it's my experience). You are giving up time and effort in order to try and resolve a situation not of your making.

For all this I admire and respect you. Keep your spirits up and I hope things get better.

Apart from that I suggest you listen to the questions & suggestions from other posters. You probably know how to resolve this yourself, but the answer isn't the one you want - hence asking for input. Good luck.

monster · 12-08-2006, 08:16 PM

Why won't the agency be able to find anyone else?

Are there no other agencies?

12-08-2006, 09:35 PM

What does "being available" mean? Just hanging out with your aunt? Does your aunt LIKE this person? If your aunt still has all her wits about her and can still walk around, and has someone who already does the cleaning, why does she need a "companion"? Why doesn't she just get one of those medical alert things that she can wear around her neck in case she falls?

Take the car away. A family of 5 may one day thank you for it.

CaliforniaMama · 12-10-2006, 11:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Why haven't the step-children stepped in, if they dislike the companion?

They are gutless and she won't listen to them anyway. If they did that there would definitely be hell to pay! Plus they know it isn't their place . . .

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster

Why won't the agency be able to find anyone else?

Are there no other agencies?

I've got to find out if there are other agencies. Because she is so old, the agency won't refer someone who doesn't have health-care experience and if someone has health-care experience they have to be paid.

Ironically, my aunt doesn't need any health-care so that's not even an issue in my book, but she is hard as hell to live with and I think that's the real problem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by marichiko

What does "being available" mean? Just hanging out with your aunt? Does your aunt LIKE this person? If your aunt still has all her wits about her and can still walk around, and has someone who already does the cleaning, why does she need a "companion"? Why doesn't she just get one of those medical alert things that she can wear around her neck in case she falls?

Take the car away. A family of 5 may one day thank you for it.

Being available is essentially just being a phone call away, being ready to deal with anything she wants/needs. I'm two hours away, so daily visits aren't a possibility and if I did that she'd think I was checking up on her!

She likes her companion as well as she'd like anyone, I guess.

She thinks her primary need is to have someone there at night and during bathing in case she falls. In reality, that has not been an issue and the companion has never had to help her at night. It is more a security blanket than a real need.

She does have the medical alert necklace, but I don't think she trusts it.

Yeah, this whole driving thing is really sinking in as top priority. Don't know why I didn't see it before.

The funny thing is, when my aunt wanted my uncle to stop driving she hid his drivers' license. He thought he lost it and wouldn't drive without it. Simple solution.

If only my aunt was that simple . . .

Griff · 12-11-2006, 06:27 AM

You've got to find someone else. The companion knew the deal coming in. It will be hard for anyone to help, but at least family will understand where she's coming from.

12-08-2006, 09:57 AM	#1
CaliforniaMama I wonder . . . Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: The Left Coast, a pretty good place to be. Posts: 1,278	94 and Counting I’m in need of a little moral support these days. I am in the midst of a challenging family situation – namely the care of my aunt, who is 94. She is still lucid and sharp, still in complete control of her body and brain, but she has a tendency to fall. She has a lady living with her and it is this companion that has made life challenging. It is a situation where an elderly assistance agency matched them together – the companion has agreed to be available in exchange for a private room. The problem is that the companion is demanding more and more and they are really starting to get on each other’s nerves. Recently the companion asked my aunt for the use of her car and when the family and attorney found out they had fits and all came running to me. I will be my aunt’s executor when she dies and I’m pretty much her closest relative, other than her brother, who is also her best friend. So, I’m the one who gets to deal with my aunt and her problems. I am more than happy to step in here, but I don’t see what I can do when my aunt is in full control. The agency is begging me to make this work, saying they probably won’t be able to find anyone else for my aunt. The companion says things have to change or she’s leaving. She is demanding to be paid, saying the value of what she does is greater than the benefit she is getting (of her own room, separate entrance, meals supplied, use of computer and internet). My aunt’s step-children say the companion must go, that she is dishonest and a danger to my aunt, that she is going to rip my aunt off, etc. They hate the woman. They believe the woman is coercing my aunt to do things she wouldn’t otherwise do. The attorney doesn’t like the woman either and is keeping on eye on the financial end of things, telling my aunt to not give her any money, don’t let her sign checks, etc. He knows what’s in the will and would definitely let me know if my aunt all of a sudden changed her will in favor of this woman, which I don’t see happening any time soon. My aunt is refusing to pay this woman for housecleaning, saying that if the companion wants to do it, that is up to her, but my aunt has another friend she pays for doing the cleaning and that’s the way she wants it to be. The companion is putting pressure on my aunt to pay her instead. It goes on and on. I thought I would be prepared for all of this after taking care of my mom in her last days, helping with my dad in his last days, caretaking for my paternal grandparents and helping with arrangements when they passed away, but in all of that I had not dealt with a cranky, sharp 94 year old who wants everyone to stay out of her business! I’m willing to respect that, but there are limits. For instance, she is still driving and she really shouldn’t be. One side of my head says to wait until the Dept of Motor Vehicles yanks her license, but another part of me says to get her to stop driving now. At this point I am kind of at a loss. I need to call the elder agency to try to get boundaries worked out between my aunt and her companion. I need to call the attorney to find out the legalities of this woman being here and what rights she has, plus I need to tell him that she’ll probably be around a while longer. I need to call the step-children and tell them the hated woman is not leaving any time soon and listen to their raging yet one more time. And I need to deal with the fact that just asking my aunt to stop calling the companion’s stuff “junk” caused her blood pressure to sky rocket. She’s a tough bird, been through hell upside down and is not giving up. I admire that, but at the same time it is hard to deal with someone who is not going to stop her harping after a lifetime of honing that skill. __________________ Take time for silence. You never know what you might hear.

12-08-2006, 10:30 AM	#2
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Why haven't the step-children stepped in, if they dislike the companion? Oh, and steal her car. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-08-2006, 12:40 PM	#3
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Kick out the companion, do counts of all the pain meds, change the locks, and seek services from some other agency. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

12-08-2006, 01:45 PM	#4
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	The only thing I can help with is the request for moral support. You sound like you are paying attention to the situation. You obviously have to bite your tongue and stay tactful, and that is doubly difficult when it comes to family (and older family members I think - perhaps prejudice but it's my experience). You are giving up time and effort in order to try and resolve a situation not of your making. For all this I admire and respect you. Keep your spirits up and I hope things get better. Apart from that I suggest you listen to the questions & suggestions from other posters. You probably know how to resolve this yourself, but the answer isn't the one you want - hence asking for input. Good luck. __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

12-08-2006, 08:16 PM	#5
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Why won't the agency be able to find anyone else? Are there no other agencies? __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

12-08-2006, 09:35 PM	#6
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	What does "being available" mean? Just hanging out with your aunt? Does your aunt LIKE this person? If your aunt still has all her wits about her and can still walk around, and has someone who already does the cleaning, why does she need a "companion"? Why doesn't she just get one of those medical alert things that she can wear around her neck in case she falls? Take the car away. A family of 5 may one day thank you for it.

12-11-2006, 06:27 AM	#8
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	You've got to find someone else. The companion knew the deal coming in. It will be hard for anyone to help, but at least family will understand where she's coming from.

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