Look for the bigger message the Universe is telling you something.

I'm tired of feeling like this.

But what the fuck am I gonna do? Changing jobs is going to be very difficult.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Oh shit, I woke up again :(

Putting up with your current job seems to me to be very VERY difficult. Take your entitlement of holiday time. Plan to make your move. And go.


Sent by thought transference

I am so sorry you feel like this :(


Sent by thought transference

*sigh* so am I. I'm kind of scared by it. So I'm playing this....

Watch Office Space when you get the time.

Happy to report didn't feel like this today. despite being in excruciating pain on waking. Must've had some unremembered hideous nightmare or something just befoer I woke yesterday .

Monkey, all my energy is going into hoping your day is a complete turnaround today. I wory about you.

I'm pleased to see you're in a better state of mind today, monster.

Shawnee, hang in there.

I'm glad for monster too.

I went out for pizza with my family last night which was good.

But I am so paranoid here. Everything I do, I'm waiting for this giant presence to loom before me yelling "WRONG. THAT IS WRONG. YOU ARE WRONG. YOU ARE NOT DEDICATED. YOU ARE NOT COMMITTED."

I rushed in for an 8 am meeting and ran the half mile to the IT dept and...no one was there. walked all the way back to the office thinking it's a trick. Well, it was rescheduled for tomorrow then rescheduled again for Thursday. Which I would know if I had all my important life-depending work minutia on a blackberry I guess. No, I'm not that committed. I'm nobody.

She purposely gets my title wrong, btw. Uses 'assistant' rather than 'analyst.' She does little things to jab at me. It probably sounds all paranoid but I'm pretty good at picking up on catty things women say or do, or pointed statements meant to convey a deeper meaning.

So, since she dropped that she and Int D have a meeting with the head of HR...and in light of all that she's said to me lately, I'm sure I will be on a H.A.T. (I'm making this non-googlable: it's Horrective Action Trocedure) which they do if they have even an inkling they want you out. It doesn't always end that way, but for my friend who went through two rounds with the crap (they hadn't tortured her quite enough, or hadn't yet convinced the lawyers they'd sufficiently beat her down and made her look sufficiently incompetent) until they finally showed her the door.

Decisions, decisions.

I think you need to take some more time off for work related stress.

That isn't going to happen. No way is she going to approve any time off for me. I had all that fun with my broken ass back and then my stint in the bin...that's just not fair for me to have all that fun.

And it's all still here, still the same, when I get back.

No, I didn't say ask for a holiday, I said take time off for work related stress.

She is compromising your recovery. You just had to spend time in the cuckoo's nest. Nobody there is going to thankyou, or appreciate you for continuing to struggle under the weight of it all and in the face of outright bullying. They'll just keep it going until you break, leave or are fired.

If you just go off sick now. Get in to see your doctor and get it recorded that you are suffering from stress induced ill health, what is the worst that can happen?

This is true. I can't find the date of my next appointment. It might be in my car in my Looney Trapper Keeper (not really a Trapper Keeper it just likes to feel important, as we all do...it's more of a folder.)

But yes, it is obvious that 1) My ill health is a joke to her, a non-thing, a weakness. 2) She wants to break me...she watches me when we meet one and one and watches my face and pushes in the knife when she's found the soft spot. 3) She is counting on my mental state to drive a 'walking out' on my part.

She isn't going to get her way. I won't walk out. She will have to fire me. Also, I'm counting on therapy to help keep me focused as to not breaking.

DIVERSITY! The calls rang out. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. WE MUST LEARN TO RESPECT AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND OTHERS. WE MUST MAKE ALLOWANCES FOR ILLNESSES AND DISABILITIES. WE ARE THE GODDAM WORLD AND WE ARE DETERMINED TO GIVE EVERYONE...EVERYONE...A CHANCE TO BE BETTER, TO GET BETTER, TO DO BETTER...unless'n we ain't gonna see no glory from it. Unless it ain't gonna make the papers like "Look what ONE person is doing to make lives better."

Unless your diversity is something someone finds loathsome. Unless your illness or disability doesn't yet fall into the realm of Society Goes Gung Ho For the Latest Illness. Unless someone labels your illness shameful.

Big. Giant. Hypocrisy.

I am going to start keeping notes again, better notes. Compromising my recovery is a very good point. I will talk to Lynne about it when I go back to see her.

Thanks Dana. :)

Never mind notes. complain. every time. make them keep the notes.

Or some happy medium. But get it documented by others as often as possible.

I know that pain. Your illness is a 'fake'. You are NOT depressed, or alcoholic or suffering from PTSD---YOU ARE WEAK! You can control alcoholism, you can THINK yourself to health! PTSD? What are you? Some kind of coward/loser? Oh, I know it. Wolf has a very similar reaction to junkies----she can't stand them, they seem weak-willed to her and perfectly capable of just saying NO. (thank you, Nancy Reagan) brain chemistry gets FUCKED UP over prolonged periods of stress, drug and alcohol use and so on. the brain is plastic and NOT STATIC. Wires get HARD wired into it; it mutates itself; it re-sets itself to the new norm. Pisses me off, really.

She's out to break you----I've had two bosses very much like her. One got fired and the other---after I left (calling them all thugs to their fucking faces) had her institution close down. I'd get a lawyer. And make notes. Detailed; no matter how insignificant the matter may seem. patters is what we looks for precious. Patterns.

also====if a doc writes you off work----can't you be off work?

they won't keep any notes. They'll round file everything. After they've shredded it.

Does your phone have a voice note recording feature? You should turn it on before any meeting you have with HR or your boss, and slip the phone into your pocket out of sight.

Ohio has a one party consent law, which means that you can record any damn thing you want as long as you are a party to the conversation. You're consenting, and that's all you need. Your phone's memory will eventually fill up, so you need to figure out how to back up those voice notes off your phone and then delete them from the phone to free up space.

Can'r you ask for a copy when you make a complaint? I thought that was the point?

that's interesting. And kind of scary. but seems like it might be a good approach here....

OHIO is a scary state. It's close to being a Nazi state, really.

the local cops (oh, all my good buddies) are all megalomaniacs with inferiority complexes.

get a bigger memory microsd card. 32 gb for $30 will hold a VAST amount of recording.

You're a smart girl Infi you will know what to do. :thumb:

No, I won't.

I was looking online at jobs at nonprofits, at jobs at the zoos or the parks. I can travel great distances for 10 bucks an hour no bennies, or I could be a nurse for a nonprofit (but I'm not a nurse) or I could use a time machine and take that part timey zoo job and start a career as a kid that, by now, I'd probably have a decent place in.

There is nothing out there, nothing I can survive on alone.

I'm sorry Infi. I don't really know exactly what you do. The only thing I qualify for is animal husbandry. When people stop eating meat I am fucked :thepain:

Oh, I'm just in such a funk. All the things I love to do, pay nothing.

"I can see why you may be confused about my title since Assistant starts with ASS and analyst starts with ANAL, but after that the similarity ends. But I do like the way your mind works. *wink*"

Just an idea.

I bet your hubby must be making secret donations to PETA in that case.

snorted out loud

One of these days. I will get to say that one of these days.

Attachment 42903

:)

I am TOTALLY stealing that.

SonofV is even studying that industry in school. Very hopeful parent indeed.

Amen. Let me know when you get in the sandbox. I can send some great cigars for you & your section.

Another stab of Shame and Humiliation. Not even worth recording. Just more of the same, more of the shame. It's almost daily, now.

Dana is right: bullying, attempting to thwart any attempts at getting better.

I don't get it. Yes I know I need to take action. I know. Goddamit. I know. :(

PS I am going through these techie manuals and slowly finding my own way past the errors that have been occurring. I just recovered a bunch of virtual monies.

Way to go monkey. Way. To. Go.

Maybe I can plan a party and be showered with love and adulation.

Frying pan into fire?

Job and Family Services has an opening. My buddy came from JFS before we hired her at my previous job.

It would get me out of here. Bennies. Less driving. I'd be working with a lot of the same types of clientele I see now.

I'm going to at least apply.

EXCELLENT!!

Agency feels goooood, don't it?

I'm already talking myself down. It's a supervisory position. I've had supervisory experience, sure, but it'll probably go to a long-timer.

No. No. No.

I WILL try. I was just saying how come people can ask 'god' or the universe for a sign and report later getting it? Maybe this is what I asked for?

Please apply for the job. You've had supervisory experience, and maybe they're looking for a fresh eye on things :)

Thanks. :)

I'm already fretting. But I will try. Can't get it if I don't try.

A lot of times, supervisory positions go to new folks from outside the organization.

That's true. I am finding myself with the 'not good enough don't even bother' thoughts. Remnants of an abusive relationship and now an abusive (or at least, not conducive to my self-esteem) work environment. I'm overthinking it already.

S'ok...I have an appt with my therapist tomorrow. ;)

And:

Then you have the Int Dir...who just made it a point to stop and congratulate me on what I accomplished yesterday.

THAT's a manager. Maybe he sees how I'm being treated. Or he's just that nice. It was sure nice to hear something positive.

Managers love it when you bring money in. Shit like that is black and white, and even an inept one should be able to see the numbers. It's pathetic that the evil boss didn't say anything positive.

because evil boss is evil.

Or maybe he can see how good you are, or was impressed as fuck with you managing to recover those virtual monies. Sounds to me like you're now so conditioned to negative feedback that any positive feedback has to be taken in the context of that negativity. Actually, telling someone they've done a good job when they just managed to recover previously lost monies is the normal thing for a manager to do.*




* or indeed for a human being to do. Don't have to be more than averagely nice to praise the results of good work.