Obviously not. I don't doubt you were infatuated. It's possible you lusted for him. But if you loved him you would not have tried seducing him out of his marriage vows. When you love people you want- and pursue what's best for them even at the expense of your desires or safety. If as you claim you were unaware he was married, you didn't see a ring, and the tanless line around his finger went unnotice how long? Then it could have been love. If it was, and you discovered he was married the loving thing to do would have been immediately terminating your relationship. Did you do that?

I hope you find actual love.

This is soooo easily turned around.

Reminds me of the Doctor in "Grey's Anatomy" having the unprofessional affair with an intern that reports to him. He says to her "If I were a better man, I'd back off and let you go."

You have to take into account that this guy is a professor. It's possible that he is more intelligent and is using manipulation, so don't blame yourself.

Brianna, Stacey's got a good point about the professor. I was a faculty member at a high powered department for ten years. Academic politics are extremely vicious given the peer review basis of advancement. Grandstanding, back stabbing, and manipulation are natural to these guys.

Then, this guy has enough insecurities to have Mid Life Crisis. Come on, tell me the guy drives a Toyota MR-2, that would make it picture perfect.

Also, watch out for feeling like your life is a mess. It may feel that way compared to the professor who seemingly has it all together. But, something isn't quite right if he's violating his marriage vows.

I like the fact that you are taking charge of your life now. You go girl !

Wow--I never expected so many responses. And thanks. Just to clarify a little: HE really seduced ME. And no, no wedding ring or tell-tale "little ring-shaped tan line." But that is rationalizing--when I found out he WAS married I should have broken it off right then and there, but I didn't. And staceyv, I have thought exactly that--this guy is brilliant and I am in awe of him--he could get me to do anything he wished and I do sort of feel like a lot of this was orchestrated by him. He KNOWS I am in awe of him-I've never met anyone like him. He does painfully care about appearances--his wife is the typical beautiful and neurotic professor's wife, his two kids won scholarships to Wellesley and the eldest just graduated Harvard. He lives in the snobbiest suburb there is and wears herringbone jackets to teach. I know this sounds so cliche but it's all true! He went to Berkeley and Oxford and has had two Fellowships--was a Fulbright, etc. etc. He's living a dream-life.

Oh, and he drives a Honda Accord! He's a bit past true "middle age"--he's nearly 62 and I am 41. I feel desperate when I think about not talking with him, etc...really desperate.

Wow, when you do spring cleaning, you go to town :) Ditto to everything encouraging and thoughtful already posted that was said better than I could. Starting over with a totally clean slate may seem a little intimidating, but we're all here to help in any way we can. I wish you the best of luck and trust that in the end everything will have worked itself out for the better.

You'll make it, Bri. I think you're posting here (about all of these life-changes) because you know you will too. :)

You still headed for that IOP sometime soon? That would seem to be an easy way to keep yourself busy so you can avoid this jerk for awhile. ;)

Don't worry about the professor. He's already boffing two or more of his students.

Bri, I don't have anything new to add to the excellent posts made by others, but I am glad to see you examining your life and making some very wise decisions like this. Good job.

i think you've got some excellent responses that are much more appropriate and helpful than what i wrote, or could hope to write - so ignore my posts, cull from the others what you can.

and ignore BLB's - he is obviously in judgemental fuckstick mode.

Our Puritanical, patriarchal, monogamous society makes things like this rather unpleasant. While it may be as cut and dried as manipulation, asserting the late-in-life manhood reinforcement, or simply tapping a chick 20 years your junior, it is far more likely that it is much more complex than this.

The simple fact of the matter is that it *is* possible to love more than one person, complete with the physical intimacy that goes along with deep relationships. However, we are societally conditioned against the concept of polyamory, and so we have to ascribe sinister motivation or something more shallow than love as the reason for the relationship.

It boils down to what one values. Professor Guy values his current status quo vis a vis the job, the wife, the prestige and the opinion of his peers. In a perfect world, those things wouldn't be at risk.

However, allowing that the Prof is "brilliant", then he was fully aware of all of these things as being the prevailing societal and real-world winds when he first unzipped Bri's knickers, and so it is reasonably safe to assume that she was always going to be the other woman. Since he *is* brilliant, then it necessarily follows that he wasn't honest if he didn't let Bri know that there would never be more than boffing and incidental socialization. If she *did* know that, then she has no complaint coming. But, if Rocket Boy led her along, misrepresenting his intentions to keep the nookie supply going, Bri has been wronged.

Whatever the case, Bri has the right to grieve the loss of a relationship that gave her something she wanted or needed. But I have to agree with the general opinion, here...I think breaking it off is just a sign of Bri's mental faculties coming back online, and seeing that her emotions weren't doing a very good job of driving the bus.

Here's to the fine job of avoiding another terrible bus crash, Bri.

I thought he was going to marry me. He swept me off my feet and THEN the "Weeeeell, you know, I am married..." line came up. No, I DIDN'T know you were married, but by that time I was sooooooo completely gone on him I couldn't stop myself. To be brutally honest-when I look at this relationship I see me stroking a very large ego and him helping me with school in return. He is very, very kind but he is also very, very into his "world" of adoring undergrads (yes, wolf, he probably IS boffing one or two students), Fulbright dinners, vaca's to Europe and his gang of fab/brilliant friends. Do I sound jealous? He always lets me know when one or more of his students has a crush on him (this past year one even had a valentine all set up in his office for him--card, balloon, etc. :vomit: He's always going somewhere really cool or interesting, supporting the arts community and rubbing elbows with some people I would like to know.

Do I sound bitter? :) I am. A little. But he does help me. He is helping me go back to the local University, going over my transcripts, giving me pointers on stuff...is this a fair trade? I'm asking because I honestly don't know.

I know this all may sound really obvious and stupid, but this is really where I am right now. On Monday, who knows? I go before the judge and I may be in bright orange for a while.

Thank you, all, for listening and offering some very good advice--I bought my copy of Chicken Soup to rip and burn just this morning! ;) That'll feel good!

I'm so disjointed and this post is all over the place but it'll get better. I promise.

Bri, you are a strong, strong woman. Kudos for being so raw and honest with yourself! You know what you need to do with this man, though. I know you do. It is going to be hard. It may take several tries. It might not. It will be a bitter fight with your own will.

The first goal you should set for yourself is to cut it off completely. think of him as "bad for you". The relationship is like cancer. Think of it as ridding yourself of something that is hurting you. You will feel the loss, the pain of not seeing his face or feeling his presence. You will be sad or even regretful at times. But the longer you have contact with him and even the smallest evidence of hope, the longer you prolong your grief and the realization that this man is not the one you should be with. Don't kid yourself and try to think you are sticking with him because you "need" him or that he "needs" you. Don't think the friendship within it, however benign it may have seemed, is a good reason to keep contact with him. There are others out there who would be your friends without the control and manipulation that he seems to extert (whether knowingly or not). It may feel like you will never experience love like with him again, but that isn't true. All of the negative feelings you tell yourself are like chains keeping you from enjoying your life, so try like hell to break loose of them and reinforce yourself with some pampering of yourself....tell yourself you love YOU and how brilliant YOU are and how much YOU deserve to be loved (not used or taken advantage of). You may not believe it is true, but if you bombard yourself with those positive thoughts for long enough, you may eventually believe them, just as you believe the constant barrage of negative stuff you have implied to yourself for so long. Know that you are tough and beautiful and intelligent. You don't need acknowledgement from others to know that. That is part of who you are, and nobody can compromise that. Don't allow this man to hurt you. Grieve his loss and the loss of an ideal that was not worth your pain. You can grieve the loss of the part of you that allowed the situation to be what it was. The grief won't last forever. When you start healing, every day will feel heavy and scary, but don't give in to your fear. Keep pushing through life as if it were the most important thing in the world for you to do (it is!) Eventually each day gets a little easier. The urges to be with him or think of him or read letters he wrote, etc will lessen gradually. Eventually you will have few of those moments wrapped by other, stronger moments where your clarity is your refuge. Hold to the stronger moments, like the one that inspired you to post this thread. One day, you will realize how strong you have become and how much happier you feel. Maybe you will have met someone who makes you happy and loves you for YOU by then. Maybe not, but at least you have YOU who loves you.

I know I am not "qualified" in anyway to give you advice about all this. All I have are my own experiences. I wish you the best of luck, Bri and as always, we are all here to help if you need us.

I'm out of here for the weekend. Good luck on Monday, Brianna. I'll be thinking about you. Be strong.

Bri, Good Luck on Monday. I'll be thinking of you.

Should the worst happen, what flavor cake would you like your file baked in?