Or how about:

If a tree falls on me in the forest and noone is around to hear me and I mute?

Would the priest then be collared or decollared?

Only if he was into D&s play.

I would.....


I *like* trees.

If a tree fell on a Scot would anybody pine?

A bona fide Wrightism from The Onion:

The Onion: Is there a God?
Steven Wright: Ahhh ... You'll have to ask Jesus.

Bitman, they're jokes.

"I don't think. My brain just tells me what to do"
(actual statement by chronic mental patient calling into crisis hotline)

What? Why didn't ju tell me earlier?? Here I'm trying to be helpful .. maggie I'll have to warch what I say in the future..

Hey, leave me out of it.:)

Yes, there is a synonym for "thesaurus"
 

But Peter Mark Roget didn't find it. He compiled his Thesaurus in the eighteenth century, and this synonym's style just screams nineteenth:

synonymicon; n., -s [synonym + icon (as in lexicon)]: a lexicon of synonyms

(Webster's Third New International)


"Nihilism means nothing to me any more; nostalgia isn't what it used to be; but plagiarism doesn't change much, and since when were we ever revisionists??"

"That we are neither primates nor ungulates must give us pause..."

Aw c'mon folks, it's really not THAT hard to stay on topic...

From my experience, it seems like the people who most often say, "I'd like to give them a piece of my mind", don't have all that much to spare.

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Metaphorically speaking, most people are allegorical.

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If time is money, why does everyone tell me to stop and smell the roses? Do they know something I don't about the billing terms of this deal?

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Why do people feel the need to give directions in terms of 'as the crow flies'? Are they just practicing for the day they actually run into Clark Kent?

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Wouldn't it be funny if one day we learned that the punishment in hell is with ice, not fire? Think of all those bets you could finally collect on.