Crap. Crap. Crap. I inadvertently bought some juice that contained artificial sweetener.

Artificial sweeteners give me abdominal pain, cramps, and diarrhea.

Crap.

FTFY
(bummer, by the way)

No, really, I'm sorry.

Deleted.
Too specific.

Moaning about school and the conflicts on my time and what I should be achieving.
I do still love it. Just some bits more than others.

Thanks Limey. That'll teach me to be more careful reading the labels.

Thank *you*, Pete, for knowing that I really am sorry. Hugs.

I think I have to finally face the truth. What do you do when a person seems to be really good for you, but then you overhear a conversation elsewhere that floors you. A conversation that makes you feel small. A conversation that makes you sick to your stomach?

When you've invested so much time, thinking one day it would all come together. When they are getting nothing from you why would they play you?

Is it possible that this conversation was for show? Does it matter? The opinions expressed were harsh, painful to hear, nothing like you thought you'd hear, nothing that you'd ever want in a person.

A fool. A fool I was, a fool I am, a fool I shall remain. Then I'll die alone.

Just remember that when someone is two faced, it reflects poorly on them, not on you.

Also, if you trust someone, and they betray you, that doesn't make you a fool.

It hurts now Anon, but at least it's an ending.
Shithead (of whichever gender) is a shithead and you won't hang on hoping, wasting any more time.

You will heal one day.
You can't even help that.

Sorry to hear it's crummy right now though.

Betrayal is harder to bear than any harsh words from a known enemy. I've felt it, and I truly wished I had remained ignorant of the supposed friend's dislike of me. Why wouldn't a person just quietly leave, if that is how they felt? I still don't know.

But I know this. We may not be there in person, but you can't die alone if you have us. There are people here who love you and you are not alone.

On the other hand. My freshman year roommate's girlfriend was overheard to say, at their two-month mark, "yeah he's just another notch on my bedpost."

7 years later, they were married at the school's chapel, and it's 25 years this year.

Thank you.

I might be overreacting. I don't know. I never know when it's time to throw in the towel. I don't seem to have any grasp whatsoever on what a relationship is supposed to be. I've been so pushed around, stepped on, disregarded. I shield myself then when I peek over the shield and start to lower it I get shot in the face. Maybe I'm just scared. Maybe I have no faith. Maybe I'm right and should follow my gut. When do you know, how do you know? I feel like I already took the leap of faith but i want to slide back under the door, because as these things go, it doesn't seem to be moving as I want it to. But if I'm wrong, what have I thrown away? Is it really possible that the past relationships could do this much damage, so much so that you have no idea on earth if you're right or wrong, and don't know if you want to risk it, even with the chance that it really is true and good?

I can push the world away, but when I try to stop pushing I get hurt. So why wouldn't I keep pushing it all away? My track record is crap. History of same-sex friendships and opposite-sex relationships where I am taken advantage of, and used. I can't trust myself.

I don't know. On the one hand, I think that you shouldn't push the world away, because that sounds exhausting and lonely, and no way to live your life. But on the other hand if a cold hard look at your past relationships shows that you are a poor judge of character, then I can understand your lack of confidence there. And I'd hate to tell you to go running with open arms into another bad relationship.

Is there a middle path where you can just take it slow and keep an open mind and heart?

I think I've been on the middle path, a couple of years now, taking it slow and trying to keep an open mind and heart...yet I am acutely aware of anything that seems a sign of 'same old...' Things are at once sluggish and amplified.

Before that, between 'that' and 'that', was a very exhausting and lonely time.

Maybe I need to step back and keep the open mind and heart. Sometimes that's exhausting too.

Thank you.

I was with a man once who (I found out later) used to say we were 'just friends', particularly when he was trying to chat up another woman. Later, he would say the same about his current g/f when I questioned him about his relationship, but when I asked her, she'd say they were in love and blah blah blah.

He's continued to do the same thing to his own detriment for the last 20 years. I don't think he's likely to stop.

People who don't value what they have, probably should take a good look at themselves, and you anon, should certainly not think it has anything to do with you.

Also i'd point out that Liz Hurley was quoted as saying Shane Warne was 'just a bit of rough' when they were first caught by the paparazzi, but now they're engaged and all that, so sometimes there is a reason for saying negative things (although few and far between).

Have you confronted your partner about what you heard? That'd be a great place to start with sorting this out if you haven't already.

Thanks again, everyone.

I want to say that it wasn't anything directed at me. It was a general difference in philosophies that for my own personal reasons struck me as awful.

I need to look at the big picture. Maybe one day I will talk about it. It will be a difficult conversation to have.

I don't need to make any rash decisions.

Thanx..

Sounds like you have a better handle on the situation now Anon. Hope it works out. *hugs*

**Really?** "You're sorry"? Cause, ew.

A friend who has been fighting colon cancer for the last few years is just about at the end of her journey. She'll be leaving behind her two boys, ages 9 and 12. Friends with, and same age as our kids. I've known this is coming for a while, but it still sucks.

Fuck cancer.

I'm very sorry for you all glatt. It must be so hard for her kids. They're going to need you all so much. xx

fuck cancer

sorry, glatt, cancer is the nastiest, cruelest thing.

There must have been some significant change in labelling laws. You used to be able to count on the artificial sweetener announcement on the front of the label, now it's not only on the back, but buried so far down in the ingredients list that you can't find it, or can't figure out what's what in the list of awful chemicals. I have a similar sensitivity to Nutrasweet/Aspertame, Saccharhin, and Acesulfame K. I can tolerate Splenda/Sucralose and Stevia, but I think they taste funky. I've done the same thing and regretted it for several hours.

Sorry glatt.

I'm so sorry, glatt. My dad lost his mother to colon cancer when he was 12. Definitely changed his outlook on life. It breaks my heart to think of those two boys.

...He also lost his older brother to colon cancer some 25 years later. This one's highly heritable, I hope the kids remember to start getting regular colonoscopies at 30 so their own kids don't risk going through the same thing.

Sorry glatt. :(

fucking fuck cancer

fuck cancer

FC, G

That's been the saddest part of all this. These two boys have changed over the last couple years from being typical silly boys to being way too serious.

Some parts of this I don't understand. She and her husband seemed to have a really solid relationship. Both are a couple of great people. But right after she got the diagnosis, she divorced him. Amicably, apparently. He's still around and they go to things like back to school night together. So they are still somewhat of a team. But I guess she just didn't want to spend her remaining time with him. So the boys are living with her in the family house, and after she dies, they will be with him. I don't know if they will move, or if he will just move back into the house he used to live in. It's all a little weird. So for these boys, there will be that additional change. Basically switching parents. Hopefully they will stay in the same house. There's a huge support network for this family here.

So I don't understand some of her decisions, but I guess having cancer clarifies some things.

It could be a financial decision, to protect the family assets from anticipated hospital charges.

Perhaps they were having issues and she/he/they decided that was the best thing to do. Sometimes in these situations, the pain and stress of watching those one cares for going through is overwhelming. Perhaps she needed to just focus on her situation and not him. There are many reasons why marriages end after one partner finds out they have a terminal illness. The statistics I've seen on marriages dissolving after a TBI are well over 80%.**
**I don't know how that number transfers to cancer, but I assume it must be similar.

That's a good point.

I'm sorry, glatt.

An old school friend of mine had a tumor the size of a pool ball removed from his head two days ago. It was cancerous, so now he has to go through radiation etc.

It fucking sux. This is on top of my aunt having a boob chopped off last week, and another aunt having a lump discovered in her throat which is being ent'd today (being assessed by an ear, nose and throat specialist I should have said). Results pending.

One of the local boys around here is still in a coma after being in a terrible head on collision on new years day and the doctors are starting to suggest that they need to 'think about his wishes', and that's never a good phrase to hear.

I feel like there's just been a shitstorm of shitful things happen around me lately. So much so that I'm starting to get really paranoid about something going wrong with this baby. I'm no spring chicken. chances of health issues for me or the baby are way high this time around.

God I'm a fucking pussy sometimes. I just can't stop crying now. :(

Oh my.. .. .. So very sorry Ali. Seems to come all at once, doesn't it.
Hang in there. (((Hugs)))

It does Classic. I'll be ok though. Just a moment of weakness. We all have them from time to time. :) Thanks.

Sorry Ali. FC

Hugs, Ali!


Sent by thought transference

My mood has hit the deck. Really missing my Pilaudog. Much as I look forward to Carrot, I'd sell my soul to have Pil back here with me now.

And she passed away yesterday afternoon.

sucky suck suckful.

I'm sorry glatt.

Ach glatt, so sorry.

Seems to be everywhere right now. J was in Hastings yesterday for Romy's funeral. The friend I mentioned a little while agio as having cancer. She was his dad's ex, mother of his half sister. And the other family friend who died about three years ago of cancer was her best friend and former lodger.

Meanwhile J's stepmum has just lost both parents within a few days of each other.

It was so sad. Her dad was slipping away and they'd been told it would be within a couple of days. So, she was supposed to be travelling down to be with her mum and say goodbye to her Dad. They'd talked about her mum moving up North to be nearer once he'd gone.

Next day, as Mandy and Les were preparing to set off they received word that her Mum had been rushed into hospital with a suspected appendicitis. A few hours later she was dead. It had been a burst bowel and she died on the operating table.

The only consolation in the end was that, with her Dad unconscious, neither parent had to experience losing the other.

Poor Jude is shellshocked with it all. He loved Romy, she was a big part of his life, particularly as a teenager. Losing Ronnie a few years ago hit him hard too, she was a good friend. And Mandy's parents were effectively his grandparents from the age of 11. And losing Pilau had also floored him. His Dad had a heart attack last year which scared the shit out of everyone.

I was talking to him the other day and he just seemed slightly punch drunk.

Glatt, Dana - so sorry you're going through the mill.



Sent by thought transference

Damn !!!

sorry all.

I have just had another friend tell me they've got a tumour in their brain and are having chemo. That's two people with brain tumours at the same time. Plus my aunt with breast cancer, and an uncle who's heading for a nursing home with alzhiemers.

I'm am so fucking sick of getting bad news. Every single day this last week, someone has told me something that alone would be enough to upset me.

Enough is a fucking nuff.

Ach damn, Ali, that's rough. Cyberhugs chika.

Yep, sucks Dana. Thanks.

So sorry, Ali. The nice thing about brain tumors is they're generally pain-free (although chemo sucks no matter what kind of cancer it's treating.) I had a friend in college get treated for a brain tumor, and ultimately it went into remission and he's alive and fine today. I hope things work out the same for your friends.

I saw one of them yesterday. You all may remember I've mentioned the car accident I attended a couple of years ago and how I've remained friends with the man I helped? Well it's that man. the tumour has been caused by the accident or the plates in his head. The doctors don't really know.

He's been taking oral chemo for about a year now, and it has shrunk somewhat, but still too large to operate on. They say maybe down the track.

So anyway, yesterday we sat down for a chat, and it turns out I'm the first person he's told about this. He's known for more than a year and hasn't told a soul because he feels he's put his friends and family through enough with the accident.

Anyway, I suggested that he needs to tell his family if no one else because if it does all go balls up, they're going to feel terrible that they didn't spend as much time as they could with him etc. He said he's going to start by telling his mother (who's in her 70's) and then probably his older sons and see how that goes.

At least I can help him more now.

All things considered, that good advice Ali.

What a downer thread. I know, whatever.

Ali, I agree that he could make things easier for himself, and ultimately for the others around him if he were to share his knowledge of things. Not easy by itself but easier and better in the long run. Tough... so sorry.

Dana, I got nothing but sharing the sorrow of your story. Terrible.

glatt, that is sad, and a monumental lifetime marker. But this can be the point (upon reflection) at which things begin/began to get better. This has been anticipated, though dreaded, but still isn't really a surprise. I hope their shock and sadness is processed as soon and as safely as possible.

***

There's a story in the news here, well, in the national news too. Here's a link to the local paper's coverage, but CNN, Fox, it's everywhere.

It appears as though the biological father, Josh Powell, killed himself and his two young sons. This story is a long and ugly one, and I don't care to restate the whole sordid bullshit now. But the thought that this dad would let his kids into the house, block the entry of the social worker and then blow up the house.. fucking fuck.

I know they call it "murder-suicide". I wish it were "suicide-oh well".

or in this case - "Suicide - Yay"!

From what I read, the social worker is completely traumatized. It was supposed to be a supervised visit for this very reason, the dad was nutzo. She let the kids run ahead of her, they got to the door before she did, and he locked her out. Then she had to watch the house blow up. One imagines the children were not silent through this horrific ordeal, either. That's the kind of guilt you never recover from. On the other hand, I really don't think she could have stopped him, at best she would have been inside with the kids when the whole place went up in flames.

and to make it even worse (if possible)
Officials: Powell children had head and neck wounds, hatchet found nearby
The preliminary autopsy results of Josh Powell and his two sons show that they suffered from carbon monoxide poisoning,
and the boys also suffered from other injuries.

Poor little buggers. What a fucking awful thing to happen.

Reading that article it sounds like Powell's father was a fucking nutjob as well.

Gods, how awful must the Grandparents feel? Persuading them to go for their visit when they just wantesd to stay and play. To do the 'right thing' like that and have it turn into this. My God that would never leave you.

Heart wrenching interview with the grandparents, here.

you can get that on a swim cap, apparently

Attachment 37242

The doctor at my local clinic barely speaks English, so I'm having trouble understanding what I'm supposed to be doing re booking myself into a hospital and arranging for scans for this baby. Over the last few days I've spoken with two hospitals, both of which haven't received a referral from this doctor but whom my doctor claims to have sent the forms to.

I've made an appointment tomorrow at my GP, so I'm going to let them have it. I'm fucking sick of it. If you want to work in the health care profession, please learn to speak the common language of the country you're trying to work in!!!

eta: I'm going to chat with some of my local friends and see if anyone knows of a doc who speaks English and might look after me through this pregnancy.

congratulations for the baby!

and i don't know about australia but in many countries you have to take a written test for the local language in order for your diploma's to apply, so... have you considered communication via text?

lol nope. I think I'd rather just find a doctor who speaks english so I can explain what happened during my last pregnancy in order to get the best care possible. It's not that I have a problem with people with strong accents or who don't speak the language 100%, it's just that I consider my health to be pretty important, and if I don't feel I'm being understood, or if I can't understand what's being said to me, there's a problem, and being pregnant, I only have a limited time frame to work with. ;)