that's OK, kingfisher, welcome to the Cellar. :D

MY DAD IS A FATHER
 

Thanks XO


A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a
priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of
many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
xaid, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar."

LOL! :D

A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move.



"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."



The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"



"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"



"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff --
grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty,
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"



The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."



"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Welcome to the Celar, unowen. :D

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma or his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was nearly in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...

"&%^$ off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

274

haha pie, that was a good one.


something funny. stereotypical but funny and too big to post here as an image

http://www.absolutely-funny-humor.co...a%20Sheet.html

?

One of my favorites:
 

So there's these two tall trees, a birch and a beech, growing in the forest. A little sapling is growing in between them, and the birch says to the beech, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The beech replies, "I don't know, can't rightly tell from here..." Just then a woodpecker flits nearby, and the birch calls out, "Hello, woodpecker! You being an expert on trees and all, would you please fly on down there and tell us if that there sprig is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

"Why, sure!" says the woodpecker, and he flies on down, and takes a little taste of the sapling, and he replies, "That, dear sirs, is neither a son of a beech, nor a son of a birch - it is, however, the sweetest peice of ash I've ever put my pecker in!"

:thumb2:

A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."

Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass.
When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a silver dollar."

Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?":heart-on:

Oy Xo
 

Have you hear the one about the queer bear?


He laid his Pa on the table.

Quote:
Originally Posted by footfootfoot
274

?
_________
An old joke about guys in prison It's all quiet then
one of them yells "53" and the whole place busts up laughing. The
new guy doesn't get it and asks what's going on. They explain:
"We've all been here so long we just number the jokes."

The next day he says "274" and silence. He asks why no one laughed,
and they say "because you've got lousy delivery and no sense of timing.

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Not jokes but certainly humour, if a little cruel:

Heather Mills was practically a Beatle - pull one of her legs off and she still keeps going.

Recently read description of Kelly Osbourbe - a fat goth who's been sprayed with glue and rolled through Claire's Accessories.

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher later in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.”

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

we all know what 69 is.... what's 71?

69 with two fingers in the ass.

Great one Iggy!

Reminds me of the one about the kid who was lousy at math and his parents send him to catholic school thinking that he will improve under the strictness there.

After a month his grades and seriousness improved dramatically. When asked about the reason for the quick turn-around, he replied:
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business"

What's 77?

69, but you get ate (eight) more.

if you are four eyed, would that be 144?

That's gross.

....it is too......

A male model goes to the beach to suntan his dick so that he has the "all over" tan.
He digs a hole in the sand, lays down, and covers himself with the sand, leaving only his erect cock sticking out.
Three minutes later, two old ladies come across the penis, and the one starts whacking at it with her cane.
"Bertha, what the hell are you doing?"
"Martha, when I was young, I couldn't find them. Now the goddamn things are growing wild!!!"

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the
woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to
herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the
dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and
begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue
ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the
mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red
ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but by God, we took first and
second place.

hehehe funny capn



:biglaugha

What's 68?

You do me, and I owe you one

Two little boys get up one Christmas morning and rush to the Christmas tree. There is an enormous package for 10 year old Johnny - a complete electric train set, with enough track to fill the whole living room, several trains, carriages, railway crossings, railway stations, people... everything you could want, all remote controllable.

Then 7 year old Billy opens his Christmas present - it is a wooden car with a string on it to pull it with. The parents behave as if this is quite normal, and brush off any questions about it.

That night, after the lights have gone out, Johnny snickers and calls out to his brother across their room, "hey, Billy, have you ever considered that maybe our parents just don't love you any more?"

After a few seconds of silence, Billy replies, "hey Johnny, have you ever considered that maybe you have cancer?"

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.


As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.


The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me toSunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Excellent, Iggy!

Alright, I'm keeping that one, Iggy.

I know some Born Again Christians who need to see it.

how come the Pakistani football team has never won the world cup?

Everytime they get a corner, they open a corner shop.

Thanks... I do try. :D

Swedish Stag Night
Check out the picture (nothing unusual to be seen) than read what follows...

In Sweden it is a bit of a custom for the groom to be kidnapped and whisked off somewhere for his stag night, which usually lasts all day and all night rather than the typical British stag night where you all arrange it beforehand go out get drunk and hire a stripper.

The Swedes do it different.. The groom has no idea until he gets nabbed.. He might be dressed up in something crazy... and go do something funny...and then the fun starts!

This particular guy is a keen sailor and when he was kidnapped for his stag night they pasted a false "skippers-beard" on him and put him at the helm of a 60 foot yacht and let him be skipper for the day...

Much beer and fine food was consumed. But nothing... nasty happened to him at all...
.
BUT...
.
In the evening when they got back on land and were getting cleaned up for the night club... they all had a sauna as is customary in Sweden....

Imagine the grooms horror when he walked into the sauna where his naked buddies were waiting for him and then to notice that best mate number one had no pubic hair ...

neither did friend two ...
nor three ...
or four...

Now check out the false beard again...........

As we all know, after the Last Supper, The Christ was arrested, beaten, and crucified.

As the Romans were nailing him to the cross, his followers were standing at the base, crying and gnashing their teeth.

"Why must he die? Why oh why?"
"God, tell us why he must die!"

The Christ looks at them and screams "I wouldn't have to die if you fuckers would get a ladder and a pair of plyers!!!"

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee
down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing
parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter
and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United
States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for
others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

Where does virgin olive oil come form?

Ugly olives.


Then where does Extra Virgin olive oil come from?

Fat and ugly olives.

The best part of the pic is the little Monopoly dog onlooker.

I am so whimsy Elspode so that although the scene would be grim I find it very clever .

I noticed though it was either the king or queen had died. I wonder why. Perhaps this person never lost a chess game before :)) Or maybe they are just free enough to express their whimsy.

God, I hope the Bishop didn't arrive too late.

A young couple decides to take their vacation at a remote tropical island. Everything was ideal and they were having a great time, when they notice the sound of drums in the distance. Worried, they ask one of the natives about the drums. The native also looks worried, but assures them that "Drums ok".

The drums continue through the night and into the next day. As the day continues, the drumming becomes louder. The couple decide to go and ask one of the villagers about this. Just as they find the chief, the drumming builds to an incredible crescendo and then stops.

By this time the couple are frightened out of their wits when the chief cries, "Oh no! Drums stop. - Now come bass solo."

This is a bilingual joke for the Hispanicists amongst you . Humble apologies for the lack of tildes , upside-down
exclamation marks etc . I am on a French computer .

José Garcia Fernandez arrives in London , only to find that he has forgotten to pack his socks . He does not speak English , and he hates gesticulating . The next day , he wanders sad and sockless around Knightsbridge , but finally , to his joy , he sights Harvey Nichols . He is on that famous corner near Sloane Square ...

He rushes into the shop , and manages to attract the attention of a salesman :

José : Hola , buenos dias , Senor . Quisiera comprar calcetines , por favor .

Harvey Nichols chappie : ..um..

José : calcetines

H.N.C. : I am afraid that we only speak English here , sir .

José : Joder . Calcetines . Qué no es tan complicado ! Estoy harto ya de andar sin calcetines en esta ciudad . No sabes vender , o qué ?

H.N.C. : I am afraid we only speak English here , sir .

Being a pragmatic sort of man , the Harvey Nichols man finally understands that the Spaniard would like to buy something . He holds up a tie .

José : No , no , no . Tengo ocho corbatas !

He holds up a belt .

José : Tampoco !

A shirt ....

José : Joder , no ! Y qué color mas feo !

After displaying braces , trousers , shoes .... the patient salesman finally holds up a pair of socks .

José ( with great joy) ESO SI QUE ES !

The salesman ( in a slightly sniffy voice) : Well sir ,I see that you can SPELL what you required . Why couldn't you have said so earlier ?

Thanks for the joke, Buddug. My oldest daughter will enjoy it, I think. She's been taking Spanish for the last two years and enjoys it.

Let me tweak you a bit by adding that when I emailed it to her, Outlook wanted me to change every instance where you had a space before punctuation. :stickpoke

Encantada de saberlo , dar512 ;-)

Very funny! And you don't really have to know Spanish to get it.

Claro .

ahh, my whimsical friend. You made me smile in a whimsical way....

teeheehee :lol2:





ps. I think it was a staged death because the blood flow is in two different directions. Very unnatural.
( psst.. I watch alot of csi:p)

The king is dead; long live the king!

I think he died of a broken heart :sniff:



ok next ....
http://www.myconfinedspace.com/wp-co...6/speeding.jpg


http://www.myconfinedspace.com/category/politics/

I know that thing is a radar gun...but doesn't it leave some room for imagination? Kind of like it's saying...speed here and we'll gun you down. Gee, in my town they only gun you down for walking out of a bar!:right:

The United States Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of President George W. Bush to honor his first term achievements.

Unfortunately, the stamp has not been sticking to the envelopes. This has enraged the President, who has demanded a full investigation into the matter. After a month of testing, a special Presidential Commission has made the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. People are just spitting on the wrong side.

The latest internet pickup line: "Hey, can you show me how you put YouTube into mySpace?"

TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

I guess #31 would be, "Imagine there's no heaven," and #32 would be, "I'll have the California roll, please."

30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
09. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
08. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
07. Checkmate
06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
04. I don't have a favorite college team.
03. You Guys.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE #1 THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

Oaths Of Enlistment
All persons, upon entering Military Service and upon reenlistment, are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time, the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff:

US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
Signature ___________
Date ______________

US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.
I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my Sexual...er...I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY."
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
Signature ___________
Date____________

US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually
live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?"
I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer, and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."
I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
Signature ______________
Date ________________

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets
....charge....slash....dig....burn....blow up....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call.... salute.. ....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
X____________________
Thumb Print
XX _________________________________
Teeth Marks
Date ___________________
Ask Gunny
:lol:

'
Been there. Done that.