Part of being openly polygamous is having to deal with situations like this. So for me it would really depend on the circumstances. If I know my best friend is also poly, I'd make sure her spouse had spoken to her first about it, then bring in my S.O. and we could have a nice friendly chat. If, however, I know my best friend is NOT poly, I would inform her immediately, put her spouse on warning, and make sure my S.O. also knew about what had happened.

If my buddy's wife is slutting around, he needs to know. (Monogamous) Relationships are established on mutual trust and when one side betrays that trust, it undermines the integrity of the relationship. There is no excuse for infidelity or attempts thereof. I tell him and leave it up to him to decide what he should do about it. End of story.

Not end of story, however. Your buddy, in denial, blames you and everything you stand for. Sex kitten purrs him back into her little nest.

Hopefully one day buddy realizes the truth.

End of story as to my obligations in response to her coming onto me I should say. He can blame me all he wants, I was just enlightening him to the fact that his trusted counterpart is not so trustworthy. If he lashes out at me for it and goes back to her then so be it, he made his bed he can lie in it I won't tell him how to go about his relationship. I wouldn't say "Hey d00d your girl was hittin on me, you should dump her ass man", more like "Hey bud I thought you should know your girlfriend came onto me pretty strongly the other day, didn't seem right not to tell you." I would be pissed if my female counterpart was trying to slut around behind my back, and someone who knew didn't tell me. If you want to be with someone else then go on and do it, don't lead me on trying to have your cake and eat it too ya whore. (This all applies to men as well as women)

I agree with you. Although I voted "wouldn't tell" I totally think I should...I just don't know that I would.

Yeah I would like to say that I always would, but you're right this is one of those things easier said than done.

Ali - hypothetical question or actual situation?

But what if it's not just a girlfriend, it's a spouse, and there are kids involved? For example, if this happened to me (which it totally wouldn't because I'm completely not my best friend's husband's type, but let's say it did...) My best friend is a stay-at-home mother of four children, all under the age of 7. If her marriage dissolved she would be in a world of fucking hurt. Yet at the same time, I know that she probably wouldn't be able to stay in the marriage if she knew her husband was actively trying to cheat on her. In all honesty, if he was just looking for some strange and had every intention of staying in the marriage, she might genuinely prefer to remain ignorant. I would have a very serious, threatening conversation with the husband who hit on me, and determine what his underlying motivations were. If it looked like the marriage were doomed anyway, I'd tell her. But if it seemed to me that he realized what a dumbass he was being, and understood that it would never happen again or I would tell her, then I'd write it off as not worth the agony.

Poly relationships are founded on mutual trust as well... there is just as much infidelity and cheating and betrayal in poly relationships as there are in monogamous relationships...

Well it's happened to me in the past, but not recently. I think we hang around with a more honourable group of people than some of the trogs I used to know when I was younger.

My cousins husband put the hard word on me once but I didn't say anything. I just told him to fuck off and remember he's married to someone I love very much.

He's cheated on her in the past and she knows about it, but she chooses to stay with him to spite the fact that most of us have made it pretty clear what a loser we think he is at different times. They have three kids and have been together since high school. I guess it'd be hard to leave a relationship like that.

Recently they moved out of the city to the country. My cousin told us girls it was her last ditch effort to save the marriage. We've all been supportive, but we're quietly concerned about the move and whether her husband is going to do the right thing for once.

I said No, but it would really depend on whether I was intending to sleep with him or not.

Always gets complicated when there are kids involved, gotta do what's best for them because they only get one shot at a stable childhood in which to develop.

I would tell my friend. I don't hold with the violatin' of a committed relationship, married or unmarried.

Probably more, because people tend to let any gray areas get that much more gray in poly relationships. There are as many poly arrangements as you might dare imagine. Some are no rules whatever, some are laden with rules. Spousal approval beforehand. Do what you want but you gotta tell. Only permissible when the moon is full the third week of August.

This sort of thing has to be handled with delicacy. As was mentioned before, its just as likely that the person who stood to lose the most when things were revealed would simply assassinate your character, call you a liar and move on. People can often suck, especially opportunistic horndogs.

(This is not directed at anyone in specific, I'm just ranting a bit)

Yes, chances are if you fess up to the friend, you will be blamed by one of them. That's human nature.

However, knowing that this behavior is happening and not informing the friend is wrong. It's not a matter of 'it's not my business'. It became your business when the spouse tried to sleep with you. They involved you, and you are obligated to inform the friend that they are involved with an untrustworthy person. Keeping that back is a lie of omission, and furthermore, you're contributing to the deception being perpetrated on your friend.

Also, think of it this way, for those that worry about the other problems that would occur: What happens when the spouse gets an STD? What happens when the spouse gets pregnant/gets someone pregnant? What happens when the spouse finally decides that strange is all s/he wants? By not informing the friend, the impact is worse down the road. And, to add salt to the wound, you then have the knowledge that you knew and didn't tell the friend so that they could make a choice as to what to do about it themselves.

People deserve to be informed about all aspects of their life. Stop trying to protect or baby others. They are fully capable of making decisions about their life.

If the spouse was a car thief, would you tell the friend? If he were a drug addict, would you tell? If he simply talked shit about the friend behind their back, would you tell?