Britain regains control of former American Colonies

Faux News

In a stunning surprise move, the British Parliament has just announced that it has rescinded its signing of the Treaty of Paris (TP). Britain and the American Colonies signed the TP on Sept 3, 1782. The document was Britain's recognition of the independent nation of the United States.

A Pakistani maid in the employ of the Royal Family recently discovered secret documents pertaining to the war with the American colonials that had lain undisturbed for over 300 years in an old chamber pot, which once belonged to King George III. "The Queen, she say 'Clean EVERTHIN,' reported Karla Kublikan Xanadu, a refugee from Pakistan who had secured work in the royal palace. "So I do what Her Highness say and I find theese thing under the bed of Prince Andrew" (now the Duke of York). Apparently, the Duke had at one point stashed his collection of Playboy Magazine's in the chamber pot and covered them up with the documents in question to escape discovery by his steely-eyed grandmother, Queen Elizabeth.

When Xanadu reported her find to the Queen, the Duke of York was sent to bed without dinner and British historians excitedly converged on Buckingham Palace. "We could hear the Duke whimpering from his bedroom that the Playboy's really belonged to his younger brother Edward, so one of us pushed some fish and chips under his door, and then we started reading," reported one of the historians who asked to remain nameless. "Wow! You should see the centerfold in the July of '74 edition! Anyhow, we finally got around to the documents and they were almost as exciting as Ms. July's astonishing two frontal endowments."

One of the documents is a transcript of the court martial proceedings of Charles O'Hara who was General Cornwallis's second-in-command. Apparently, Mr. O'Hara had the Irish fondness for drink and, in addition, was known throughout the ranks of Cornwallis's army as an inveterate prankster and player of practical jokes.

During the military engagement at Yorktown, O'Hara managed to get his hands on a keg of corn likker as part of the spoils from a raid on an encampment of colonials from the area we now know as Kentucky. O'Hara downed the better part of almost a gallon of this "white lightening," stole Cornwallis's sword, put on a woman's dress made by Betsey Ross and challenged the French General, Comte de Rochambeau, who was fighting alongside the colonial army to a duel. "Even a woman can fight better 'n a Frenchie!" O'Hara was reported as shouting to de Rochambeau. The Comte's butler, who was a quick thinking man, grabbed the sword from O'Hara's unsteady hand and presented it to George Washington. The rest was history - until today.

Britain's Prime Minister, Tony Blair, told Faux News that the British government would retake control of the American colonies at once. "For quite sometime now we British have been aghast over the foreign policy actions of our American "cousins." It is high time that a stable nation, far more experienced at steering the global helm, take control of things. Drunken frat boys who are deserters from their national military should definitely not be allowed to conduct invasions of third world countries. We British have almost 1,000 years experience in over-running lesser-developed nations starting with the Battle of Hastings in 1066. We do not find the antics of upstarts such as the American colonials amusing. These recently discovered documents now allow the locus of power to be placed back into competent hands. The world owes Ms. Xanadu a great debt."

In London, a mob of thousands converged on the former US Embassy building and began pelting it with rolls of toilet paper. "There's you're TP for you, bloody Yanks!" they shrieked. The Queen has appeared on broadcasts in both the UK and the former US appealing for good manners to be displayed by the populations on both sides of the pond. "We must all act in a manner which is proper," she stated primly.

Residents of the former United States have cleaned the pet shops out of Corgi's and schoolchildren are labouring to learn the new correct spellings of words. One elementary school teacher was quoted as saying, "It's hard for them to understand that "koler" is now spelled as "colour," but I think they'll get it eventually."

Meanwhile, former US President, George W. Bush Jr, has reportedly gone into hiding with the Texas National Guard, and former Vice President Dick Cheney has predicted that buckets of rain will hit the British Isles as God's retribution for this sudden turn of events. When told of Cheney's threat, Prince Phillip replied, "Smashing news! I'm sure I've got an umbrella somewhere!"

9/30/04 5:38pm EST
Copyright Faux News Inc.

[Catwoman]

If only.

Originally Posted by Catwoman

If only.

What? You don't believe Faux News!???

[xoxoxoBruce]

Bring it on. :p

[DanaC]

As long as I can have a nice cup of tea and a digestive biscuit I really dont give a hoot. .... Smashing read Marichiko, you really are a brick, that was positively wizard. *sips from a cup of tea*

I think this is my favourite bit ...."We British have almost 1,000 years experience in over-running lesser-developed nations starting with the Battle of Hastings in 1066. We do not find the antics of upstarts such as the American colonials amusing."

Very funny....even though the historian in me rebels at the idea of Hastings being the start :P A friend of mine and i have a long running argument about whther or not the Normans were superior and the outcome assured or whether in fact history has coloured them that way only with hindsight. What looks from our time like an obvious result simply by dint of it having happened that way, looked at the time like an impossible and (to many) reckless undertaking. Not many battles lasted as long as Hastings did. Up front and personal, close armed combat from first light to dying day and no clear lead for much of that. The English crown at the time was highly regarded and the state machinery the envy of many nations. The Norman state was young and militaristic. It had much in it's favour but it's state machinery was weak compared to England's. Added to that the fact that there is evidence ( though like most it is inconclusive) that Harold had in fact fought off an earlier attempt at the crossing and sent Williams fleet back across the channel to take refuge and that this has been later expressed as his being waylaid by a terrible storm...This having held a national army and navy at the ready for approximately 3 months. 3 months quartering and supplying an army, patrolling the waters etc etc. Thats not a less developed Nation. *coughs* sorry......I lose perspective on the whole anglo norman thing

Umm....I did think that bit was funny though....Also loved Philip with his umbrella *chuckles* ahh....rain....love it or loathe it it still drips down your collar.

While, I'm nowhere near as well versed as you on the Battle of Hastings, I'll admit that I do know enough history that I was not entirely happy with that line. However, I figured most of my readers wouldn't know the difference - not the American ones, anyhow!

[OnyxCougar]

Well, I was put out when it said that the Queen was Andrew's grandmother...when in fact Liz is his mom...

Originally Posted by OnyxCougar

Well, I was put out when it said that the Queen was Andrew's grandmother...when in fact Liz is his mom...

No, really? Phillip and Liz? That's pretty damn kinky, even for the Brits!