The kind of love you never recover from

anonymous · 04-02-2009, 02:27 PM

I just found out that my first crush from high school passed away several years ago. I was always so tongue tied around her I was never able to get past the awkward shy stage. Even as an adult, 20 years later, I could barely speak to her and I'm sure I sounded like a nutcase.

A mutual friend mentioned that she had passed on, shortly after I last saw her. Not that it would change my life now, but I will never have the chance to tell her how great she made me feel just to be near her, even if I couldn't speak.

I feel like a part of me has passed on with her, the potential of telling her what I was feeling and taking that risk.

LabRat · 04-02-2009, 02:38 PM

The biggest part of the grieving process is getting over/letting go what could have/should have been. Some people never do.

Good luck. Take that energy and put it into relationships that can prosper from it.

My condolences are with you.

04-02-2009, 03:20 PM

I'm sorry to hear that!

Most of the people you love leave a mark on you, in one way or another. I wouldn't call it "never recovering", but rather, "being affected by your relationships with people".

Beestie · 04-02-2009, 04:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymous

I will never have the chance to tell her how great she made me feel

I bet she knew. And I bet it made her feel good too.

Sorry for your loss.

lumberjim · 04-02-2009, 05:00 PM

life, in a sense, is a constant series of losses

each time we make a decision, we lose the other choices we could have made. you chose a path that led you away from that love. all that time, though...you knew that you could....if it became clear that it was the wrong decision, have undone it, and at least tried to get back to that place. now she's gone, and you never can.

just remember, at times like these especially, that every day presents more choices and options.

Shawnee123 · 04-02-2009, 05:45 PM

What jim said.

dar512 · 04-03-2009, 09:12 AM

Two of my brothers-in-law are in financial areas. They call this "opportunity cost".

Trilby · 04-03-2009, 10:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

life, in a sense, is a constant series of losses

each time we make a decision, we lose the other choices we could have made. you chose a path that led you away from that love. all that time, though...you knew that you could....if it became clear that it was the wrong decision, have undone it, and at least tried to get back to that place. now she's gone, and you never can.

just remember, at times like these especially, that every day presents more choices and options.

very nice, jim. you're a mensch.

Shawnee123 · 04-03-2009, 10:37 AM

Does this knowledge change anything for any of us? Does knowing that we have choices, and we can choose to be happy, make anyone do so? Not in my experience. We are caught up in how we're "supposed" to be, and we make it easy for ourselves to believe that the happiness we shut out wasn't real. After all, how can happiness be real? It can only be real if it's fraught with obstacles and anger and coldness. The other stuff? Just fairy tale.

There is an important lesson to learn here, but man hasn't learned it much since the beginning of time, and I doubt we ever will.

Juniper · 04-03-2009, 10:48 AM

I have made decisions based on practical measures of what was most likely to cause happiness over the long-term vs. what was thrilling me right at the moment. And in nearly every case, I was dead wrong.

I think that's what you mean, Shawnee, am I right?

I also have a "great love" from the past - my first real love affair. He's still alive and I think lives not too far from here, though I haven't seen him for almost 20 years. I think about him from time to time, wondering if I made the right decision (it was mutual, but I think I could've changed things if I really wanted to), if I should really still be with him. But I think we always look at these past relationships with the proverbial "rose colored glasses" and they seem more perfect than they really were. In reality, when I think about it logically, he was a mess and our relationship was a train wreck. Yet part of me still pines and thinks "oh, I loved him so."

anonymous · 04-03-2009, 10:51 AM

I contacted my high school sweetheart and it went really bad. She called the state police and said I was a stalker to cover for her extra jealous husband.

Shawnee123 · 04-03-2009, 10:54 AM

I know the reality that the white hot passion will fade. I also see the very happy couples who were lucky enough geographically to find each other, and they remain happy and content (my younger bro and his wife, and lj and jinx) come to mind.

But I see so many more people going through the motions. They believe love won't sustain: stick with the known, even if every day is a lesson in futility and hostility.

I don't look back at my "first" love with much more than amusement: but as a grown up I know what choices are and most people will take the road most travelled. Certainly the emotions I experience now are contrasted by the crazy passions of youth, and I know the difference.

Me, I'm waiting by the dirt path wondering why, in this small time we have on earth, people would choose what is "supposed" to be, if what is supposed to be is a miserable existence.

DanaC · 04-03-2009, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

Does this knowledge change anything for any of us? Does knowing that we have choices, and we can choose to be happy, make anyone do so? Not in my experience. We are caught up in how we're "supposed" to be, and we make it easy for ourselves to believe that the happiness we shut out wasn't real. After all, how can happiness be real? It can only be real if it's fraught with obstacles and anger and coldness. The other stuff? Just fairy tale.

There is an important lesson to learn here, but man hasn't learned it much since the beginning of time, and I doubt we ever will.

All depends on your definition of happiness really. I would say, really, that overall I am happy. Warts and all kind of happiness. There's stuff that makes me miz from time to time...but I'm more or less happy with where I'm at, and happy with where I've been and I am totally convinced much of that is to do with conscious decision making. From time to time I have to remind myself though. It isn't always easy. Realising it really is ok to be who you are and not conform to society's ideas of how your life should go helps enormously. As does realising that happiness and cheerfulness are not necessarily the same thing. It is possible to be cheerful when you're unhappy. It's possible to be happy but depressed. That's one of the brilliant things about the mind. You can have more than one track running at any one time and once you realise that, you can (to an extent) choose which one to follow.

Shawnee123 · 04-03-2009, 11:35 AM

I agree. I think I'm relatively happy, though some days I don't feel so (like TODAY!)

You're right, it's just that it's not always easy. I am reminding myself of this today.

I am glad anonymous posted this: as is usual I apply it to my personal life, but I hope anon has happiness too in the choices (s)he made.

This thread brought a lot to the surface for me.

Queen of the Ryche · 04-03-2009, 02:54 PM

saw this on another site: "There's a reason the windshield is so much bigger than the rear view mirror." Thought it fit nicely here. And it just might be my new sig...rose colored glasses, and all. Totally know where you're coming from Anon, but if I really truly believed that one great one was it, I would still be with him, or he with me. Guess he really wasn't "the one." I don' tknow if I believe in "theone" anymore - more like a series of twos and threes.....

04-02-2009, 02:27 PM	#1
anonymous Operations Operative Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: in hiding Posts: 578	The kind of love you never recover from I just found out that my first crush from high school passed away several years ago. I was always so tongue tied around her I was never able to get past the awkward shy stage. Even as an adult, 20 years later, I could barely speak to her and I'm sure I sounded like a nutcase. A mutual friend mentioned that she had passed on, shortly after I last saw her. Not that it would change my life now, but I will never have the chance to tell her how great she made me feel just to be near her, even if I couldn't speak. I feel like a part of me has passed on with her, the potential of telling her what I was feeling and taking that risk.

04-02-2009, 02:38 PM	#2
LabRat twatfaced two legged bumhole Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 3,143	The biggest part of the grieving process is getting over/letting go what could have/should have been. Some people never do. Good luck. Take that energy and put it into relationships that can prosper from it. My condolences are with you. __________________ Strength does not come from how much weight you can lift, or how many miles you can run. It comes from knowing that you set a goal, and rose to the challenge. Strength comes from within.

04-02-2009, 05:00 PM	#5
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	life, in a sense, is a constant series of losses each time we make a decision, we lose the other choices we could have made. you chose a path that led you away from that love. all that time, though...you knew that you could....if it became clear that it was the wrong decision, have undone it, and at least tried to get back to that place. now she's gone, and you never can. just remember, at times like these especially, that every day presents more choices and options. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

04-02-2009, 05:45 PM	#6
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	What jim said. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

04-03-2009, 09:12 AM	#7
dar512 dar512 is now Pete Zicato Join Date: May 2003 Location: Chicago suburb Posts: 4,968	Two of my brothers-in-law are in financial areas. They call this "opportunity cost". __________________ "Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain." -- Friedrich Schiller

04-02-2009, 03:20 PM	#3
Tiki Guest Posts: n/a	I'm sorry to hear that! Most of the people you love leave a mark on you, in one way or another. I wouldn't call it "never recovering", but rather, "being affected by your relationships with people".

04-03-2009, 10:37 AM	#9
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Does this knowledge change anything for any of us? Does knowing that we have choices, and we can choose to be happy, make anyone do so? Not in my experience. We are caught up in how we're "supposed" to be, and we make it easy for ourselves to believe that the happiness we shut out wasn't real. After all, how can happiness be real? It can only be real if it's fraught with obstacles and anger and coldness. The other stuff? Just fairy tale. There is an important lesson to learn here, but man hasn't learned it much since the beginning of time, and I doubt we ever will. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

04-03-2009, 10:48 AM	#10
Juniper I know, right? Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 1,539	I have made decisions based on practical measures of what was most likely to cause happiness over the long-term vs. what was thrilling me right at the moment. And in nearly every case, I was dead wrong. I think that's what you mean, Shawnee, am I right? I also have a "great love" from the past - my first real love affair. He's still alive and I think lives not too far from here, though I haven't seen him for almost 20 years. I think about him from time to time, wondering if I made the right decision (it was mutual, but I think I could've changed things if I really wanted to), if I should really still be with him. But I think we always look at these past relationships with the proverbial "rose colored glasses" and they seem more perfect than they really were. In reality, when I think about it logically, he was a mess and our relationship was a train wreck. Yet part of me still pines and thinks "oh, I loved him so."

04-03-2009, 10:51 AM	#11
anonymous Operations Operative Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: in hiding Posts: 578	I contacted my high school sweetheart and it went really bad. She called the state police and said I was a stalker to cover for her extra jealous husband.

04-03-2009, 10:54 AM	#12
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	I know the reality that the white hot passion will fade. I also see the very happy couples who were lucky enough geographically to find each other, and they remain happy and content (my younger bro and his wife, and lj and jinx) come to mind. But I see so many more people going through the motions. They believe love won't sustain: stick with the known, even if every day is a lesson in futility and hostility. I don't look back at my "first" love with much more than amusement: but as a grown up I know what choices are and most people will take the road most travelled. Certainly the emotions I experience now are contrasted by the crazy passions of youth, and I know the difference. Me, I'm waiting by the dirt path wondering why, in this small time we have on earth, people would choose what is "supposed" to be, if what is supposed to be is a miserable existence. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

04-03-2009, 11:35 AM	#14
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	I agree. I think I'm relatively happy, though some days I don't feel so (like TODAY!) You're right, it's just that it's not always easy. I am reminding myself of this today. I am glad anonymous posted this: as is usual I apply it to my personal life, but I hope anon has happiness too in the choices (s)he made. This thread brought a lot to the surface for me. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

04-03-2009, 02:54 PM	#15
Queen of the Ryche is fleeing the scene Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Beautiful CO Posts: 1,510	saw this on another site: "There's a reason the windshield is so much bigger than the rear view mirror." Thought it fit nicely here. And it just might be my new sig...rose colored glasses, and all. Totally know where you're coming from Anon, but if I really truly believed that one great one was it, I would still be with him, or he with me. Guess he really wasn't "the one." I don' tknow if I believe in "theone" anymore - more like a series of twos and threes..... __________________ Once, in an interview, Chuck Norris admitted that he was not the most awesome thing ever. He declined to elaborate; but I believe we all know that he was referring to the existence of chocolate covered bacon. I'd rather be judged by twelve than carried by six.

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