I hope the person who invented glitter is roasting on the same spit, in the same pit in hell as the piece of shit who laid out my subdivision.

WTF was I thinking when I bought this god damned place?

WTF was I thinking when I took that pistol outta my mouth?

WTF was I thinking when I ducked when that motherfucker shot at me that time?

WTF was I thinking when I took that last breath?

I guess I was thinking "Suffer, motherfucker, suffer."

Ya ever seen an Arab midget?

Would women be less sexy, as sexy, or sexier, if, instead of two boobs, they had just one big boob? Like a camel hump poking outta their chest.

depends if you like to put your dick between them or not?

Good point.

Human beings are just rotten as shit.

10/80/10

Wuzzat, some kinda fertilizer?

*********************************************************

Attachment 62652

Attachment 62653

That bottom one is excellent.

If Santa Clause drops lumps of coal on North Korea, will it violate UN sanctions?

Santa global positioning status: https://www.noradsanta.org/

Yesterday I went to WallyWorld for some last minute stuff. As I'm getting out of GrandCherokee1, a guy and his wife (?) are getting out of their car 2 empty parking spaces away.

The guy takes a couple steps in my direction and says:

"Excuse me, sir?" (btw, do ya get used to that 'sir' shit as ya get older? It still fucks with me.)

I said "Can I help ya?", expecting him to ask for money, or some Xmassy, scammy-type thing.

He says "Boy, I sure hope so. I'll give you a $100 right now if you'll whup my ass so I don't have to go in here (pointing to WallyWorld).

I looked at him for a minute and said "Deal. But, you'll have to wait for me to come back out, I'm sure I'll be ready to fight by the time I get outta there." And then I looked the guy up and down right quick, he's 6 feet tall, 250 lbs if he weighs an ounce, and then I said "I might have to section off a piece of ya to whup on, you a pretty good sized old boy."

He laughed. I laughed. He's funny, I'm funny, we're all pretty fuckin' funny.

Dude's wife came off with the line of the year as far as I'm concerned. She said, without even glancing at the guy:

"If you wanted your ass whupped, you shoulda said something before we left the house."

:drummer:

:lol:

That is fucking priceless. :thumb:

I know exactly what you mean.
A few weeks ago I nipped out for some milk and as I crossed the road to the shop a member of the Ministry of Defence Provost Guard Service was just getting out of his vehicle. (There's a nearby MoD establishment).
So, I nod and wish him good morning and receive a 'good morning, sir' in response.
That took me by surprise as nobody ever calls me 'sir' unless they are attempting to extract money from me.
Proof, I suppose, if proof were needed that decrepitude really has set in. :(

In 1986ish I worked in high street clothing stores, and any male older than me was "sir" (I was late teens) Same age or younger was "mate". Now they are all "sir" even though I am older than many. But I guess I am trying to extract $$ from you....

I've been called "girlie" in certain clothing shops, even in recent years, and it always throws me for a loop.

glatt predicts the future
 

From 2006 friends.

Barring the 2/3, this is true of virtually every president for the last half century.

I feel like running a four-bore, double barrelled shotgun up this day's ass all the way to the collar bone and pulling both triggers. Then, stomp what's left of the skull until flat, and dry. Then, eat this goddamned, motherfucking, son-of-a-bitch of a goddamned day, with hot sauce and shit it over a thousand foot cliff, directly into a coal seam fire, where I hope it burns white hot for the next twelve thousand, nine hundred, eleventy-seven eternities. In the fucking rain.

Yeah, not happy with this day so far. I'm a little miffed.

At around four thousand miles, I'm probably out of range of the 1st Gravdigr Heavy Artillery Regiment, so could I enquire as to what has prompted your miffdom?

That is a good question, but as I am only three thousand miles away, I'll wait for him to answer YOUR question.

This, but change 'day' to 'week'.

I seem to have spent the last three days dealing almost exclusively with dipshits and wankers.



*Imma add to that a short plea to anybody who is willing to listen:

If you have a home insurance policy - please read the details provided in your welcome pack, that set out the various aspects of cover included in your policy. And if you chose to keep down your monthly premiums by selecting a big ass excess/copay in the event of a claim, or by not opting to take the additional lines of cover such as Home Emergency cover, or Accidental Damage to contents - please do not shout at me and call me names when I tell you I have to deduct £400 excess from the settlement for your £500 TV, or that I cannot send out an emergency locksmith to your house, or that there is nothing I can do about the giant paint stain on your brand new sofa.

I did not select your cover. Other people are paying additional premiums for the cover you decided you wouldn't need, have now discovered rather belatedly that you do need, and are raising merry hell and threatening to go to the Ombudsman because you are not being provided with it.

And then when, despite you not having the cover in place, I spend 2 hours liaising with our windows and doors supplier to try and get your non-emergency timescaled appt moved forward - have the decency to thank me for it when I get them to you the next fucking day instead of complaining that I was 'condescending, unsympathetic and didn't understand'.

The previous handler just said they were really sorry but there was nothing they could do without the home emergency cover in place - they would have to go through the standard windows and doors repair process. I could have done the same. I didn't - I tried my hardest to get this woman a better solution and fucking succeeded, but she was still pissed off at me.

Discretion is the better part of valour. :)

Also - while I am at it - I can understand not having your policy number when you call - but not knowing a goddamn thing about the fucking policy is not helpful when I am trying to complete security checks.

There are all sorts of questions I can ask you to comply with data protection questions - only one of them has to be policy related. Don't have you policy number/ That's fine, can you confirm the month your policy is renewed each year? No - ok, can you confirm the name of the broker or bank where you took out the policy? No - ok - do you know what your excess is on the policy? No. ok - ok then can you tell me what kind of policy it is: is it buildings only, contents only, or a combined contents and buildings policy? no.....ok - have you made any previous claims? You'e not sure - you think maybe - but you can't remember what it was for?

well, then we have a problem because I can't discuss a damn thing about your policy or potential claim.

Days like today would get me fired for sure from that type of job. This would be one of those 'mental health' days some companies provide.

*grins*

I do sometimes imagine what it would be like if I actually let out the annoyance I feel on a call.

"Well, actually, I don;t think you do understand, and I find your tone very condescending - you don;t sound sympathetic at all"

"Really, well that's weird, because I was just thinking you sound like a total bitch with anger management issues and a misplaced sense of entitlement, so go figure"

Oh, it's nothing a thousand years and ten gallons of Wild Turkey won't remedy.;)

Just venting, really. I don't frustrate well.

YouTube thumbed me in the eye first thing this morning.

I expect I'll get over it, but, prolly not today.:lol2:

Why aren't there comments on Craigslist? I have so many questions like ... does that mean frying pans are included?....

https://annarbor.craigslist.org/for/...443175319.html

Because it's not fleabay it's a classified ad, you have to conact the seller with questions.

dude, the question was rhetorical. Just for funsies. Did you have to sell your sense of humor to pay your heating bill or something?

Sometimes I think human services is excellent work excepting people.

Yah. My Job would be so easy if it wasn't for the policyholders, brokers, suppliers and underwriters ...

'Good morning, you're through to DanaC in the claims team, could I take your full name please?'

'Joseph'

*blinks*

'Thankyou, and your surname please?'

'Bloggs'

'Thanks. And do you have a policy number or claim reference I can take?'

'No'

'Ok, that's fine, could I take your post code?'

'AA1 1AA'

'Thankyou, and are you calling about an existing claim or to register a new one'

'Well, I don't know - I called last week'

'Right, ok, I can have a look and see if anything was registered'

'Well - I've got a claim number...'


*shoots self in the head*

Anyone who works with, or for, the Great British Public has my undying admiration.

Having 'served' a subset of the public for years in a previous life, the thought of having to deal with them en masse brings me out in a cold sweat. :eek:

You have my sympathy.

Many of the people I speak to are lovely. Most are fine - some are funny, some are heartbreaking, and some you're thankful for only having to be a part of their life of for a few minutes.

Pardon me, I forgot about your fucked up Brit humo(u)r.

Looks like the beginning of a new fad:

To Get Medicaid in Kentucky, Many Will Have to Work. Advocates for the Poor Are Horrified.

Able bodied adults, who don't have State approved mitigating circumstances, will have to work at least part time to get into the State healthcare program and to remain there.

They actually expect people to stop freeloading on their government! Oh those wily Kentuckians.

Yeah, if anyone gave a shit, that might be newsworthy.

It was random, though.

Attachment 62923

Who is he dueling?

No no, DOODLING... ;)

Maybe he's a Yankee Doodling Dandy.

Could be "walk ten paces, turn and fire!" rules in effect.

That's how gunfighters used to train back in the ol' days. They'd stand there while the sun was going down until the angle was just right; then, see if they could outdraw their own shadow. The wait was a grueling ordeal that taxed the nerves and hardened them.

Somewhat related[/notreally]:

I once won a staring contest with my own reflection.

I had an interview today for a 6 month secondment to the customer relations team as a complaints specialist.

Man I hate interviews. This one was at least fairly low stakes because if I don't get it, I'm still doing a job I love.

The worst thing in interviews, are the fucking 'competency based questions'. It doesn't matter how many times you've done this or that, or contributed to the other, when someone asks you to give an example they all vanish from your mind.

Sounds like you know the answers, you just get freaked and lose it because of your lack of self confidence.
C'mon, you ain't no dumb cubical mushroom, you're DOCTOR Dana ferchristsakes.

Only for a moment. I'm pretty good at dragging out some kind of answer.

One of the company values (a set of directives we're supposed to live and breathe) is 'be yourself, be big hearted'

In the interview I was asked: 'what does that mean to you'?

*blinks*

I think I waffled that one a bit til something popped into my head.

What I am quite good at, I think, is reframing that shit to my own purposes. Ask me about a time I 'collaborated on a project or task' and I chose to focus on something a little less nailed down, like the way we are building our new team, and helping the newbies get to grips with the job.

If I don't have something that exactly matches what they're looking for, I can usually find something that speaks to the same set of skills.

Practice your, Hmm, wrinkled brow, maybe fist against the chin, deep thinker pose. :thumb:

How many pot holders do you have?

How could you possibly ever need more than two (2)?

You only have two (2) hands.

What, are you working your feet in there, too?

Okay. That's four, if you're a tigger, or a kangaroo, and can rest/stand on your tail.

What's with all these fucking pot holders?!?!:mad:

How in the fuck am I supposed to know what you are talking about when you yourself have no fucking clue?

You OK there, Grav?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I technically have four potholders, but two are kid-sized.

Some folks use those simple square potholders as trivets.

Y'know...I'm not sure at all sometimes.:p:

Just random venting.

Someone had just used the word 'thing' four times in one sentence. I hate the word 'thing'.

"What's that thing that things on the side of that thing? Yeah, pick me up one of those."

Thank you for your concern.:D

This man is a B-52 of Truth:



KABOOM!!!!!

:devil::devil::devil:

There's a hotel called YurInn in Cancun

In our family, we call them "lifters," not "potholders."
Anyone else?

Oven mitt.

The vet called me.

My cat, Slick's vet.

The vet to the cat that's been dead for three years...

She just wanted to check in. See how I was. Do I have another pet?
















Would I want to get a drink, or have dinner, sometime?

:jig: