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'preciate the oathes, Bruce. Cool stuff.
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another good one xoBruce.
and did I duplicate that dar? sorry |
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Am here. Doing this. Wouldn't trade it for the world. :) |
Read the "thx for oathes" before I read them and was reminded of one I overheard this week at camp:
"Holy Mother of Mario!!" :rolleyes: Yes, my boys still use the phrase "a-word", instead of "ass". Endearing. |
Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo, and asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request, but the beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus. In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff 'ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes." :rolleyes: |
Elephant's Memory - Touching Story.
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him. Probably wasn't the same elephant..... |
I LOVE that joke. I have been teased by friends endlessly about that one...you either love it or you just don't get it.
Elephant Girl |
Something to Offend Everyone
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? " Are you sure it's mine?" What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you . Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo." What's the Cuban National Anthem? " Row, Row, Row Your Boat" What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe." How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides! |
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I'll Hire You!
Deer Sir, I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited. I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr. Sinseerly, Peggy May Starlings PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb. Employer's response:...... Dear Peggy May, It's OK honey, we've got spell check |
Linus: "I'll be a doctor when I grow up."
Lucy: "You can't be a doctor. To be a doctor you have to love humanity." Linus: "I do love humanity! It's people I can't stand." :thumb2: |
People never listen, do they?
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. |
This is an email I recieved, and seeing as how people forward all of those crazy emails I thought it was pretty funny. I thought I would share. :D
Oh, and the subject of the email was: Thank you for all of the helpful email advice! THANKS, because of you, my life is better and more safe........ I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies! Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician... Have a wonderful day....oh one more thing...... -------------------------------------------------------------------- New Study A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late |
SAFE!:jig: It was so long I was using the arrow keys by the time I got to the bottom.:D Of course, it's not in email form now...
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Talking to God
A woman is driving round a supermarket carpark but can't find a space. She decides to pray. "Dear God, if you can find me a parking space, I'll give up drinking, stop having casual sex and go to mass every Sunday". The next moment, she finds a space. She says to God: "Oh, never mind, I've just found one!" |
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf
> course, became confused as to where he was on the course. > Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked > up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew > what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole > and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole. > He thanked her and went back to his golf. > > On the back nine the same thing happened, > and he approached her again with the same request. > She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a holebehind me, > so you must be on the 13th hole." > Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. > > He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw > the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. > He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. > The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. > > Approaching her he politely said, "Allow me to buy you a drink in > appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the > sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?" > She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh. > "No, I won't." He said. > "Well, if you must know," she said, "I work for Tampax." > > With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off his barstool. > "See" she said, "I told you, you would laugh." > > "No, no, no!" That's not what I'm laughing at." he replied. > "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you! :lol: :sweat: :biglaugha: :lol2: |
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees. Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life. :D |
Handy Latin Phrases
Handy Latin Phrases
Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat. It's not the heat, it's the humidity. Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit! God, look at the time! My wife will kill me! Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre? Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me? Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est. The designated hitter rule has got to go. Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare. I think some people in togas are plotting against me. Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris. If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar. Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? (At a barbeque) Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri? Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face? More Useful Latin Sona si Latine loqueris. Honk if you speak Latin. Si Hoc Legere Scis Nimium Eruditionis Habes If you can read this you're over-educated Vidi Vici Veni I saw, I conquered, I came Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi. Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog. Raptus regaliter Royally screwed Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes! If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin! Gramen artificiosum odi. I hate Astroturf. Nullo metro compositum est. It doesn't rhyme. Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema. I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem. Fac ut gaudeam. Make my day. Re vera, potas bene. Say, you sure are drinking a lot. Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant! May barbarians invade your personal space! Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant! May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy! Radix lecti Couch potato Quo signo nata es? What's your sign? O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem! Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm! Mellita, domi adsum. Honey, I'm home. Ventis secundis, tene cursum. Go with the flow. Totum dependeat. Let it all hang out. Te precor dulcissime supplex! Pretty please with a cherry on top! Magister Mundi sum! I am the Master of the Universe! Fac me cocleario vomere! Gag me with a spoon! Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear. Prehende uxorem meam, sis! Take my wife, please! Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem! Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business. Vescere bracis meis. Eat my shorts. Sic faciunt omnes. Everyone is doing it. Fac ut vivas. Get a life. Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam. I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head. |
And for our friends across the pond.....
Letters To The Editor Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt, Cambridge The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John, Liverpool I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? Alun Daniel, Slough I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it, they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I might be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys? DF Kant On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road. Alan J., London Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London Supermarkets... Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through. Serena Keough How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike Woods, e-mail Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in. Gary, e-mail Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of. Mrs Close, Belfast :D |
:D outstanding! :D
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They can flood us with immigrants, tax us to the hilt, try to replace our national beverage with corner coffee shops, ruin our poorly-made cars industry, reduce our annual rainfall, eradicate drinking-up time in pubs, try to spoil our holidays with anti-terrorist operations, pot-hole our roads, and undertake countless other assaults on our national identity, but they will never, nay never, take away our British sense of humour (or our desire to put 'u's in words where some pond-distance dwellers may think them unnecessary!)
Thank you Bruce - you've made my week start phenomally well!! |
My pleasure, but I must admit I didn't completely understand some of them...... figured you guys would, though. :lol:
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A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform, flat on his back. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. ................So, He sent me." |
I think this one will travel well enough - in case not Tesco is like Walmart and Winalot is a form of biscuit wholefood for dogs - the pesron wasn't me by the way, although we do have a dog and he does eat a wholefood variety of dog food:
I have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Winalot at Tesco's and was in line to checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog? On impulse, and thinking it was a stupid question, I told her that no, and that I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that although I probably shouldn't, because I had ended up in hospital last time. But, because I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms, I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to need help as he collapsed, then laughingly staggered to the door. +++ |
Ha Ha Cycle,
That's a variant of one of my favorites. A woman is checking out at the grocery store and her cart is full of cans of dog food. The check out clerk is making small talk and and says "Wow, you must have a lot of dogs for all this dog food." "Actually," the woman responds it's for my husband, he accidentally ate some dog food thinking it was pate, and now this is all he wants to eat." Several months later she is in the store again and she has the same clerk, he remembers her and notes that this time she has an assortment of normal food in her cart. "Hey, did your husband get sick of dog food?" "No, my husband passed away suddenly." "OH I'm so sorry to hear that. What happened? " "Well he was laying on the couch trying to lick his balls when he fell off and broke his neck." As I'm typing this I wonder if the fellow with the Winalot guy was riffing on an old standby joke a la: A guy goes to the doc for some G.I. problems and the doc gives him a handful of suppositories and tells him to take two a day for a couple of weeks and come back. The guy gets home and shows them to his wife, wondering how in hell he's going to swallow them. "Why don't you break them up into pieces?" she says "They'll be easier to swallow that way. So he does, and two weeks later he's back at the docs office. The doc asks him if he took all the suppositories. "Ya know doc, I did. And to be perfectly honest, for all the good it did me I might as well have stuck them up my ass." A friend of mine once was in the hospital for some similar complaint and found the perfect opportunity to use this joke. He is an inveterate practical joker and was able to deliver the line with ot cracking up. Soon, the entire floor of the hospital had heard about him eating the suppostories. |
Irvine Welsh uses the suppository line in Trainspotting - it was the first time I'd read it and it really made me laugh.
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Units of measurement:
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton 1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microscope Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = bananosecond 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 1 million microphones = 1 phone 1 million phones = 1 megaphone 365.25 days = 1 unicycle 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 1 million billion picolos = 1 gigolo 10 rations = 1 decoration 100 rations = 1 C-ration 10 millipedes = 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 10 monologs = 5 dialogs 2 monograms = 1 diagram 8 nickels = 2 paradigms 2 wharves = 1 paradox ;) |
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IF THE USAF BUILT AIRCRAFT CARRIERS
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Linking back to the anal jokes a brief moment..
I found an interesting birthday card for my son this year - cartoon on front showing a doctor and assistant studying the backside of a patient who is leaning over exposing the end of a lettuce protruding from his anus. Words underneath from doctor:'I'm afraid it's just the tip of the iceberg...!' |
I love it!
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ring ring ring ring ring ring ring bananosecond
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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, 'What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?'
'Well...' said the director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.' 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor, with a chuckle. 'A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup. Right?' 'Noooooooo!' answered the director. 'A normal person would pull the plug.' :D |
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:mg:
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It's a metaphor for Iraq, Shawnee.
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You know, HM....angry just doesn't cut it for Bob....he's way past Dr Phil, more like Dr Wolf material. :D
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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a seven-foot grizzly charging towards him. He began running as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him. Although his heart was pumping frantically, he tried to run even faster. Then he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, he saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God . . ." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you now expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head, and spoke, "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen." |
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bra-FREAKIN'-vo!!! |
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Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it, why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick." |
When I asked her to the prom... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to dance... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to move in with me... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to kiss me... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to make love to me... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked for her hand in marriage... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to bear my children... She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. That's when I realized she was a Retard. |
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Important Notice
GREGOR SAMSA Is Not Eligible for SSI We are writing about GREGOR SAMSA's claim for Supplemental Security Income (SSI) payments. Based on a review of his/her medical condition, he/she does not qualify for SSI payments on this claim. This is because he/she is not disabled or blind under our rules. The Decision on GREGOR SAMSA's Case You listed the following impairment(s) on your SSI application: I AM A GIGANTIC COCKROACH DEPRESSION BACK PAIN You said the above impairment(s) affected you in the following way(s): I CANNOT STAND OR WALK UPRIGHT OR SPEAK ANY HUMAN LANGUAGE I CANNOT HANDLE OR MANIPULATE OBJECTS WITH MY MANY LEGS OR ANTENNAE WHEN I AM ON MY BACK I HAVE DIFFICULTY RIGHTING MYSELF MY FAMILY HAS IMPRISONED ME IN MY ROOM AND IS FEEDING ME SCRAPS The following report(s) were used to decide this claim: You did not show up for your Consultative Exam. We scheduled an appointment with an examining physician at our expense. You were asked if you required a taxi or other arranged transportation to the exam. We received no medical records related to your alleged condition(s) of I AM A GIGANTIC COCKROACH, DEPRESSION, BACK PAIN. Doctors and other trained staff looked at this case and made this decision. They work for the state but used our rules. The following findings were made: You are not engaged in any substantial gainful activity. Your impairment causes more than minimal limitations. Although your impairment(s) result in some problems for you, which are more than minimal, they do not equal any of the impairments listed in Table 2 of Appendix 1 to Subpart P of Chapter 20, Part 404 of Federal Regulations ("the Listings"). You are not able to perform your previous employment. You listed the following job(s) in your work history report: TRAVELING SALESMAN We have determined that your impairment prevents you from continuing in your previous employment, because you cannot handle or finger your sample cases, you cannot speak any human language, and your customers will be frightened by your monstrous clicking mandibles. You are able to perform other work which exists in substantial numbers in the national economy. A vocational expert was consulted, and determined that your Residual Functioning Capacity (RFC) allows you to perform the following jobs: STAPLING MACHINE OPERATOR NUCLEAR WASTE MANAGEMENT ENTERTAINER (foreign cinema, circus) TAX PREPARER If You Disagree With the Decision If you disagree with this decision, you have the right to appeal. We will review your case and consider any new facts you have. You have to ask for an appeal in writing. We will ask you to sign a form SS-561-U2 called "Request for Reconsideration." If you cannot sign your name, you may mark the line with an X, but you must provide two witnesses willing to sign to your identity. If you cannot mark the line with an X, we will provide you with a special identity stamp. If you cannot handle or finger the identity stamp, we will ask you to come into our office and frantically paw at a ream of carbon triplicate paper, but you must provide two witnesses willing to sign to your identity. If you do call or visit an office, please have this letter with you. It will help us answer your questions. You must have your Social Security card and a current picture ID to enter the building. Sincerely, Barnabas Klamm Regional Commissioner (Courtesy of McSweeneys.net and written by Alex St.-Andrews) |
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Speaking of Bears...:D
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My ex college roommate starred in several bear movies*.
*i.e., gay porn with very hairy men **yes he was gay back then ***but not with me ****not that there's anything wrong with that *****nothing wrong with being gay I mean, not being gay with me |
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when the lights were off because they could not see each’s sign language. After several nights of fumbling around amd misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "honey," she signs, "why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night if you want sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you do not want sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast once." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want sex, reach over and yank on my penis once, and if you do not want sex, yank on my penis...fifty times."
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A Scotsman is sitting at a bar in Cuba.
A man with a large black beard walks in and asks for a shot of tequila. He drinks it, then starts to walk out. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you going to pay for that?" The Cuban says, "Castro’s army." The bartender says okay, and lets him go. Another Cuban with a large black beard walks in and asks for a shot of tequila. He drinks it then starts to walk out. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you going to pay for that?" The Cuban says, "Castro’s army," and the bartender lets him go. The Scotsman catches on and goes to the bar and asks for a shot. He proceeds to drink it and then walk away. The bartender says, "Aren’t you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Castro’s army." The bartender says, "Oh yeah? Where’s your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quick, lifts up his kilt, and says, "Secret Service".:D |
Psssttt.....
Bruce. Don't let the Navy guys read this. :drunk: |
cow education
Lesson In Political Systems
DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICANISM You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of paid vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Russian Mafia shows up and takes however many cows you actually had. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use all the money to buy weapons. IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed while attempting to milk them. BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders. |
I just hate clowns
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Cow Education
Where are the British cows? Anyone says anything about bad teeth you are 30 years out of date (yawn)
Edited to add - my submission: British Corporation: You have two cows By Government subsidies you increase your herd Because it's important to maintain the rural way of life But when you finally start making money the tabloids realise you are successful and bring you down You shoot yourself |
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will." The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek." President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future." |
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Joseppi was in the hospital and it was time for lunch.
He looked at his lunch and said, "I don't like chicken soup, bring something else." The orderly said, "The doctor said you should have it", but Joseppi refused to eat. That night, Joseppi's roommate had bad stomach pain, so the nurses came in to give him an enema, but by mistake, they gave the enema to Joseppi. When he was checking out, a new patient asked him how he liked the hospital. Joseppi told him, "Well, the hospital itself is pretty good, but they're very strict about their food. Here's a good tip: when they bring up chicken soup you better eat it, or they'll come back in the middle of the night and shove it up your ass." :blush: |
The Tomato (Tomahto?) Garden
The Tomato Garden
> > > An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He > wanted to dig his tomato > garden but it was very hard work as the ground was > hard. His only son, > Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. > > The old man wrote a letter to his son and described > his predicament. > > Dear Vincenzo, > I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I > won't be able to plant my > tomato garden this year. > > I am getting too old to be digging up a garden > plot. > > If you were here, my troubles would be over. > > I know you would dig the garden for me. > Love, Papa > > A few days later he received a letter from his son. > > > Dear Papa, > I would help if I could but please do not dig up > that garden. > That's where I buried the bodies. > Love, Vinnie > > At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police > arrived with picks and > shovels and dug up the entire area without finding > any bodies. They apologized to > the old man and left. That same day the old man > received another letter from > his son. > > Dear Papa, > Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. > > That's the best I could do under the circumstances. > > Love, Vinnie |
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