I'll bite your toe off.

Ok kids, go outside and play now...:D

Anon -
If you have stayed in this relationship, and intend to continue, please go and get yourself checked for anything that he may have "brought home". Your health, physically as well as mentally, is the most inportant thing now. At some point, you will come to a decision as to what is best for YOU. I hope that you will finally make peace with your situation, one way or the other.

I feel for ya there.


sneaky,caculated...and wanting to try on the playboy role.

I think they already gave pretty good reasons to split.It's a matter of self respect. You were not treated with dignity, respect or honesty so no loyalty should be comming to a scoundrel.

Hi! I'm new to the cellar, I'm living a situation similar to yours (when you opened the post) and I will say something about it in the post of the ring, where the theme was this more or less.

Now, as I feel very close to you, and it's extraordinary how I could have written the things you wrote, I sincerely think you are not in love with this man. Forgive me if I'm brutal, you asked for this at the beginning, and everybody was very sincere in fact! but this is not love. you need him, you can't imagine living without him, his embrace and his smile and his breath and so on, but this is not love. Definitely. And you will see it when you take distance, even if now you're probably thinking I'm a bitch and I don't know anything, and this is true. This is just my opinion. If your nature is not to have an open relation and you force yourself into it, you will only be more frustrated because you won't like it. If you keep going with a man that lies, that simulates so good you had to discover by chance with no one single sign of something going wrong, then there is something big soooo wrong!

I myself, I'm not having the balls to do it, so here in Italy you would say I'm the bull saying horny to the donkey, but still I know it is the only possibility for my life and my dignity not to be destroyed, and I will do act.

We're not kids.... we're 19 year old adult males biooootch :nadkick:

Yeah, you tell 'em. The nerve of nowhereman calling you kids, just because you were acting like children.

VERY rude behavior posting such nonsense in a thread made by someone obviously hurting and asking for help.

Like giving someone with colon cancer a whoopee cushion.

:redface:

Why should he even contemplate life without you? You've shown no to propensity to leave. You've even offered to compromise. He knows he's got you wrapped around his finger.

You say your sex life is great, meaning you're satisfied with it but it would appear he has different standards. I've had many people gush to me how good their life is, with their spouse in the background rolling their eyes.

Or what he's doing on the net he doesn't consider part of his sex life, but a game. Like any other online game, but winning by scoring pictures and proposals. Just a hobby without regard for the emotional toll on his supposedly significant other.

I think that you're probably weighing the possibility of just letting it slide. Weighing what you feel you have vs it's emotional toll.
Don't do it. While you might be able to rationalize the trade off now, there is no guarantee things won't change. It will always gnaw at you and more important, his needs will change.... probably not for the better.

I wish you well.

Cloud are you kidding me, it happens all the time in serious threads. Sorry though...

We regular Cellar Dwellars may "get" it--but she's not. she just came here to get help with one problem, so yeah, I thought it was rude.

I mean--don't you?

I suppose, but same thing happened to me when I first started posting my relationships problems.

At the time, it didn't seem rude but over speculation that point can be made. Sorry for that, but it's behavior no different from anywhere else in the Cellar.

Good thing that wasn't a joke. :neutral:

wouldn't be very nice, would it?

I don't know if it is in my nature to have an open relationship as i have never tried. The idea doesnt excite me on the surface, but i did spend about 6 months with a couple in my early 20's and they taught me alot

I was a little disappointed because i was excited about the solace I would find, but it doesn't upset me. Thank you for looking out. I am hurt and looking for answers.

I found out on Friday and he has been out of town all week working. i have not answered his calls since Tuesday(Monday I was weak) and it is quite difficult. I have tomorrow off so i plan to return his things and get mine before he gets back tomorrow night. I am doing something. Excuse my language ....but it just fucking sucks. I hate that I am in this position and he has forced me into it.

it does, you're right. It fucking sucks.

Hope things work out better for you in the future.

This does suck. You have my absolute sympathy, and I give you kudos for DOING something about it. I made the mistake of letting a similar situation slide in a past relationship and it ended up completely destroying me. You'll be much better off this way.

speaks volumes

Anonymous, Bruce is completely right.
Think carefully when he comes crying to get you back - and you know he will.

If you continue in this situation you will have no right to complain.
This is how he is - he had the chance to "reform" when this came up last year. We said he wouldn't change and he didn't. No amount of "I'm sorry"s and "I love you"s are going to change the bottom line - THIS IS WHAT HE DOES.

I don't mean that to explain/ excuse his behaviour. I think that was your problem the first time round - you wanted to ask us why he was doing it. It doesn't matter why when you get right down to it. What matters is that it hurts you, and it is a reasonable thing to be hurt about. If you can't change to accept his sexual behaviour - and there is no reason you should - then he will keep hurting you.

Write it off.

I agree. I am trying. It ain't easy. Here comes the moment of truth...

I was off today and delivered his belongings to his residence, and picked up mine. We have 2 big items left to exchange that could not be handled in my vehicle.

He has been gone all week working, and I have been successful at not answering the phone and doing alot of self talk to keep calm, focused, and REALISTIC.

He just got off the plane here and both of my phones are ringing. I know what the right thing to do is, I just have to do it.

As upalatable as the whole thing is....I am trying not to puke.

re-reading the responses on this thread might help. We're pulling for you!

Thank you. I need it.

And we still love you, too.

Take as much as you need. Stop by anytime. Heck, you can even hang out if you want. Each of us is in our own separate loooney bin but we average out to normal which means you can't cherry pick - you have to listen to everybody! :)

We've all been where you are too in one way or another. Yeah, it sucks but when you finally do get through it - and you will - it feels great. Pull up a chair and grab a beer. Hang out for a bit.

Now what do I do?
 

Instead of getting off the plane, seeing all your belongings at your house, and doing something, ANYTHING to fight for your relationship....he orders an escort.

Our whole miserable horrifying weekend was spent listening to the man I love come clean with all his indiscretions, and why he does it, and replaying in my head how utterly horrendous and hopeless the situation is and the loss and changes that this will cost both of us a long while into the future.

I just started a new position last Monday and I am not at work today. I am sick and depressed and want to rip the hair out of my head. This is going to cost me my job, my car, my home, my sanity, my ability to trust men in the future. I am an innocent bystander.

He should have to fix this mess ;not me. He should have to pay the price for what he has brought into our lives and down upon our heads. I have enough life challenges to face without this on top of it. This was the nail in the coffin.

I love this man and planned on staying with him for as much as there can be a forever. He feels the same way, and i do believe him. I just cannot be in love with him anymore.

He is sick, and maybe this is his bottom, this is what it takes for him to seek help. Unfortunately, I now need my own help that I cannot afford.

Neither of us have been in this situation and we freely admit it, we also freely admit that we have no clue what to do or how to fix things or how to make the pain and addiction go away, or how to minimize the destruction that will be wrought on each of us because of this.

We are not married, and any commitments we have made to each other are null and void. I am one that does not believe you need a ring and a paper from the state to make the commitment any stronger or any more valid.

He has asked me for help. Do I help him? Am I wrong for making the desicion to split? For better or for worse. Isnt this the worse part?

don't help him, help yourself. Write it off as a life lesson and move the fuck on.

Yeah, help him out. If he doesn't have a significant other, then there's nothing wrong with what he's doing.

I agree that in and of itself what he is doing is not wrong. It is wrong because we have made a commitment to each other, and his actions are hurting me.

I agree with this too, but the burden should be on him. He should have to fix this so I am in a better position to be on my own. Not going to work because I am depressed is not really helping me move on

but by stressing that ITS NOT FAIR and that he should pay, you are focusing on HIM. Let that go, and focus on yourself.

I really don't see that happening do you? You should go to work tomorrow. And the day after that...

Amen!

i'm truly sorry that you are going thru this and none of this is your fault. i don't think this is a sickness, it's his choice. he made a conscious decision to do whatever he has done. (my opinion)therefore, you are not obligated in any way, (doesn't matter how long you were with him) to pay for any thing that has to do with his getting help. my guess would be that he would start some kind of therapy or whatever and in the end still not change. or at worse get involved with the "therapist". you need to put yourself, first, for a change. it's still your call - no matter what.

Only if you let it. Get the fuck away from him... now... immediately. Don't talk to him, no calls, emails, texts, or anything else.

Understand one thing above all, neither he nor anyone else is going to fix it.

You're not exactly blindsided here, so you have to take some responsibility for your predicament. Now you have the responsibility to get your shit together and salvage as much as you can, then move forward.
I wish you well and hope you can recover as quickly as possible. We'll be here for immoral support.

Anon, get away from this man before he damages your self esteem any further. Have nothing to do with him.

ok, i've made it to work 3 days in a row and someone must be looking out for me, because everyday when the spotlight is on me to perform, something happens that allows me to fly under the radar for one more day.

I wish I had something positive to report. I just want to thank everyone for their advice and support. Continue to keep it coming.

This is the hard part.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. After a while you look back and realize how far you have gone. Corny, but true.

*Sends healing energy your way*

You're doing good! Just keep going to work. You don't have to shine, you just have to show up. Just focus on that one goal and everything else can sort itself out.

I admire your strength, anon. Even though my wife treated me horribly for a long time and I knew it was hopeless, I couldn't bring myself to call it quits; I simply loved her too much. Eventually, she left me and I was devastated. In time I came to grips with it all and realized that leaving me was the best thing she ever did for me. This is a terribly difficult time for you, but it will get easier as you go. Be as strong as you can and know that there are many of us pulling for you.

Uisge (who is, apparently, a bar in Glasgow ;)) is right, as is Clodfobble and Glatt. It is hard, but just keep plugging away and you will get through it.

You talked about what you will lose, but think about what you will gain. This is about you, and what you will bring out of this mess. You seem like a good person, and noone can take that away. You are yours!

Keep on keepin' on.

I'd say the lady from Ohio has hit the nail on the head.

The pain is overwhelming. the simplest tasks seem monumental. how do you keep on keepin on? I now have 40 employees looking to me for guidance and direction and I cant do a load of laundry. i am sure i am depressed but do not have the resources to see a professional. any websites or book reading suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

It is hard because I do still love him. I had set the stage for us to talk about anything and everything. Had he come to me with his problem we could of found a compromise, solution, outlet for that urge. I like to think I am calm, fair, intelligent, openminded and rational. I have a huge capacity for sharing, caring, forgiveness, problem solving. If he would of just come to me.....

Now he wishes that he would of. If he had to do it over again he would have. Does this have any bearing on the situation? If I position myself as one who can understand that people make mistakes, then aren't I doing the very thing I said that I wouldn't?

It might help to know that he is 6 yrs younger than I am and hasn't had the life experiences I have had.

I think a part of the problem (one with which I am all too familiar myself) is that you seem to keep looking for a way to fix the problems in your relationship, anon. If I am not mistaken there is, unfortunately, just too big a difference between the two of you. I don't see it as a matter of someone making a mistake, but rather being true to their own nature. The gap between your respective natures is apparently too great.

I understand that keeping on keeping on is easier said than done. The sad fact is that you must find your way to do just that, however. Anyone (family, friends) who cares about you can show support and it would probably be wise for you to take all you can get, not worrying about anything such as "being a burden" to others.

As to depression, I hope others will soon be able to offer something constructive. I know I went through my own, yet it was relatively mild (thank God). I managed to bull through without professional help, but at the expense of spending a couple of years in solitude (when not at work, where I din't have the same sorts of responsibilities that you do).

Keep talking to us as long as it brings you any comfort and help. We really do care.

anon, I feel for you and your pain, I really do. We can all tell you a hundred times that it will get better, but you won't really believe it until you are better. Then, you know what? You'll feel stronger. You'll be proud that you came out on the other side intact. You'll have a better sense of what you want in a relationship.

As to the depression, I think it's normal. If it gets worse and won't go away, or if you are having suicidal thoughts...please seek help. You might find that each day you feel a little bit better. Think about that each day. Ask yourself next week if you feel a little bit better than you did last week, etc.

Keep talking about it, I think it helps you.

I'd say getting to work 3 days on the run is a positive report.....

Do you?

Really?

Why?

And if you can't answer why directly (and how many of us can?), how about what signs tell you that you love him?

How would you argue the point that it's love rather than lust/fear/wannabe-syndrome/relationship-addiction/whatever.....


(not intended as a criticism, more a catalyst to getting over him)

Oh, you want to take all the fun out of it, for him, huh?Horseshit, you've already been down that road, remember? Still looking for an excuse to put yourself through this a third time? Is that preferable to facing the world? Do you really want to slip into the warm and fuzzy cocoon of denial, just to postpone being fucked over again? Life experiences other than being screwed... twice? Other unsuccessful relationships? I think you deserve better than this shit, don't you?
Look, it will probably be a month before you feel any better. That's ten times the three days you made it to work. Even then you probably won't think it's any better, but you'll suddenly realize you're going for 4, 6 maybe 8 hours without thinking about it. And you'll have days you'll relapse and just want to stay in bed. Maybe even do that once or twice, especially around holidays, birthdays, special dates. But you'll get over that too.

Just stay away from him and stop looking for a way to excuse him or blame yourself. You can and will do this.... then live happily ever after.