and you are assuming way too much. :right:

I am slipping, mea culpa mea culpa. I usually have my finger on the pulse of the tawdry world of the rich and famous. I must be working too much.;)

I'll be seeing my dentist soon so i can get caught up w/ People mag.

ok this is the humor thread...so back on topic...

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed,
on her bed.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any
Idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't
care, what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the
doctor says that
Not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old
ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

CUTE

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged crawler), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go

Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box...........





"I heard you the first time pal !! Give me a break.........I'm putting my fu**ing shoes on."

Gasman calls at a house, but the owner is out. However owner has a parrot, but parrot only knows one phrase.

Gasman knocks at door. Parrot answers: 'Who is it?'

Gasman says: 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter.'

Parrot answers: 'Who is it?'

Gasman repeats: 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter!'

Parrot again: 'Who is it?'

Gasman repeats: 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter!'

Parrot: 'Who is it?'

Gasman: 'It's the gasman - come to read the meter!!!'

This goes on for some time the gasman getting more and more stressed, to the extent that, being unfit and having high cholesterol, he suffers a sudden heart attack, collapses on the doorstep and dies.

Eventually, the owner comes home to find the body. He checks it over for a pulse, can find none and says out loud but to himself: 'My god, he's dead, but who is it?'

'It's the gasman - come to read the meter.' says the parrot...

Oh my god -- I watched that exact episode of The Electric Company (Heeeey you guys!) curtesy of NetFlix last night when I was working out! 'cept it was the plumber, and he was there to fix the sink...

Yeah. They played that thing on Electric Company at least every other episode. It was always on.

Growing up my dad would take us or any combination of us & cousins camping. He always had trucks so we'd sit in the back and take turns telling jokes and storys. We'd have to scream at the top of our lungs to be heard. That joke was one of our consistent favorites. Except it was the plumber too.


-----------------------------------------------------------------

Wonder what Mark Hamell is up to these days?
http://www.supyo.com/home/crazypics/...her%20fire.jpg

A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, "Pray, which leg comes after which?"
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.

Ref Gasman/Plumber vs Parrot:

You just can't keep a good joke down - dates from my schooldays - probably c.1962...!! Was definitely a gasman in those days!

Sorry, but you have to accept that only the long-term memory holds out in the end....

From the same period (tell me if you want it in full) is the one about the guy who paints his budgie blue

As Promised Chris Terrill's (previous fiance to Heather Mills) open letter to Macca in the Sunday Times

Here on the other side of the big pond visits from the Gasman are rare, and the plumber frequent.

Most often the only interaction one has with the utility companies (gas/water/electric) is when they come to read the meter ... which no longer involves an invasion of your home ... meters are either outdoors or electronically monitored.

Sure. :D

Guy goes into a paint shop and walks up to the salesman: 'Can I have a small pot of blue paint, please?', he asks.

Salesman asks: ' What shade, sir?'

The guy's not sure: 'What shades are there?' he asks

The salesman reels off loads of names of different shades of blue: sky blue, azure blue, midnight blue, aquamarine. etc, etc.

The Guy is confused and still can't make up his mind, so the salesman says: 'Look. Maybe I can help. What exactly are you going to paint?'

The guy replies quite nonchalantly:' It's to paint my budgie.'

The salesman is gobsmacked: 'What!?' he exclaims. 'You can't do that. That will do the bird no good at all - in fact it will most likely kill it!'

'No it won't,' replies the guy, 'my budgie was originally yellow, but after about six months I got fed up with yellow and so I painted it green. Now it's been green for six months and I'm getting bored with that so I thought I'd paint him blue instead.'

The salesman is still not sure but after a lot of back and forth arguing he decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and sells him a small pot of duck egg blue paint, feeling that this is probably as good a shade as any to use.

Three months go by and then the guy turns up in the paint shop again, he goes up to the salesman and asks for a small pot of red paint. The salesman is a bit wary: 'Is this for the budgie again?' he asks.

'Don't be silly,' says the guy, 'whoever heard of a red budgie. Anyway my budgie died.'

'There you are, told you so,' says the saleman. 'Told you that painting it blue would kill it!'

'Oh no,' says the guy. 'It wasn't painting it blue that killed it, it was getting the green off with the blowtorch.'

hahahahhaha ahahahha hohohoho!! good one!

I'm not sorry I asked. :thumb2:

Sorry ladies - I'm only the messenger, not the originators....

TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR

Recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
(David Bissonette)

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
(Sacha Guitry)

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
(Hemant Joshi)

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
(Socrates)

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
(Dumas)

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
(Sigmund Freud)

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
(Anonymous)

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
(Henry Youngman)

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
(Sam Kinison)

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
(James Holt McGavran)

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
(Patrick Murray)

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
(Nash)

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
(Anonymous)

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
(Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
(Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
(Milton Berle)

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
(Anonymous)

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
(Anonymous)

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

+++

A woman standing in the check out line at the grocery store places


a half-gallon of 2% milk,


a dozen eggs,


a quart of orange juice,


a head of romaine lettuce,


a 2 lb. can of coffee,


and a 1 lb. package of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.


She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Donkey Story

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back, and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

A drunken man walks into a bar.

The bartender sees that he is already 5 sheets to the wind, and proceeds to inform the man,
"I'm sorry sir, but you will have to leave. We don't serve anyone that drunk in this bar."

The man scowls at the bartender, but stumbles out anyway.

Not 15 minutes later, the drunk stumbles back in the bar.

So the bartender, slightly annoyed at this point, tells the man the same thing he did before.

This time the drunk starts cussing profusely and refuses to leave. But when the bouncer comes over and tells the man to leave, he finally obliges.

About 30 minutes later, the same drunk comes through the door again!

The bartender is really pissed now. So he yells at the drunk to leave, because "we don't serve drunks here!"

Baffled and angry, the drunk says "Damn! How many bars do you work at?!?"

Esther and Sally, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Esther says," Sally, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sally agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sally. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells,
"Yoo hoo, Esther, he's single."
:rolleyes:

Bruce and BigV are having a debate about the depth of large hole they find in the ground. They can't see the bottom and both are speculating pointlessly. Bruce suggests they drop a pebble down the hole and count how long it takes till it hits bottom.

They drop a pebble down and wait a while, but no sound comes back.

"We need a bigger rock." offers BigV. They drop a basketball sized stone down the hole, and wait and wait and still, no sound.

Bruce and BigV look at one another and say "wow, that is a deep hole. We need to find a really huge rock so it makes a loud enough noise for us to hear."

They search around a while and can't find a rock, but they do find a railroad tie, so they drag it over to the hole and shove it in. They stand watching it for a bit when all of a sudden a goat comes leaping out of the bushes and charges straight at them. They both jump out of the way and the goat dives head first into the hole.

They look at each other and say "Holy shit! did you see that? That was some weird ass shit, just then. That goat charged us and then dove into the hole."

They decide to leave the hole alone, and begin to walk away.

Just then, Griff walks up and says "hey guys, did you see a goat around here?"

"Well, yeah. This goat just attacked us then jumped in that hole over there." Said Bruce.

"It couldn't have been my goat." said Griff, "My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

LOL!

A group of retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.
To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. But no one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept in Daryl's room and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,"Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Whoa, bad night? You look awful!" He said, "Geez, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Wow, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

http://www.alltooflat.com/funny/jokes/jokes.php

All the jokes you could ever want.

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Okay then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him"?
Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer says.
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." Kenny said.
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey"?
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
"Didn't anyone complain"? The farmer asked.
"Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.:rolleyes:

A fuck for a duck,
a duck for a fuck,
and fifteen bucks for a fucked up duck ;)

i remember that one.

some thing like this Foot ??

A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few
minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The
young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about
cows.

Now give me back my dog."

AWESOME.

That is almost an exact duplicate of the joke that started this thread 62 pages ago. The world has come full circle.

sorry about the formatting..



Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a
new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person
will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As
homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short
story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send
another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then
add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending
another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and
so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each
time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO
talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be
written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has
been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out
of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit
established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a
bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through
his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of
his
s eat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress
Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read
in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and
bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the
days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read,
no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the
beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to
become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had
left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to
stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized
poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I
have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of tea???
Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too
many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

(Gary)

Bitch.

(Rebecca)

FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Gary)

Go make some tea, whore.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

we've already had that one.

EMOTICONS


We all know those cute little computer symbols called, "emoticons,"

Where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by

:-) and

:-( respectively.



Well, how about some, "assicons"? Here goes:



(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass







..oo*"""**oo.oo*""*oo...
oo*" "*o.o*" "*o.
o o *o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o \o/ o
o --O-- o
o. /o\ o
o o o
o o o
o o oo
oo o oo
oo. oo oo
'ooo. oo. ooo
o ""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,oo"o
o. """""" oo """"" o
'o oo o'
o oo o
'o o o*
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o

For those of you wondering what the smashed text above is supposed to represent, I suggest you quote this message for an expanded ASScii surprise*.








* surprise only valid in editing window.

sent to me this morning by my uncle, under heading "Warning!"

Like you, I hate it when people forward bogus warnings. But, this one is
important. Please forward to those you care about.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a
survey on deer ticks and asks you to take all of your clothes off and
dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM. They only
want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

:D

Q ~ What's the American Indian word for "lousy hunter"?



A ~ Vegetarian. ;)

what's the square root of 69? ate something

square root = uncomfortable copulation

zippyT calls his wife on the phone and says "Honey, I just got an offer to go fishing at one of the best spots in the country this weekend. The guys are going to leave in about an hour, could you pack my bags, my rod and reel and tackle box? Thanks hon, Oh yeah, pack my blue silk PJs too."

Zippy comes home from his fishing trip late sunday night and mrs zippy says "how was the fishing trip dear?"

zippy says "It was great, only you forgot to pack my blue silk PJs"

mrs zippy says "No I didn't, I put them in your tackle box."

ZippyT....silk pajamas. Now that's funny.:lol:

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:

"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown".

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, by shaking him and asks, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says: "What exactly did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn Around!'

A Shepherd's revenge. LOL! (Video)+
 

http://www.ssiworld.com/watch/bmw.htm

Every Shepherd should have one!

Up in Heaven, Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great and Napoleon are looking down on events in Iraq.
Alexander says, "Wow, if I had just one of Bush's armored divisions, I would definitely have conquered India."
Frederick the Great states, "Surely if I only had a few squadrons of Bush's air force I would have won the Seven Years War decisively in a matter of weeks."
There is a long pause as the three continue to watch events. Then Napoleon speaks, "And if I only had that Fox News, no one would have ever known that I lost the Russia campaign.";)

Possible repost...

A little scrawny guy goes into a bar.
He is shortly followed by a big burly trucker.
As they sit at the bar drinking suddenly...
BAM!!!
The trucker backhands the little guy, and says "That's my Karate from Korea."
Little guy gets back on the barstool and resumes drinking.
Five minutes later...
WHAM!!!
The trucker backhands the little guy, and says "That's my Ju Jits Su from Japan."
The little guy leaves the bar, and comes back in five minutes.
He walks up behind the trucker and...
KA-POW!!!
He looks at the bartender and says -
"When that motherfucker wakes up, tell him that was my sledgehammer from Sears!"

http://suetn.50megs.com/fun/escape.jpg



http://suetn.50megs.com/fun/Im_up.jpg

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one would
dispute that. Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would
recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the
bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that
killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if
they would put up the drinks. So the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt
the
bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They
brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit
longer
this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right
again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every
time
against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep.
The
next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one huge black
eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not
drunk
enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this
black
eye?"His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put
your
hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then loudly yelled,
"Skunk
... killed with an axe."

zippyt , eww gross! disgusting!

Sometimes one dosn't want to know that guys have experienced less than savory crotches. Guys who think some womens stinky crotches are funny must have known one or two. I would never want to *do* someone who has *been there*

ewwwww! Is grossed out.


:tinfoil:

Aw lighten up, skysidhe. :rolleyes:

skysidhe,

That was JUST a joke , NOT from presonal experence .

;) It's ok. I don't like tasteless small penis jokes either.

The first rule in a tastless joke is it HAS TO BE FUNNY.






Freddie Mercury, Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates.St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.

Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"

"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"

Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.

"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter

"Hold on a fucking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"

"Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens...."

The first rule in a tastless joke is it HAS TO BE FUNNY.

Aussie humor I guess .

sorry zippyt. I just ribbing ya. :) -peace-






The Nuns Regret
A nun walks into a bus and sits behind the driver and says, "I have just one regret before I die,"

The bus driver asks "What might that be?", she says "I have never had sex, but I can't have sex with a married man or that would be a sin."

The bus driver says, "I'm not married"

The nun says, "I have to die a virgin so I will have to take it in my ass".

Being the only two in the bus they went to the back and took care of business.

When they were done the bus driver says to the nun, "I have a confesion to make, I am married."

The nun says "I also have a confesion to make, My name is Tom and im going to a costume party!"

Reminds me of anchovies, the tiny little fish that smell like fingers...

ba dump bump

hehehe ok that was funny .....but still gross :p at least ya got a smile out of it :D

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide?"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." :D

Proudly stolen and repeated from the cookie bot:

Kotex isn't the *best* thing in the world, but it's close to it.

Sorry in advance Ladys ,

How do you make a woman pick cotton ??


Light her string ;)

AKA: Manhole Covers.

now that was funny! :lol2:

Time constraints prohibit me from reading every post here at this time but I’m working on it. Sooo if this one has been posted beforehand… a thousand pardons….

Two dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room he hears his little friend shouting out cries of,"Here I come again...ONE, TWO, THREE.....UHH!" all night long. In the morning the second dwarf asks the first "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection"

The second dwarf shook his head." You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!"