Zap! There is no evil in the world. Unfortunately you aren't here to enjoy the pristine planet without a single human to be found.


I wish I had more time to enjoy my boys.

You gain an extra 5 minutes to enjoy your boys as the police mistakenly go to the wrong house first.

I wish I could have a rational conversation with people about politics.

You have dozens of trenchant conversations each day for the rest of your life. Welcome to the nuthouse.

I wish I could tell which Presidential candidate would be good for the country.

You know with absolute prescient certainty which candidate will do the best job.
They lose.

I wish I could sleep for longer than 2 hours at a time.

You sleep longer, much longer, and wake up 20 years later with Prince Charming's tongue in your mouth.

I wish I could figure out which process is flooding the swap space on my Debian server.

You find out to your horror it was a small part of a world-wide DDOS attack by a group of script kiddies.

I wish that Dwayne Johnson would be in a great, great movie that surpasses Arnold in Terminator 2 as best performance by an athlete.

Poof! The Tooth Fairy is a block buster hit but much to your consternation, Dwayne has a penchant for the same sex.

I wish people would stop littering the highways.

Kazzam! You wake up in the morning to find that you are the last human being on earth and there is nobody to litter the highways ever again.....

I wish my student loans/grants were higher.

Your students loans are much higher, much much higher, but it's because they keep bogarting your weed, leaving you dry, with no way to pass philosophy.

I wish someone (other than me) would tell my wife about the upcoming holiday, "Steak and BJ Day".

Your wife finds out about Steak and BJ day, but, misunderstanding what that day is about, takes you to a Steakhouse whose entertainment is an old guy who does BJ Thomas cover songs.

I wish I could fly like an eagle.

You can fly like an eagle, but Steve Miller sues you for copyright infringement.

I wish I could get a full nights sleep.

You need someone to suck that insomnia out of you. ;)

You can't get a good nights sleep because the people in the motel room beside you are having a three way, and all you can hear is "In the ass, in the ass...while Pink Floyd is singing Comfortably Numb cranked to the tits.

I wish I was 29 again....

You are 29 again... 29 days.


I wish it would be under 100 degrees outside today.