Precisely

All of the heavy thoughts about this job will end... 5 minutes into your time in your next job.

All of this current shit will be magically gone gone gone!!

me and UT are a couple of the (currently) loudest people in your cheering section. it's crowded up here, we're the big guys a few rows up that look like the proverbial "bushy haired stranger" but with big smiles. we high five each other in congratulations about the most excellent comments we make about the plays on the field, both about your moves and the blunders of the blind referees. but we're definitely cheering for you.

now take that ball and run like the wind, bullseye!

Well, not if they're going to be mean. But maybe if they were nice, IM wouldn't object? :D

:)

None of the wigs showed up for the acct meeting.

25 minutes to go. Just a CLUE would be nice.

I think I'll go out for a smoke. I hardly ever smoke at work. But...desperate times.

Good luck hon.

Seemed like a clue:

IntDir: HR will be here so just wait here and we'll come get you when we're ready.

*tick tock torture tick tock torture*

Go in. HR and ID only ones there. Asks questions about project. Another week or so on the project until completion.

Plot Twist: (HR) well we need to talk to each other and also with the Swooper and we will let you know something next week.

Next week when the project is almost completed.

So, no reprive. No idea, still, either way. I am still here, with the possibility of NOT being here by next week. What kind of game is this?

I'm exhausted, mentally. I was prepared for an answer either way. And here I still am, with no answer, no idea, and no faith in the process whatsoever.

Please if there is anythign like a god let me win just a little Rolling Cash 5 or something...something so I can just say fuck it.

I'd really really like to drink tonight but we have my parents' dinner. So maybe after that. Which means I might call in stupid tomorrow. Because really, fuck it. OF course, that would seal my fate and that isn't fair either.

Unreal. :( :( :(

fuckers

The word torture seems rather apt. They are subjecting you to a form of prolonged torment. It's ridiculously unfair.

I don't know how, other than by some supreme act of will, but you have to find a way to decouple your emotional state from your workplace. You feel it deep, because you care. You care about doing a good job and you care what your employers think of you. This is normal and natural and it is unfair that it opens you up to such a horrible onslaught.

You cannot change them. From the sound of things there will be no moment of vindication, or even closure short of walking out of the building for the last time, which will happen sooner or later. For your own sanity, you have to learn not to care whilst you are there. Get your emotional armour in place, and helmet on for the duration. You are stone and steel and they cannot touch you. You are right and they are wrong, and their opinion of you matters less than nothing.

They don't deserve you. You sure as hell don't deserve them. This is a temporary situation. You may not have a date, but it is timebound. Whatever happens after that has to be better than this.

Don't try to figure out the whatifs right now. You're on a path. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other til you are presented with a crossroads. Then make your decisions accordingly.

Stop caring. Kill the hours you're there doing what you can in your job. Then leave it behind when you walk through the door. Whatever they have to say: let them say it. Words, just words. They're proved by their actions that their opinions of you and the work are ridiculous. Their words are meaningless because they are nothing.

The only power they have right now is whether or not they decide to fire you before you are in a position to deal with it. I doubt there's much you can do one way or another to influence that decision.

But you can deny them the effect of that power. That is something you have control over.

Or... imagine that all the veiled machinations are poorly disguised attempts to hide some wonderful surprise from you like a big promotion party! There'll be balloons and cake and a karaoke machine and confetti! It's still unknown, but it's a pleasant thought, it's one that all your efforts can effect exactly the same amount influence, BUT it's nicer to have on your mind hour after hour, minute after minute. You can imagine all the nice presents you're gonna get, imagine your pleasant surprise to get two cards because one wasn't big enough to hold all the congratulatory signatures. Think how the sidler's careful attention all this time was really for the purpose of scoping out your favorite songs so that the music would be made up of your all time greatest favorites, ones you really like to sing along with (hence the karaoke machine, eh? eh?). Think how bad they'll feel when you tell them you were worried, that you knew something was up, but you thought it was gonna be bad. They'll be so sad, they'll cry for causing you so much turmoil. But then another great song will come up and one of them will grab your hand and start to drag you to the microphone, which will make for more laughs because you'd just taken a big bite of cake and as you try to protest you spray crumbs everywhere and everybody laughs.

It could happen. Or not, but it is nicer scenery don'cha think?

I hate to be Debbie Downer. But I've seen this sort of thing in programming groups. I suspect they are waiting to let you go once the project is complete.

I hope I'm wrong for your sake.

IM - I've got to think there's something better for you out there.

same here!

My last week at my last employer, I put in over 100 hours that week recovering from a big problem. Next thing? Buh-bye. Nothing I could to to control THEIR actions, and it was a terrible rejection, thanks for all your heroic efforts, now go away.

It was a terrible blow to me, in every way, but not fatal. That was a pleasant surprise. Though it sounds trite, plan for the worst, expect the best. You'll be prepared no matter what happens.

youse guys are great. and i am amazed at how different i feel now. it's like that moment in a relationship where it's like: i just can't even care anymore.

have an appt with my therapist and am taking the day off. and i didn't drink or anything that was just blowing off steam reaction. i actually feel pretty ok.

thanks everyone. dana, your post really hit a home run with me. :)

Yes, Dana's got it about right. This is what I try to hang on to - you can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it. Mind over matter - you don't mind and they don't matter :D

So come on and let us know, will you cool it or will you blow?

Hug.