A SHORT HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART 1

[Nothing But Net]

In the beginning, most scientists agree, the Universe began as a small boil on God’s ass. This erupted unexpectedly into the Universe, which we now know is comprised of empty space, galaxies, clouds, black holes, and Starbucks. It has been proven that the Universe is constantly expanding, which explains why your morning commute keeps getting longer.

Skipping over a zillion years of boring stuff, the Earth was formed and populated with life. Philosophers have debated what the meaning of life is. That question will not be answered now.

Examining the earliest available writings, we see that God holds the earliest copyright on the Sims. In what can be only considered a supreme irony, Apple won the first battle for the soul of the world.

A little later, Moses brought down the Ten Commandments. The Form 1040 I got in the mail was heavier.

After that, God decided this scenario wasn’t working out, and commanded Noah to build an ark. When it was all done, the Hand of God closed the door on the Ark. Noah muttered, “Thanks God, why didn’t you just build the fucking Ark for me?”

There soon followed a lot of betrayal and killing, until we get to the Greeks. They had a word for it.

You see, those Greeks made a Trojan Horse. Contemporary accounts differ, so we cannot be sure if it was ‘Ribbed for Her Pleasure’.

They also executed the greatest thinker of their time, Socrates. His last words involved repaying a debt to an old friend. He may have been the smartest guy in town, but his estate planning sucked.

Along about this time, Plutarch recorded his ‘Lives’ album. Archimedes was burning one, and Alexander was being great.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Golly, I just have to print this out and I can throw away all those pesky books.
If I could only find a monk to write it down, all fancy like with huge first letters on each paragraph, I could start a religion. I understand there's big bucks in religion.