Jeez I hope I didn't start that. Then again. . . .

hey
 

well. i guess you all got me figured out. yea...i was out smoking a big fattie. what of it? i got high and i watched some cops. which i hate. fucking pigs. phillies lost. now they're out for the series. fuck. gotta go smoke another fattie.

toodles.

charming post, extempor. Charming.

Enjoy!

dang, you missed the window of opportunity. now you have to wait until the next time you get sick of drugs and worthless boyfriends.

it's okay, there will be a bunch of know it alls here to guide you then, too. :lol:

remember to shower today. eat some doritos for me.

Let me tell you something...if you want something badly enough, you'll do whatever it takes to obtain it. You won't make excuses and you won't depend on chance or anyone else to make your goal happen for you.

If you want your child, and one of the conditions is to be clean, then why the hell are you smoking pot? And justifying it by saying it isn't heroin or crack? So what? It's an illegal drug, you can go to jail for buying and carrying it and no judge in his right mind will give a child to someone who may disappear off to jail due to drugs, leaving the child alone and back in the System. If you care more for your child than you do a temporary buzz, you'll get rid of the weed permanently.

Do you think it would be good for your child to see (not literally, but kids 'know' these things) his mom screwing someone she isn't committed to and who isn't committed to her? If you're living with Dudley and making fantastic love to this man who is engaged to someone else, how will you possibly form a stable, loving family unit for your child? Doesn't he deserve that?

Going to the park and making bubble mohawks is sweet, but it isn't all that a child needs. Loving him isn't enough to raise a happy, healthy child. Children need stability and parents who lead by example.

What are you doing to prepare for his return besides getting laid and smoking weed? Let me tell you something about loving a child...nothing, NOTHING in life is more important than what is best for them. Not cock, not alcohol, not a big fat joint, nothing that YOU could possibly want should take precedent over what is best for that life that you brought into the world and whose future you hold in your hands.

I've been abused too, by parents and by spouses, and I know for a fact that you can get healthy, mentally and emotionally. It ain't easy and it will be painful but you can either buckle down and get your shit together or you can keep living in a drug-induced fog to avoid facing your demons. Stop blaming the world around you for your woes and take control of your life. Sweep the shit out the door and start standing on your own two feet. Get rid of the toxins in your world and you'll find life is much easier to tolerate.

Then you may have a shot at getting your child back...and happiness.

Stormie

Thanks Stormie - I agree 100%. You put that very well - much better than I did. I think I was in a mood when I went off, but I fear that our messages fall upon deaf ears.

LOL... Ah don't leave, you were entertaining. :3_eyes:

fuck T.O.
 

E A G L E S yay woohoo we're winning 17 14 in the second. anyway, his fiancee found out we're fucking. she sent me a message on myspace asking me if we were or werent. so i answered her question with a question to avoid the truth....shit im not cheating...well im going to finish watching this game...dont worry my hard drive broke so dudley is getting a new one from work...toodles

:rotflol:

Extemporaneous you are not. Try: Impromptu

I needed a good laugh today... :)

i dont wanna come back down from this cloud
 

i cant keep surrounding myself with nothing real. because i am sick of not feeling real.

Is that stoner-speak for "I'm moving out and making something useful of my life?" I can't tell.

Close. It's stoner-speak for "I'm tired of being high and not being in control of my situation." The moving out and making something useful of yourself part doesn't happen until you're sick enough of it to impel physical movement.

you have to put down the pipe, ex. It's the only way you will fix stuff. Sober, you will become more tired of your situation than you can even imagine.

Hey extemporaneous! Happy to see you back pulling on chains (or something) again! LOL

You birthdays coming up isn't it? :ghost:

Suuuuuuuurrrrrreeeee I was.:cool:

it's four oclock in the fucking morning
 

each day gets more and more like the last day....i havent left the house in a week. for anything. i called to make an appointment and since my job isnt on the books i lose all those wonderful percs ... haha percs ... called benefits. so i called health clinics to see if they have a therapist i can talk to and the closest date is for, get this, november 28. isnt that magnificant. it's like i dont know what to do with myself. i sit here. i think. i cry. i think. i cant sleep. i dont know what to do. UGH. i hate repeating myself. AND IT JUST KEEPS HAPPENING. the last time i went outside i had a panic attack and my nerves are so bad already i just dont want to deal with it anymore. i sit inside and lock the doors shut all the blinds and sit in the dark all day. seriously all day. THERE ISNT ANYTHING "NORMAL" (i know horrible word) ABOUT THAT!?!:worried: i miss my son. and you all are right, im a horrible fucking mom. but to let you know i never call myself mom. because i know. and to plant more seeds of destruction in my fucking warped mind, i actually stopped to wonder if my sons father is doing alright. im a fucking idiot (and yes, you can quote me on that one). now, im waiting on all of these stores to call and tell me that they're not going to hire me. i need to see a shrink, that's TOTALLY understood. how? i dont know. i am cold. i am going to make some soup or eat the left over chinese food, which a chinese person would never eat, and try to fall asleep.
goodnight moon.

This sounds a lot like clinical depression.

Extemp. you could always go to the ER. You need treatment, now, before it gets any worse.

Even though I generally have a rule about not recommending people go to the ER for problems that aren't strictly physical emergencies, I agree with Bri on this. The doctor isn't going to have any problem seeing what's going on if you give him the story you gave us, and might be able to expidite something for you. Tons of people come in for various nonphysical problems anyway and you will be one of the rare cut'n dry cases that they can actually do something for, so go for it.

*standing on soap box*

Mental illness IS an illness.

*off soap box*

Call a suicide hotline...even if you aren't suicidal they are still ppl who are there (supposedly) because they care. A voice to listen too, and (I don't know much about them but) probably a someone who is trained to deal with people who are severly depressed. There are a few national ones if you do a google search.

im pulling for ya extem

sometimes it's good to focus your mind on something else for no other reason that to see another day for your kid sake


It might seem mundane in the light of what you are going through but if you try you might see something that catches your attention. It could be anything. Paintings, music, color , a smell. It could be anything. Be well.


http://www.art-broker.com/artists/coleman/00036.jpg

Addmitting there is a problem is the first step in correcting it. Get the professional help you need wherever you can find it - phone, ER whatever. You, like everyone else have a great deal to offer the world - especially your son!! Making amends for you can begin with getting your shit straight and being the best mom you can be. Show him, through example, that no matter what life throws at you, you can overcome it and succeed. He will, if nothing else, respect you for it. And you will respect yourself more than you know. Respect goes a long way in altering ones attitude from defeatist to success. Go for it and don't let anyone or anything get in your way.

Extemporaneous, if you are for real then you'll get good advice on this forum. They (forum members) diagnosed my depression while I was still in denial and were a factor in me seeking medical help.

It's hard to make responsible decisions when you're self medicating to make the bad feelings go away, but you're not the only person who has been through this. That's not meant in a harsh way - I just mean there are systems in place to help people like you and you are not alone.

Try not to let it all overwhelm you - seeking professional help for the way you are feeling would be an important first step.

Good luck.

Extemporaneous, damn girl. Gonna make me feel bad for razing you. If you are serious then you do need help. Depression is a serious health problem. One that cannot be set aside. Seek help now. You are young and have your life ahead of you. Things will get better but you have to take it one step at a time. Don't try to do to much at once. Just take that first step - first! Then go from there.

And seriously, get off the weed. It's a false reprieve from your problems. The problems are still there even though you may feel better emotionally when you do it.

Good luck to you.

No more razing,

Madman

ugh i just wrote so much shit and it erased it when i tried to post. i dont think it's just depression. onto of my MID i have PPD, most definitely. i dont think it's that im suicidal. i think it's just that i dont like living. so i need to change all that dumb shit that im up to and conform. maybe not conform, but improve. i dont have the internet now....so there might be intervals i dont respond. sorry. im going to make some grub and go to sleep. i'll talk to you guys later...toodles

Take it one step at a time and you'll see that by starting with the little things, the bigger issues will be much easier to deal with. Good luck & God bless

oh yea i forgot
 

well i Do not think i mentioned the fact that "dudley" went ballistic and kicked everybody out...but calls me all day and tells me he cant sleep in his bed without me...blah blah blah...he wants me to sleep over tonight, which i'm probably not going to do unless nothing else comes up. i mean shit, sure i'll stop by and watch some movies drink some beers and get laid. (and i had a penis, it would be less of a 'whore-ish' thing to do....) but i cant help the fact that i love sex. well, i had my friend amanda cut my hair and i'm about to bleach it back blonde. i haven't been blonde in four years. and maybe some pink....and i took out a lot of my piercings. i had two in my face, lower and upper lip, my nipples and my belly button (4 times) and two on the sides of my stomach. all gone. i feel like i lost body parts because i haven't been without them in years....but i always change my look. new person type deal. well, i have to go to the bathroom. toodles

I'm pretty disturbed by extempor. and I'm nobody's role model.

Extemp, if you are really in Philadelphia and you don't have insurance, you can still receive mental health treatment. Take something that will prove who you are, and where you are living ... if you don't have a driver's license or a Penna. Non-Driver ID, take some other form of picture ID and a phone or electric bill with your name and current address.

Start by walking into an ER. If you can get to one, go to a CRC (crisis response center) ... they specialize in emergency psychiatric evaluations.

All Philadelphia residents can have their treatment precertified for county funding by an organization called Community Behavioral Health, which is also the managed care organization for mental health under medical assistance.

If you are waiting as long as until Nov. 28 for an intake appointment, you may have approached the wrong agency. Call Philadelphia Crisis (215-686-4420) and ask them where your local county base service unit outpatient provider is located.

If you are outside of the city, give me the town and county and I'll give you info for the correct crisis center and procedures.

hey
 

yea, im really in philadelphia and i have already been through all that. i have an appointment in late november. which doesnt help any so im probably not going to go. i already tried to get welfare to give me medical insurance so i can go to a shrink...but they denied me. 5 times. im thinking about shooting a bag of dope and asking for a don program. maybe then i'll be seen by somebody. philly is horrible. the only way to get anything from this city is if you are on drugs. and welfare case workers told me that. i smoke weed, and they dont care about weed. i applied at ten gigazillion different places to work...but it's not happening. i have to go put my second treatment of bleach in my hair. :yeldead:

I kinda read through this thread, reading bits here and there, and only because I'm kind of dealing with the same thing. The smoking pot issue at least, which has forced me to deal with a lot of other things that all kind of hit at once. I smoked all day long (whenever I wasn't at work) for a couple of years, and I'm just now starting to come out from under that cloud. What I have found, (and believe me, I feel the same way you do about the smoking aspect) that as much as I was smoking was leading me to feel depressed, and as much as I felt in control of myself I was in all honesty out of control (i.e. doing things outside of my character because I felt like I didn't care anymore). I don't blame anything I've done on the fact that I smoked, I blamed the fact that I smoked on my life. But I was the one making those life decisions so it just became a viscious cycle. Nothing that I'm saying will matter to you I'm sure...all I'm really trying to say is that I know where you're coming from, and how you feel, for the most part...and since I am going to counseling and NA meetings I could possibly have some helpful advice or insight if you'd like it. Let me know.

work, finally
 

well i went job hunting down south street (a place with a lot of stores on one street) yesterday. my old boss lives near, so i was going to stop by and ask him about some work and as i was thinking that i look up and there he was. so thursday i start working again. im watching the new king kong now and im about to smoke a bowl. so i will talk to you later. and i talked to an old boyfriend today online. i met him when i was in a boarding school in 8th grade, linden hall. he went to phelps. but anyway, he lives in michigan now and he's a pro wrestler. for some reason i find that funny. but anyway, i hit yous up later on toodles

work, finally
 

well i went job hunting down south street (a place with a lot of stores on one street) yesterday. my old boss lives near, so i was going to stop by and ask him about some work and as i was thinking that i look up and there he was. so thursday i start working again. im watching the new king kong now and im about to smoke a bowl. so i will talk to you later. and i talked to an old boyfriend today online. i met him when i was in a boarding school in 8th grade, linden hall. he went to phelps. but anyway, he lives in michigan now and he's a pro wrestler. for some reason i find that funny. but anyway, i hit yous up later on toodles

It's great that you found some work again, why do you have to smoke a bowl now? You have a good turn of luck going so don't do anything that might change that. I've had more people than I care to list preach to me about how weed isn't addicting, if not then why in the world are you still doing it now? You know a high is not only just a temporary escape, just like you know how you'll feel after you come down. The only way to feel better is to fight whatever you want to run away from. If you've been feeling like crap over not finding a job till now then prove to everyone what you can do by working hard and being agressive in pursuing advancement. If you think that people are looking down their noses at you over issues with your kid then clean up, hold your head high and look them in the eye next time you go in with paperwork. If nothing else then prove to yourself that you can deal with your problems instead of hiding from them, and I mean PROVE it, no one can really ever fool themselves. Pain is truly the greatest motivator, and failure is the greatest teacher.

extemporaneous, How's it going? I hope all is well for you. Keep setting goals - no matter how small you may think they are. Set them and go for them.

You got some people here hoping for the best for you! :thumb:

For the same reason you masturbate knowing it won't last. Success is the greatest teacher because you learned how to succeed. Failure just teaches you another way to fail. :haha:

birthday
 

well hey guys sorry i fell off. today is my 21 and im up early so i can go out xmas shopping. here's what happened in the past however long:
i moved out of dudley's only for him to beg me to come back (he cant sleep in his bed w/o me blah blah blah) so i visited and then visited some more and then he asked me to move back in with him. so i did. now i have all kinds of things going on. with my son...regardless on who agrees with this or not...he's being adopted by his grandmother. she lives in florida and welcomed me to move there too. so fuck drugs man i havent gotten high in a LONG time. i got a therapist and im slowly changing my life, only because it takes time to make things happen. i am trying to get certified in wordperfect with the help of welfare (dont worry im not taking your money just their job training) and that way i can get a better job than burgerking. i found out my cancer spread, so i have to deal with a bunch of bullshit i really dont even like to think about. that's it in a nutshell. have a great 12/12

I hope you had a happy birthday - as best can be - Good luck to you & keep us posted.

Glad you found some direction, keep plugging away. :thumbsup: