Yes, head up shoulders back. Take care of today's business today. I love her but now I know to just expect lies and more lies.

When he beats her - and he will, and blame it on his 'PTSD' and 'nerves', I will help her. But for now I've been relegated to the status of after-the-fact onlooker.

ptsd is not a valid defense in domestic violence. in the state where i live, if an officers sees evidence of an assault or has a statement within 24 hours of the event, he must make an arrest without a warrant.

not all with ptsd are violent, some present with hyper vigilance and ocd behavior

I'm not gonna have the money to pay my rent.

will they let you make a late payment?

First; Orthodoc. Wow. what a punch in the neck from the outfield. You can do NOTHING to stop this, any attempt will glue her even more to him. I know you know this but sometimes, when in crisis, we forget the things we can and cannot control. if you really want to fuck this guy up video tape him doing his martial arts/cage fights (wha..?) and send them to Social Security. they'd LOVE to drop the frauds, especially now. Without that check your daughter might come 'round; or hate you forever. I don't know. My younger sister married a schizo-type, conspiracy theorist who can't get along with anyone long enough to hold a job (they're all after him) so he delivers newspapers which is a job he can do alone and at night. She's been married to him for like, 22 years now. They understand one another though no one else on earth does.

@Moar----parents give you a loan? a pal? anyone? It takes a LOT to evict someone---maybe the landlord will give you a break?
My dad's been a landlord since 1964----it's a PITA to evict someone; footwork, paperwork, maybe involve lawyers....see if he'll work with you.

I'd love to report this guy to Social Security but don't know if it can be done anonymously. If not, she'll hate me forever. Her father and I are already being set up as the evil parents who disapprove of everything.

you most certainly can do it anonymously.

call your local office.

Thanks. His FB page alone has enough to hang him out to dry. Thanks.

you can report anonymously. they used to have a fraud hot line.

OMG! He's got the balls to have a FB page showcasing his prowess whilst cashing checks? Oh, honey, if it weren't so stupid it would be funny. Really?

REALLY? I worked for a company that regularly employed PI's (detectives) to prove their claims were false. ss really frowns on that shit.

Really. Unbelievably stupid, I know. Arrogant asshole. People get away with this stuff because there are so many of them, ss can't keep up.

They taped some dude collecting disability checks for his broken too hard to work back issues. He was doing snatches.

He was all over the papers. So he got busted for his disability and shamed for the rest of society.

I laughed and I laughed.

No reason to not turn him in. You're not helping your daughter or anyone.

For example, those of us who pay taxes? We no likey fraud fuckin' pieces of shit.

What his name?

Send his info to one of us. We can drop the dime on him.

Ortho...it seems like your daughter is going through a bit of a change in her thinking. You're probably right to it down to the influence of this fellow she's with. Sounds remarkably like my behaviour as a late teen/early 20 something.

To be honest, I know now that I was reacting to my over protective parents. In the way that until I was finished high school, I wasn't allowed to do anything, and i mean ANYTHING. No parties, no going anywhere with friends except occasionally to the shops in town. No learning how to be sensible about taking care of myself. All of a sudden, I finished school and my father said, "Ok, you're in charge now, so off you go. Just let us know if you're going to be home late."

Boy did I fuck my life up. In a big way.

Anyway, I guess things have turned out ok in the end, but holy hell it's been a hard road, and still is to some extent because I have to now explain my own stupid choices to my own teenage kids and try to explain how differently I've done things.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that she's where she is for reasons she probably doesn't even understand yet. She'll get there in the end thanks to the ground work you and your husband have put in. I know it's impossible not to, but don't blame yourself too much. Just remember that you were doing the best you could and every decision you ever made for her was meant to help her. I've no doubt she'll get her shit together sooner or later, but it will probably have to hit rock bottom with this bloke before she does. Just try and be prepared for the rocky road you know is coming. xxx

mtp, did you work something out about your rent yet?

Thanks, guys - I appreciate the offer to drop the dime on this guy, but I'm leery of having it happen too close to the time my daughter told me this ... she'll never believe it wasn't me (and it would be, indirectly). But don't worry, I will follow through on it. Just not tonight.

Thank you all for your encouragement. I appreciate your perspective, Ali. I know exactly what you mean - I was not permitted to do anything, not date, nothing, in high school - and then made some major mistakes mostly through utter naiveté once I went to university. Ouch. But my dd had a bf in high school, she dated, had friends she went out with, went to the prom, did marching band (with trips and band camp) ... and had a year at university about 90 minutes from our town before heading across the country to 'follow her dream'. I'm just so confused. It has to be the influence of this guy. He's a classic too-intense-too-soon isolating control freak. He's good - she thinks all this stuff is her own idea. I guess - as long as he doesn't actually kill her - she will have to hit rock bottom. The problem is children. I see her getting pregnant (I fully expect that she already is, and this is just one more 'little' thing she's not mentioning) and then, even if she manages to leave him, she'll never be rid of him once children are involved. And this will put the lid on her career aspirations. But maybe there never were any.

I worked so hard to go to university and follow my dream. My parents weren't at all supportive, in theory or financially. I became obsessive about taking care of details because one mistake would land me on the street. I didn't think I'd coddled my kids; but every young person is different. Two of my sons are hard workers, organizers, planners, meticulous and goal-oriented. My second son, and my daughter, don't operate that way. They all grew up in the same household. I guess nature trumps nurture in the end.

I'm still numb. I fell off my diet and bought wine and tiramisu. Probably skip the tiramisu and drink the wine.

It wouldn't be so hard, but she's my only daughter and we've been so close - I thought we were so close - all these years. Rode horses together, spent so much time together, I thought I knew her. So to not be worth a phone call feels bad. Time to open the wine.

Yeah...sounds a little like I was at that age too. I was fortunate in that whilst J was as screwed up as I was when we met at 18 he grew up into a lovely man.

Tell you what though: thinking back to the kind of all in mentality I had at that time, the sudden cessation of welfare would not have forced me out of there. In your daughter's situation, at that age I'd have followed the guy down into penury and instability.

I'd be very cautious of intervening in any way with their domestic setup, regardless of how anonymous it is.

That's good advice. Trying to make her feel supported enough that she wouldn't do something like this has totally failed; I don't want to drive her farther away. Just have to step way, way back and let events unfold. Hard to lose a daughter. And if she's pregnant ... I can't bear to think what will happen to that child. I have already buried one granddaughter. What would be even worse would be to watch a grandchild growing up in an untenable situation.

...

friend. You're not losing a daughter, you're gaining an adult. Well, what you're watching from your distance is an adult in the making. Too soon to find out if this particular round of life lessons will have a lasting positive effect, sometimes a makeup exam is in order, sometimes more than one. But this is an experience lesson, not a tell lesson, not a show lesson. You have done your best, you must know that. You have more work to do, and it will be hard. Hard to watch your kids suffer the slings and arrows etc, etc. But that's what sticks, that's what leaves a mark to remind them...well, that didn't work out so well last time, I think I'll xyz instead.

on top of which, you can't change it for the better at this late date anyhow. I suffer along with you though, as all your friends who also parents suffer. Pass the wine, willya?

eta: A couple thoughts I've posted before. first, you've done your best, now you get to watch your work take effect:

second, about the three kinds of lessons:

I know this is a 'discovery' type lesson; she's chosen that. The stakes and cost of failure are high, though. She's changed the odds of being able to support herself independently in a career she loves from being generally in her favor to being very much against her. She could be that rare exception but most of us aren't. She's also put herself in the position of not being able to walk away from a bad relationship and know she can support herself. And, once children are involved, her chance of crafting a life that includes all the elements important to her virtually disappears when the father is an immature asshat who indulges his imaginary 'PTSD' and 'nerves' at the slightest excuse.

But these are her choices. You don't get do-overs in the big stuff; she's permanently trashing her career options in that industry. Watching that happen, watching her set a match to her own dreams, is hard. Watching the asshat manipulate her for his own narcissistic benefit is hard. But watching is all I can do right now.

It is also possible that the arrival of a baby will be a catalyst for growing up. For either of them. He may pull his socks up whne he's faced with the responsibility of fatherhood. She may lose patience with his lack of maturity and responsiblity when she is a mother.

And she has a supportive family who would be there for her should she choose to walk away from the guy. Not a wealthy family who will sort her out totally, but help and kindness and small assistance.

My parents are going to pay. It sucks to owe them, but if you don't have a choice, well you just don't have a choice. I may end up borrowing from my brother or nanny because my parents are far from well off themselves, but hopefully not. Speaking of my nan....I'm gonna call her.

That's a relief, mtp.

I''m glad you're getting some help.

Oh O This is my niece's story / life detour. So sorry you are directly along for the ride. :( She got her head out of her ass and was only married less days than Kim Kardashian but she has a baby now and maybe life experience that has made her smarter.
This has to hurt you like heck! :hug:

MTP oh crap :(

Here is my whine >first cow calved >twins born dead :sniff:

Aw, poor cows. I'm sorry that that happened, death is never easy to deal with even if it is "just" a cow.

Sorry to hear that, Nirvana. How sad, and a sobering start to the season ... here's hoping all goes well from here on in.

Thanks for the hug. :) Yes, it's going to take some painful life experience. Just hope innocent children don't get hurt as well.

mtp glad you have family to offer support. Hope things turn around for you.

i'm so sorry Nirvana. how awful & sad.

Sorry to hear your bad news Nirvana. :(

I wonder if a new thread called "What's upsetting you but isn't so terrible that it will really bring everyone else down?" is in order?

Oh 'vana, how sad.

I think that's pretty much covered by the 'what's mildly irritating you today' thread.

I'm getting to where I don't want to watch the news or read the papers. The constant, never-ending assault on the poorest and most vulnerable members of our society is depressing. False economy initiatives. Cruelty for the purpose of an ideological redrawing of the nation. Got halfway through reading an article about the changes in care provision for people with disabilities and had to stop reading. It just makes me want to smash shit up and that isn't a nice feeling.

Dana, you've got to stop reading news the about our Republican Party.
Stick to G.B., or Canada, or Greece, or Samoli, or the Vatican, or ...

Wasn't talking about your republican party. This is what is happening over here.

Yeah. But Nirvana's news made me rethink this thread. Sometimes it's What's Upsetting Me and Will Upset You Too.

Yes, I know...

Next time I'll add a :rolleyes:

I agree and we have almost 4 years left.

I learned my little Addie is in the hospital. Her mother didn't tell me, the "new daddy" told me. I have only seen Addie twice since mid December. The first time was when I was "allowed" to give Addie her Christmas presents from me & the kids, plus Sundae. The last time was at Chik-fil-a when I completed her mother's tax returns. Yes, that's right. In order to see my daughter, I had to do her mother's taxes.

My immune system is low, but I'm going to the hospital to see my baby tomorrow. If anybody tries to stop me by God, they are going to see an old panda turn into King Kong.

Good luck, Sarge. What ails her?

dehydration due to ????? her new daddy didn't know and her mother won't answer the phone

Don't do anything that can be used against you.

Ach damn, Sarge, that's a worry. Stay calm honey. And I hope your baby girl is fighting fit soon.

Damn Sarge, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Sarge. What Zen said ... but also, maybe some legal advice regarding your right to see Addie (not just in the hospital)? I don't know your situation but some advice couldn't be a bad idea. If there's a law school in your town, try the Family Law clinic. The final year students will put time and research into it and they're supervised by a faculty member.

in mississippi, a custody agreement violation cannot be addressed by law enforcement until the matter goes before a chancery court judge. in other words unless you can prove the child is in imminent danger, you must file a motion with the chancery clerk and wait to be put on the docket. however if i don't pay child support, all she has to do is call department of human services and they will take over and do everything for her! there are several legal precedents in mississippi where the mother knowingly and willfuly witheld visitations, yet the father was still required to pay child support.

let's face the facts, the bitch can get away with just about anything and i have to wait for my complaint to be put on a crowded court docket. for the initial custody, it only took 18+ months and cost well over $5,000 dollars. i'm screwed. i should have been castrated for ever hooking up with a girl who is 3 years younger than my son

Get on the docket. Get the law students to help you, tell them how sick you are. Let them figure out if any way exists to get you bumped up the line due to medical hardship. And if there's a way to hold her accountable legally for your mental and emotional distress at her withholding visitation deliberately when you're seriously ill, let the law clinic figure it out. Or just have her penalized for breaking the custody agreement ... you could have a precedent set that would protect other fathers. The beauty of it is that law students would jump on something like that and do the work for free.

Just ideas, I'm sorry you're in this situation - but give it some thought.

She has blown the custody agreement out of the water. #1 There is to be no tobacco usage in the presence of Addie. She's smoking like a chimney & he's dipping left & right. #2 There is to be no alcohol consumed in the presence of Addie. She & Jay have Addie fetching beers out of the fridge for them. #3 There are to be no overnight romantic guests. She is shacked up with him. She even listed his address as her permanent address on her income tax. #4 She is to carry primary insurance on Addie. She never has, I provide the only insurance for Addie. #5 She prevented me from seeing Addie at Christmas when the court order expressly orders I am to have Addie from Dec 20 - 25th at noon (even years)

Yes, I am livid or seething or whatever verb you might want to use to express being extremely pissed off.

Can you use the "in imminent danger" from her violation of the smoking agreement, afterall your child is in the hospital with unknown ailments. How are you to know its not from the second hand smoke? If you go to a lawyer/school whatever tell them she is in the hospital. Might light a fire under them.
No idea, but just thought of it.

Sorry you have to go through this, no parent that WANTS to be part of thier childs life should not get the chance to. Your EX is really hurting herself in later years, Addie is not dumb, she will see through it all when she gets older. :)

Go see your little girl Sarge.

Stop at the nurse's station first and ask about her, what's happening with her. Be a panda. Leave King Kong in the parking lot, he can be called in whenever you need him, but don't let him lead your visit.

Don't be a jerk, don't call attention to yourself, don't get freaked out. Seeing her will make you feel better, and make her feel better too. Finding out what the heck's going on will too, but that comes from the doctors and nurses. Don't sneak, Addie will reveal you eventually. Just go see her, find out what's going on. Be cool.

For what it's worth, Sarge, if she withholds visitation again at a time clearly specified as yours (not just agreed to verbally,) you can call the cops for custodial interference--i.e. kidnapping. Just keep a copy of your custody order in your car at all times so you'll be ready to present it upon request. Obviously this will escalate things, so you have to decide if you're prepared for that, but you do NOT have to wait to get on a docket if she is refusing visitation.

Keeping your documents with you DOES help.

I recently had a long standing problem in this area resolved by virtue of showing my copy of my documentation to the person who said he was unable to help me. After seeing what the court said, and showing it to his supervisor, I got what I was entitled to. My copies of the facts trumped what was in their system, and the obstruction by the other party was overcome.

Noncustodial interference is a felony in MS. Officers refuse to act on a custody agreement. They will only intervene if the court issues an order. That is standard throughout our state now. I even had it written in my policy & procedures matter at the PD.

Last time I was called out on one of these, it was the grandparents witholding a child from their own daughter. Grandmother was arrested after a brief barricade situation. The grandfather then attempted suicide and I had to shoot him with a taser.

Sound advice from all. I called her other grandfather and he arranged for me to talk to Addie on the phone while the wicked ex had run home to take a shower. I feel better. I won't go to the hospital and risk a confrontation aroud Addie. BTW, Addie has a stomach virus and had become dehydrated.

Please don't take offense if I seem snippy about what can be done with custody. Every state & even jurisdiction is different. Our local agencies refuse to get involved. The reasoning is the status of the custody agreement. Has it been modified or changed and we are only seeing one that is favorable to that parent? Also there is tremendous liability if an officer screws up and gives the child to the wrong parent. The officer then could be charged with infringement of civil rights or evan custodial interference

you're not snippy. and I'm no expert at the law, certainly not in some other jurisdiction. I am a veteran parent and an experienced divorcee. I am also your friend.

You do what you gotta do man.

Thank you to all for the good advice. I'm becoming agitated and I know I need to take meds and chill out.

OMG. So sorry Sarge.
And you went through this while I was sleeping.

Pretty much everyone here has more experience in these situations than I do.
All I can offer is silent love and supoort. In that respect at least, consider it done.

^wss.

my heart goes out to you and Addie.

Why do people have to be suck fucks?

Today is my mom's 49th birthday.

She's been in and out of the doctor's, lately -- every test under the sun. She's been losing incredible amounts of weight -- she's now down to 116 lbs, what she weighed as an 18 year old. She told me today that they found something "abnormal" with her kidneys. She gets results on Thursday.

I haven't been able to see her since last spring, and she has yet to meet her granddaughter.

Prayers, positive energy, good wishes, happy vibes -- whatever you've got in your arsenal -- greatly appreciated.

I hope they find out soon what is ailing your mom Choc.

What I got you're welcome to have.
I think Dads is down to his lowest weight since puberty. No-one seems concerned 'cept Mum & me.

All my love and wishes.

Sending prayers and good wishes, Choco.