Safe for kids
 

What's green and hangs in trees?
Giraffe boogers.

What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

What's the difference between snot and brussel sprouts?
Kids will eat snot.

Two cannibals were eating a clown when one looked up at the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

How do you get a tissue to dance?
Put a little boogie in it.

Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan

Where do cantalopes go in the summer?
John Cougar's Mellon Camp

Why is it important to be quiet in church?
Because people are sleeping.

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

"Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

Dave and Jim were out deer hunting. Dave was pretty new to this
whole deer hunting thing, so Jim had told him all about a clean
kill, and field dressing, etc.

Well, after an afternoon up in the stand, Dave heard some noise
in the woods; he got buck fever and fired. He went over to where
he thought his deer should be, and realized he had shot his good
friend Jim.

Dave rushed him to the hospital. After what seemed like a very
long time, the doctor came out shaking his head. He told Dave,

"The gunshot wound wasn't too bad, and we could have saved him
had you just not gutted and skinned him."

hahahah! reminds me of this one.

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.


A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Skippy, get out from under that chair before she shits on you!"

I purchased a Teddy Bear this morning for the princely sum of $10.

I named him Mohammed.

This afternoon I sold him on E-Bay for $30.

My question is, 'Have I made a prophet?'

:lol:

Stolen. This sounds like folks I know.
Howdy Folks,
Since the weather has been so nice lately I decided to
put up the Christmas lights on the trailer.

The kids gave me a hand for about to seconds, but that
didn't deturd me from completin' my task.

After about 6 and a half hours of work, 18 beers, 7 broken
bulbs, 3 electric shocks, 2 3rd degree burns and 1 bruised
wrist I finally finished... sort of.

Apparently, after beer #10 I started to decorate my
neighbors trailer, a pick-up truck, two trees, a pick-nic
table and a horse trailer.

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for that faucet?"
Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."
"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt
went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."

. . . This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

Just sayin', can one of the mods move that last one to the NSFW thread?

Sorry - wasn't thinkin

It was funny -- please re-post in NSFW! :)

i thought he should repost it in the RFN thread.

Grandpa's got a brand new bag!

Dog in Heat
 

"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother. "What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her father asked. "She should be here in a minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."