From the Dark Corners of my Mind

[wanderer]

Today, I felt the fear again. It was like sense of being lost in some vast empty space-whose vastness was beyond all the realities. A huge empty energy nabbed me in the stomach giving me that sense of falling forever. A complete jungle of same senseless questions dressed in enigmatic aura came facing me again. And since they were as always so faceless, so 'nothing-like', so simple and so intricate at same time, I felt the fear. Like a mouse trapped in the cage, I felt the claustrophobia of complete emptiness of universe around me. I had that same tingy sense in my mind that makes me want to go insane sometimes. It’s like curse that doesn't leave me. So many times I try to live like normal people. Every time I end up like a street bulb on a dark street, not knowing what’s beyond the sphere of my light.
The fabrication of reality so often bothers me. There's something so obvious to my senses that I don't know. It might be that this is all like talking in circles and not making any sense. Maybe I am just ‘delusion-ist’, who just articulates demons out of complete logic of sensible existence. But that is what it often feels to my brain. It’s like living on the edge sometimes, always fearing a great fall into unfathomable abyss. Why there is nowhere to escape and what is "me"? Have you ever been lost in the dark corridors, feeling desperately for somewhere to get out? Somewhere you can get light to see around. Or fumbling in panic for the switch that you know is there but just can't get hold of. Imagine being forced to bear such nightmare for endless hours; this might give you some idea. Each fragment of time will pass in a fear of unknown shadows. There will be a constant crawling in flesh in an anticipation of something lurking that is ready to pounce on you.
Perhaps the situation is worst. It’s like trying to find a window in pitch black meaningless nowhere, but being afraid to find the window as it might give you a glimpse into even darker, endlessly gigantic reality that defies all the reality that was ever known. It will be like a feeling of a child in the circus of clowns with vampire teeth. Or it will be like a child's feeling of knowing that all those smiling faces will dig their canines into his stomach. A child's feeling of knowing all this, and also knowing that’s there's no mommy to run to.
If all the tiny sub-quantum elements that they discover are complete universes in their own making, and each of those universes that are created have sub-quantum/atomic elements of their own which are universes of their own making which are.......
Days when the sands in the deserts blew in flick of second, a cuckoo's song lasted for eternity. A song that created a new universe and it existed in all thoughts. There was we, me and you, and all the thoughts, makers of the worlds. Still like the sand we flew, in a flick of a second, and then there was a cuckoo's song. The days and nights and all that is in-between; or the truths and the lies we were told, what have the meaning? Often on the births and deaths, the entropy of something gets disturbed. And I am afraid, the fear of it being so obvious, and fear of not knowing it; but worst of all, fear of being able to know it. Life that was and life that will be, the tiny petals of trees, all the loved ones and beloved, on the blue road that we walk so hand in hand, I am often afraid......there's no road, there's no you, there's no me.