I often tell my daughter I couldn't possibly be as clueless as she thinks I am.

How about: Yes, has he divorced you yet?

Woulda bin a lie, and I was trying not to :(

Actually said:

Scene: tea-table, philosophy department, 1998, during the Commonwealth Games at which Australia was wiping the floor with all other nations (winning damn near HALF of all gold medals available).

Zengum: Really, there's not much point beating up on tiny nations with tiny GDPs and no sports budget.
New Zealand Colleague: Oh, we have to keep the Commonwealth Games. It gives Australia a chance to pretend it's America.
ZG: Oh, it does something far more important than that.
NZC: Oh really, what's that?
ZG: It gives New Zealand a chance to pretend it's Australia.

Bwahahahaaahaaa. She walked staight into that one.

About 20 years ago I was riding to work on the LL and it was so crowded there was nothing to hang on to so I stood jammed between a whole pile of people with my hands at my sides. The train lurched to a sudden stop sending everyone about two feet. In the jostle my hand slammed right into this woman's ass. She turned and looked at me and said "Fresh."

I gave her a WTF? look and said "Sorry." I mean everyone was thrown in that stop. As we got off the train she happened to go through the exit gate ahead of me and she turned to hold the gate open and saw it was me and she said something to the effect of "Keep your hands to your self."

I rolled my eyes and said "Don't flatter yourself, honey." and brushed past her.

Not up to Dorothy Parker's standards but I hadn't had my coffee yet and it at least left her with her mouth open.

Not verbal, but visual, and perfect IMO.... (if a little dangerous/crazy)

today....
driving, bus in front stopping, plenty of room for me to pull out and go past. Signalled, guy in outside lane floored it, determined not to let me out. I made it anyway (he was maybe 40 yards behind and just starting off from the traffic lights, so there was no way he would ever have been inconvenienced), so he proceeded to lean on the horn and then pull up beside me as I was waiting to turn left (him stopping traffic, still leaning on the horn because I refused to look round)

But I could here him yelliing "fucking bitch...." eventually, I looked round -if nothing else to judge whether he was crazy enough to pull out a gun... and he was all "you missed be by this much, you fucking bitch", holding his thumb and forefinger about 4 inches apart.... (bollocks, his headlights didn't even disappear from my vision in the rearview until I was almost past the bus, maybe he meant i missed his ego by that much, but anyway.....)

Well I was all ready to flip him the bird, but I couldn't help myself. he's showing me this 4 inches and so I shook my head and waggled my little finger. He punched my wing mirror (and failed to do it any damage) and drove off. Guess I hit a nerve? :lol:

I was pulled up at a red light and a car full of yobbos pulled up beside me. One of the blokes pops his head out the window and says, "Hey baby, come and sit on my face!", to which I responded, "Why, is your nose bigger than your dick?"

:thumb:

Working in the financial industry, I sometimes have to contact clients who don't have cash in their accounts to cover the checks they write. In one such instance, I called this lovely lovely client to ask how he wanted to cover the check he had written for a couple hundred bucks, and he tells me, completely unprompted, "For your information, I made more money this year than you'll probably make in your lifetime."
Without pause I responded, "Good for you sir. So you want me to go ahead and bounce this check then?"
I was floored. (All I could think of was "good for you?" I, sir, am an asshat.)

Ex-gf seen at local store and not acknowledged: [My name], don't you even recognize me?

Me: Recognize you, I don't even think about you.