Its day by day, today went pretty well and the meds didn't affect me as badly. So soon I hope...

You'll get there, babes. One foot in front of the other til you're clear.

I'm glad you were able to get back home and get help. We're all with you!

It won't always be like this.

The you-in-the-future will look back on this, from a different place. You can't experience that, but you can know it.

Very true that, Flint.

I have a friend who was in that place, and she's completely better now. The meds will do their job. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other until you get there.

You can do it.

I was at a point where I desperately wanted to run away.
To leave no trace. To disappear. To die somewhere where I would not be known or remembered.

What held me back was my cats. My boys. Not love for them, but logistics. I could not let them be harmed by what I wanted to do. And I had nowhere for them to go to be safe. They would be shut in with no food or water. I wanted to end my human existence but I could not bear for two little cat-brains to be snuffed out. Ho-hum.

Afterwards I think I posted on here, or maybe it was via PM, but Limey told me how painful that would have been to people who knew me. That I could always call on her, call her or turn up (in my memory) if things really were that bad. I never quite reached that stage again, but the fact someone, out of the many wonderful people here, took me seriously and offered a lifeline made a huge difference.

Just one person who gets how much it bloody hurts, and how close you are to smashing it all up is a metaphorical and occasionally a literal lifesaver.

Ask for Dwellar phone numbers if you have to.
You will get some.
If they're too far away to offer practical help they will still be an ear.
I couldn't have got to Limey when things were at their worst. I doubt I could even have called.
But I contacted Dani when things were just falling apart and she came.

Please don't ever think you are alone again.
We care.

Sundae - I'm glad that what I said helped. You never know whether you've done any good by saying you'll lend an ear. For you, always!
And MTP - I do know how devastated your family would feel had they lost you last week. Trust me on that, I know. I was looking out for you on chat the other day :comfort:

Thanks sundae and limey and flint, oh just thanks everyone. I'm tearing up now y'all are so sweet.

I thought about disappearing too, just parking my car, leaving all my personal items behind and walking to a hospital. Spend at least a few days not being me.
Yesterday and today aren't so great. I'm starting to think caffeine is making me anxious and panicky lately so I'm gonna cut it down, but I've been relying on it to keep the drowsiness at bay. I'm drinking green tea now so we'll see how I do.

Some bodies just can't deal with caffeine.
I know - mine can't.

I've deliberately used ot to lose weight before (when I've only needed to lose 7-10lb) and it turns me into a monster.

Even normal caffeine use leaves me prone to migraines and shakes. Sorry, I mean more prone.

If you think you are even slightly sensitive, give a two week ban a go.
I get what you are saying re being drowsy, but that might be because you are having trouble sleeping.

Caffeine gives you a scratchy, startled high at best. Find a taste you enjoy and use that instead. I have de-caff (British Tea) teabags and find I only need one or two cuppas a day now. Or Nettle and Peppermint. And I have a jar of de-caff coffee that I broach about once every three months.

I'm so sorry you went thru that sweetie. Lord knoes you're in the
right place and certainly on the right forum. There is love and
Understanding and strength here.

And what flint said. This too shall pass.

Fucking meds cost too much, don't know how I'm gonna afford them or what I'll have to take instead. Shits all over my recovery though.

Oh MTP that sux big time. I can't give advice from here, but maybe another US Dwellar has some ideas on getting round this problem?

Insurance won't pay for 2 of the meds. I will prob have to change. Which means I start all over.