Well, shit, Toad. Sorry to hear it.

Maybe something good will eventually come of this.

:comfort:

...

I read all this. I read all the posts following too. I re-read this one a couple more times. I'm still... I'm still a bit stunned. Not because I'm surprised this happened or because I saw it coming or anything like that, I'm stunned because I expect things to work well, and when they don't, there's a stop, and a period of re-evaluation. Obviously, I didn't see anything like this coming.

But that ignorance extends far enough to for me to know that I don't know enough to be "happy" or "sad" or excited or relieved or concerned or what... I just don't know. I, too, have some experience at it and my experience included all those reactions and more. Especially the horrible part, UT. I'm really sorry, brother.

tl;dr --> I'm sorry to hear this sad news.

Bummer UT. I'm sorry for both of you. It's never easy, no matter who makes the call. :(

*I* have no grounds to know enough to be "happy" or "sad" or excited or relieved or concerned or what.

On one hand I'm devastated, but having been through it, I'm also sturdier and I know that the emotional roller coaster will stop soon enough.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK! HOW AM I GONNA DEAL WITH THIS!

Even now on day one, I feel like I personally will be better off and especially once I realize that she was coming around to the idea that I'm just some sort of fuckup.

Because I'm not. I am a little on the surface, but deep down I'm solid. I have plenty going for me. I think she just didn't relate enough to me and me to her in some fashion.

(wait the anger is rising a little)

I fucking hate John Mayer now. You know that it's the same goddamn chords and changes, that people have already worked out for 30 years - and he's completely 100% derivative, there's absolutely nothing original to the guy. Actually, no, I'll go further, frankly the entire genre of white guy singer-songwriter is totally fucked out. I would like to never hear another white guy singer-songwriter again. Plus John Mayer may be a douche in real life. I don't know for sure, but it seems like a lot of people think he's a douche.

And you know what -- if you don't "get" the music that I listen to, that's on you. It's some of the greatest music ever written, if you would learn to really listen and pay attention to more than lyrics for a few minutes.

(pant pant pant)

Regarding Footer's comment: Oh you don't like me having beer #3? That's fine, I know you don't like people when they drink. I realize your ex drank, and treated you horribly, and even though I'm not like that at all, I'll just wait until you go to sleep to have #3 and #4. Oh, it's not okay even when you're unconscious? Really? Now we're in a whole weird area and I'm not sure who needs fixin'.

(pant pant pant i'm better now) (maybe I should have said that stuff to her 3 months ago or something)

(it's okay if you, dwellar, enjoy the music of john mayer. we are not engaged)

Sorry to hear J is self-banned from UT.

You know, I never got the whole, 'my ex drank so you shouldn't out of consideration for me'.

If I were to apply those rules to my husband, it'd be, 'my ex cheated on me, so you can't talk to women out of consideration for me.'

Sure if you were a lousy drunk it'd be different, but if you're just having a few drinks and not turning into some kind of raging dickhead, then it's not the same.

Or,

I'm already drunk with your beauty, these are just chasers.

That's a long time to get over. Sorry.

Wow UT, sorry this is your shit to deal with now. I hope you are able to make the best of it. Concentrating on just you could be a really good thing for you.

The drinking thing...it gets me upset now and then too. He knows it because I voice it - I dont like him drunkish, and he gets there starting at the fourth beer. But, I have never givien it a second thought that it would make me leave him, because all in all, he does try to control it.

If however his boys dont get their acts together, I may go live with my Mom for a while...:cool:.

That sucks, UT. I agree with Clod... nobody has their shit together. Not even if they think they do... perhaps, ESPECIALLY if they think they do.

But you know, when a relationship is new, it's good sometimes, because your not-together shit works together in some way.





but goddammit this woman gained 100 pounds during our time together and i was nothing but supportive about whatever decisions she made about it. somehow she still got mad at me and needed me to change. i don't know what a relationship is any more. it's not showing love. whatever that is.

When someone 'needs you to change', they aren't loving YOU - they just have an image of their ideal partner in mind. Not talking about someone encouraging you to stretch, reach for what YOU really want for yourself - just about the myriad tormentors who try to fit their partners into a Procrustean bed that fits their fantasy.

Sorry you got burned showing love. It's never wrong to do; but it can backfire when offered to the wrong person. Sorry.

I used to be a big proponent for the 'you shouldn't try to change the person you love' crew, but there are things about my husband that he should change if he wants to be part of a family that works together, or maybe he should have picked a different wife, or none at all even.

That being said, we all evolve in different ways. Most people are not static in their attitude to life and how they think about things. Most of us are open to change if we can see that it's for our own benefit. I know that in his heart my husband knows he should do some things differently, and he's trying, but it doesn't mean we still don't have conflict over some things. I think I have changed during the course of our relationship, and he has too. We both have a long way to go before we're perfect, but we're trying.

I think it's when you decide you can't be bothered trying anymore that the end comes into sight.

Your relationship with J lasted longer than BOTH my marriages together.

You're not a fucked up, shit-not-together person.

To dig up a really old but really true cliche: whenever I'm pointing the finger of blame at someone, I've got three fingers pointing back at me. I LOVE to externalize my problems on to other people. Food for thought.

Another cliche, it's probably more about her than you.

Some people -when they realise they are unhappy with themselves/their lives- go for the jugular as a quick answer -get rid of everything and all will get better.

Maybe she realised you noticed the 100lb. Probably easier to get rid of you than that.... Maybe you don't care about the 100lb, but if she did (deep inside), doesn't matter what you thought.....