My parents take my Grandad to visit my Grandmother's memorial twice a year - it's only a memorial because she was cremated, as my Grandad will be (ashes scattered with Nan) and as my Mum & Dad have asked to be when the time comes.

I'm not sure it means all that much to Mum, although there are flowers planted there and it is a measure of respect to tend them and keep the area tidy. If anything it acts as a focus for missing and loving the mother that has passed. For Grandad however, it is an important ritual. They had always agreed to have their memorial in the same cemetery as their family, in London, but I think as Grandad has weathered the years without her, he would have taken more comfort at having her close, in Aylesbury.

It's a moot point now, as he can't walk unaided and having her 50 miles away is the same as having her 1.5 miles away.

I'm glad Mum & Dad want to be cremated. I'd find the gravestone equally attracting and repelling. Attracting because I would want to stand there and remember them. Repelling because I would rather remember them when they were alive, and grieving at a stone is too horribly final. Also, I know it would fall on my sister to tend the grave (she and my brother live in Aylesbury, but my brother would never think in terms of grave tending) and I would feel horribly guilty - such a bad daughter - that it wasn't me.

My father is also buried in Kentucky, far from where I now live. If his grave was near-by, I would visit it, but I don't think who we really are has much to do with our bodies. I sat with my Dad as he died, and it was incredible to me how one moment it was my Dad lying in that hospital bed, and then he took his last breath, and there was no one there anymore - just an empty shell that had once housed my Dad's spirit. I think of my Dad everyday, so its not like I need to go to his grave to remember him or something, but I'd do it to honor his memory, if you can see the difference. I sometimes walk in cemetaries just to meditate. Our lives are all so short really, and sometimes I need to stop and remember what's really important. I loved my Dad alot.

well, we can do a road trip. You can pick me up on the way.

The original discussion I read was about "why do Jews leave stones..." But many people chimed in and said "I'm a Catholic and we do that too.." so I don't think that it's just Jewish, although I understand that it's a part of Jewish culture.

That is how I see it as well.

Maybe we should! ;) I see your location is in the Southwest, and so is mine. What part of Kentucky are your folks buried at?

A friend of mine's ashes are interred very near to my house. When I feel the need to be particularly contemplative I head over there and share a smoke with him while we do some thinking.

The family plot is in an area of the city that's not quite so nice. Even if I wanted to go, I couldn't find it on a bet. I mean, I might be able to locate the cemetary, but the plot? Never. My uncle is the designated family caregiver. Since my mother has annouced that she didn't like 'em all that much when she was alive (her siblings, mainly), she doesn't want to be stuck with them when she's dead. I think that means that she'll either be on the mantelpiece, or that my sister and I make a trip to Waikiki Beach or something like that when the time comes.

When I was little, and my parents wanted a weekend away, I stayed with a loving retired couple. Harry had been the gardener and Bea the British nanny for a wealthy family that built one of the mansions along the grand ave in the 20's.

When Bea died, Harry sprinkled her ashes in his garden, and from then on every one of his roses had a little bit of Bea in it...

uh . . . Either Louisville or Shelbyville, I think. Not really sure. Guess I ought to ask my family so I can visit if I ever get a chance. Supposed to be a family monument, or something.

I leave teeny tiny notes for the deceased....wherever I can safely hide them....in lettering so tiny, and on a scrap of paper so tiny and folded- no one would ever discover. And flowers. Yes, I leave messages! But that's just one grave.....
I guess I still try to keep in mind what they would like within the realm of the very few possibilties.

I don't visit grave sites. My uncle (still miss him very much), my grandparents, and friends live on my memory and I don't think visiting the grave site would make my memories any better. I have thought of this as I have almost lost my wife a couple of times. She really doesn't care what I do with her body, but I don't know what I would. I don't think I would visit the grave site, but she is my wife, and the sense of loss there would be much, much greater.

Like some others have stated, the grave is for the living. The dead don't really have an opinion.