Joyous. So he's the kind of guy that took advantage of a fat chick who probably really liked him and dumped her after?

Nice guy.

Have a happy life.

By their nature all puns are stupid.

This one happens to be quite hilarious.

You're just pissed of that it VOOOMED over your head and you missed it.

People with fucked up name spellings, particularly females, tend to have a high incidence of mental health problems, especially borderline personality disorder.

We've noticed the same thing for people born too close to Christmas too, Christmas day being a very high correlation to crazy.

(Anecdotal evidence only. No controlled study performed)

EDIT: Come to think of it ... stacey shouldn't have an "e" in it ...

Re: this is Mr. StaceyV
 

You were stoned when you met her.

Explains a lot.

I didn't know Russians had souls?

arsen is a common male name in russian, and it is the correct, proper spelling.

the fat chick was a one night stand, she didn't like him. everyone is entitled to a one night stand, that doesn't bother me at all.

Why do you believe everything he tells you except "I love you?"

what would he have to gain by lying about his name?? nothing
what would he have to gain by lying about the fat chick he had a one night stand with? nothing... it's not a pretty story...
what would he have to gain by telling me he loves me? greencard, meals, personal accountant, personal hairstylist, personal shopper, sex, a nice person to be around for two years...

please stop.


please.


i can't take this anymore.


i'm unsubscribing from this thread.


i need a shower

lol No, Soviets didnt have souls.

I'm speechless. I honestly feel like... well... it's kinda like when you go to the circus, and you pay to see folks in the "Freak Show". When you finally see the show you're so mortified by the sight that you want to walk away.

But for some reason it's so damn enthralling you just can't pull your eyes away. :eek:

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

When do the nazi miget tattoo lesbians come on stage?

NO, it's just life, is what it is... and we're all just trying to get through it.

Stacey isn't here looking for attention. She may be dramatic, but that's because she's an intensely emotional woman. She may be confused, but we're all confused, and why does that not entitle us to support or a little respect? She may like a little attention, but she doesn't desperately demand it like Luvbugz or April. She may be controlling, but she didn't come here trying to confirm her own approach to the situation.

And she is willing to put her story out here, and she knows that she may take a few hits in the process, and you have to respect that. Partly because it's rare, and partly because that sort of sharing should be what this place is all about, at least in an ideal world.

I think some of you have not read the whole thing carefully, and shame on you if that's the case and you insist on being flippant with your opinions. No matter what else is going on here, no matter who's right and who's wrong, no matter if it's "Springer-esque", no matter if you think you would never get into such a situation, no matter if you think S and/or Mr. S are being stupid, there are human beings in the balance here.

May you all be so lucky not to encounter this kind of confusion in your own lives. But some of you who think you're immune are going to wake up to a big ball of it some day.

And by the way, when you do, you're STILL welcome to bring it here... desperately hoping for some level of respect, and for some words that will help you work it all out.

amen. and now i am unsubscribing to this thread, too. i want to leave with undertoad's message being the one that i take with me.

That's a nice sentiment UT, and I agree.

But! Mr and Mrs V, it is so very risky to seek the opinion of uninformed outsiders on delicate situations like this. We don't really know either one of you well, nor where you're coming from. There is no way you can convey all of the pertinent information, there's a huge quantity of it, and much of it is abstract. Any advice we may offer is tainted by filling in the story's very large holes with experiences from our own lives.

For instance! I immediately identify with Stacey. I was involved with a Russian woman a few years ago, and after a time I became aware of a number of lies and half-truths, about some pretty important things, which she had led me believe. It was a shitty set of revelations... I felt used, betrayed, embarrassed, and naive. I became certain that she had no feelings for me, she wanted only to use me for citizenship and money. But she insisted that she loved me, and she sobbed broken glass when I ended the relationship.

So, the advice I instinctively want to give is, "The sooner you leave him, the less damage will be done." But what if Stacey, im a temporary attack of anxiety, has been a manipulative, emotionally blackmailing control freak, and Arsen were a genuinely nice guy, genuinely in love, who has long since let go of the former fling? That would make my advice, as well-intentioned as it may be, quite poor. And it could widen the rift between them, and help push it to the breaking point.

My point: Stacey and Mr. V.... if the two of you are incapable of resolving this problem on your own, seek professional, unbiased help from a therapist rather than well-intentioned but grossly underqualified and uninformed help from friendly strangers. A marriage is too important a thing to risk destroying with bias-polluted advice. Really.

The way I see it, Stacy approached the board looking for help and advice. She explained her situation. People gave her honest and good advice.

She explained some more about her situation. People repeated the same advice as before - which boiled down to get professional advice, and either completely forgive him, or end the relationship.

She kept explaining more of the situation. We hear the same advice given. By this point she has gone to get professional help, so this board has in fact pushed her to do something positive.

She keeps explaining more of the situation. By now what we are hearing is such deeply personal stuff it is making people cringe. Really, the best advice everyone has to give has been given by this point, real discussion is being more and more interrupted by snide remarks and wisecracks

She keeps explaining the situation. Now her husband is introduced, and we get tons more personal stuff. By now, we are far into freak-show territory.


Stacey, this is the only advice I have to give you, I think you have mined this board for all the advice and help you can get. I suggest you either approach people privately for more help, or finally make that big decision one way or the other before coming back here for more advice. This is of course my opinion, and others may think otherwise.

I honestly wish you the best.

Nice speech, UT. BUT, I think she's getting screwed. It may not be vindictive or even intentional, but it's happening.
I'm a Libra. On one side of the scales I put all the information they gave us and the other side gets all the other relationships I've seen or lived. I form an opinion which is all any of us can give. It's not good.:(

he has insurance through the car dealership he works at. i already went by myself last week, and we are going together on tuesday. so, i guess we are doing something about it. it didn't accomplish anything for me when i went. i sat there and talked a mile a minute for an hour, and then we made an appointment for next week. he didn't say much, except that arsen has the emotional maturity of a 16 year old and that i am high strung and that i need therapy of my own outside of marriage counseling - no shit, sherlock.
arsen is continuing to treat me with love and kindness. he is always kissing me and saying he wants his wife back. he doesn't want a greencard deal, he wants me to love him like i used to...
eva and i are communicating through e-mails. she says she wants to be my friend, that i should be there for arsen and love him like a mother, etc. she says she will pray for our marriage and she will not write to arsen unless he writes to her first.
i want to love him and forgive him. i've already decided to stay. i am just having a hard time with it. i don't seem to have feelings anymore. i am numb. i can have sex with him, but it's cheap and shallow. i cook for him, but it doesn't make me happy that i'm doing something nice for him. and anytime i hear a song on the radio from when we were dating and falling in love, it makes me sick. our past is shit. i don't feel warm when he holds me and when he says sweet, loving things, i don't listen. so, i guess this is what i'll address in therapy. i really want to repair us, and i am hoping that someday my feelings will come back. and, we ARE doing something about it. p.s. i am a virgo too.

Stacey, it sounds like you have a lot more going on emotionally than just issues related to the marriage.

Go to a therapist, and NOT the same one that you are using for marriage counselling.

Stacey, it sounds like you are really making some positive steps toward resolving some of these issues. It will probably be tough for a while, but you are resolving yourself to fixing the problem, right? I admire your persistence.

one more thing, since i have decided to stay, i am now worried that i am such an emotional basket case because of all of this, that i'm going to push him away. i have to find a way to heal and to forget about all of this, and it seems to be the hardest part of all. i know that if things are going to work out, i need to stop thinking about it, get the fuck over it, and love him, but i don't know how to go about doing that. i can't sleep at night, i wake up all the time from nightmares, i am tired, i feel sick, i rotate between sadness, numbness, and anger all day. i just want to get over it and forget about it all. i don't want to push him away and ruin our relationship if he is sincere about his love, and i think he is. i wish i could take lumberjim's advice, and go sit on his lap and love him, trust him, and forgive him 100% and get our life back, but i am just a wreck..wolf, you're right about me needing separate therapy..i wish the insurance would cover that.

The insurance should cover that. Couples services are usually considered separate from individual.

Now your plan does probably have both yearly and lifetime caps on the number of sessions you can have ... check your plan booklet.

If they won't pay for you to go to a totally separate provider, is there another therapist within the same practice that you could also see? And schedule things such that you're only using their services about once every other week ... so you get a couples session then a private session, etc.

The amount of time you spend in couple's therapy may ultimately be shorter than the time you spend in individual. That's okay.

Oh, and you'll never forget. Don't obsess over it. The past cannot change. It's how you relate to your past and experience your present that counts.

And therein lies the crux. She came asking for advice regarding her relationship. The problem is that you simply can't be in a healthy/trusting/lasting relationship until you're settled within yourself. So no matter what advice she received regarding the marriage, it's all a moot point until she can fix her internal issues.

Healthy in, healthy out.

Oh, and I wish you luck with insurance in regards to therapy. They all preach about their great coverage, but when tested you'll find they only cover a few visits, normally enough to get you through a month or two, and then *poof* that's all until next year. To really get anything out of therapy you need to go for a solid chunk of time. So if you really want help you'll probably have to spend out of pocket. :(

i am confident with myself. i know i am a good person, i respect myself, i have talents and abilities, i am intelligent, blah blah blah. yeah, the psychiatrist says i need extra therapy because my mother treated me like an unwanted pain in the ass during childhood and she was a bad role model. but as an adult, i've read a lot of psychology/self-help books, i have overcome all that shit...i need the extra therapy mostly because arsen is the true love of my life and i am a basket case over reading those letters, and i hate my fucking job...that doesn't mean i can't have a lasting, fulfilling relationship. i know who i am...and yeah, insurance sucks. this one will pay for 30 visits a year, but we're switching to an hmo next month...god only knows what will happen. now, no more posting drunk for me. see you tomorrow when i'm sober.

If your therapist wants to treat you primarily for the way your mom treated you as a kid ... change therapists.

You need REALITY ORIENTED THERAPY focusing on your current issues and needs.

In my thoroughly unprofessional opinion, I see a woman tortured by her past but who has a fundamentally sound psychological infrastructure. Sorry to sound so clinical but just callin' it like I see it. In my opinion, the news is good because while you might have some serious issues personally, your "core" is solid. If push comes to shove, blow off the marriage therapy for the personal therapy. Work through the "my mom is fucked up and fucked me up in the process (join the club)" and I guarantee the Arsen issue will pick up some serious clarity. I don't see how a couples therapist can help if you are still F'd up (I don't mean that in a bad way - just that you come first, the relationship comes second and the relationship will never be better than your own state of mind).

Don't be in a hurry, tho. These things take time. Don't be surprised if, in the process, you outgrow some things that you now regard as indespensible.

Your passion is admirable.

question
 

So I am new this place and I just have a couple quick questions to Stacie how old are you and how many real relationships have you been in that have lasted over 6 months? I am not trying to instigate an argument I am just curious I have read most of the posts about the relationship and this has never really been brought up at all. (if it has I am sorry I just didn't find it)

Read THIS thread, Nekee.:)

Quoting mrnoodle:

... I don't care how miserable you think your existence is, I don't care how you define love. When you marry someone, you are making a vow. You are promising them, in the presence of signed witnesses, that you are now taking the sacred responsibility of tying your life to theirs. This means that without the express consent of your life partner, you may not engage in a romantic relationship, a sexual relationship, or any other form of relationship with another person. And for those about to call me to task on this, you know what the fuck I mean. I'm not talking friendships, I'm talking mushy you-complete-me letters, secret meetings, etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum.

If you can't live up to your side of the marriage, don't get married. If you have any other reason other than undying devotion for getting married, you have the obligation to make damn sure the other party knows it in advance so they don't fuck up years of their life trying to figure out why the hell they can't make you happy. It's worse than mismanaging your love life. It's being cruel to someone you purport to love. That's not acceptable, and it sickens any right-thinking person.

------

If you think the relationship you had with another woman while you were married is proper and appropriate, then no amount of yelling at you will change your mind. You need to stop defending yourself and figure out why you are cheating. Your dick does not need to get wet to constitute cheating. It's a state of mind. That's my opinion, at least, and you certainly don't have to share it.

You also lose your privacy when you get married. If you have nothing to hide, there's no reason why both of you shouldn't have access to every file on your computer. Why the hell shouldn't she read them?

I realize you're on the defensive, but you should be. If you still long for a private life, don't be married. You're still trying to sugar coat this, and not all of us fall for bullshit. I've seen enough cheating people to see the signs of guilt, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if you were still doing it with someone. Not sex per se, but contact with this woman or another woman. You don't have the demeanor of someone who realizes they have done wrong and are taking steps to correct it. You have the demeanor of someone who is just sorry they got caught, and is trying to spin the situation in their favor.

end o' quoting mrnoodle...




All I can say is, BRAVO! I think that you expressed the reality of commitment in your early posts amazingly well. I feel the same way about cheating, but could never have posted my opinion so succintly and so...just...WELL. Regardless of whether he's an ass or not, your expressed views were a joy to read. You rock.

Never been accused of being succinct before. Take that back, damn you. :D

You can't make me, so there.

How bout if I modify it? Succinct, relatively speaking.

Better?;)

nekee, i'm 27. i had a five year relationship with my ex-husband starting at age 15. then i had a 2 1/2 yr relationship and broken engagement with a guy i dated from age 21. my ex-husband cheated on me, verbally abused me and stole my money, ruined my credit, threw hot water on my cat, and locked it in the closet one day. psycho, alcoholic asshole. the other guy was jealous, controlling, and very needy. he was also addicted to porno, wacking off, cocaine, ecstacy... i've had 3 or 4 six month relationships, too. arsen has treated me better than any guy i ever dated, and i've had quite a few boyfriends that treated me well, but didn't last long, because i wasn't ready for a relationship with them. i've done a lot of work on myself since the last dysfunctional relationship i was in.

Babe, look at it this way...people will only treat you as well as you let them know, verbally or nonverbally, that you expect to be treated. Relationship problems can always--well, usually--be fixed, as long as both parties are willing to work at it. The problem is, too many people opt for the easy way out. Relationships are never easy, and people make mistakes. It's how they deal with mistakes that makes the difference. If you two really love each other, I say work on it. Good luck to you, sweetie. My fingers are crossed for you that things turn out the way you want them to.

Sidhe

Stacey, you have more than a lot of shit to work on. Get thee to a therapist, pronto.

But find out if he is alergic to corn oil before you start the sessions.

I'm late, but I'm just reading this now...my god!

Quote:

Stacy, whatever you decide to do, DO NOT GET PREGNANT!

I agree. Please, please, please don't bring a child into this dysfunctional situation. :mad: That would be one of the most selfish and inconsiderate things you could do at this point. If you feel the need to be a mother, wait until you are as "whole" as you can be (whether it's with this particular man or not), and then decide from there.

Make sure you do a decent amount of planning first.

Ooooooooooooooooo!!!! Neato! Japanese anime? I love it! :D

i have NO intentions of having a kid. i want to wait at least 5 years, or maybe longer if i'm with arsen, or, maybe never...but don't you worry about that.

Ah, but I do. I do worry about people bringing children into unhealthy households, because more than likely, that child will leave home and unleash themselves on society as dysfunctional adults (I quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of dealing with such folk).

But, good for you for waiting. Good luck.

O. MY. GOD. I don't think I've ever read a more self-centered comment in my entire life. Someone ELSE's life is garbage. Some poor CHILD is born into a tumultuous homestead. And all you can say is, "your maladjusted child might annoy me".

Nice.

Tumultuous homestead? Try dysfunctional group that wouldn't even qualify as a family.
Maladjusted child? More like hoards, armies of screwed up monsters that will, without a second thought, take your property, security, peace of mind, liberty and even your life.

So I take it we can count you among those who are into the whole victim mentality thing, then?

Fucked up households churn out fucked up people, who in turn churn out more fucked up people. What's wrong with LS saying that, and what is wrong with saying that fucked up people are annoying? They are, and all the goddamn sympathy in the world isn't gonna change that. It isn't self-centered to point out obvious fact, and state how one feels about it.

No one can fix a damn thing about anyone until the person with the problem takes responsibility for it and works on it. No one ever got fixed by saying "I was an abused child, it isn't my fault." I'm sure that Rho has contributed to United Way somewhere along the line, or dropped a buck into a Salvation Army kettle to help fund drug-treatment and psych programs. What else do you expect her to do? Open her home and comfort the very people who would, as Bruce notes, fuck her over at the first possible opportunity.

That ain't the way the world works.

Someone's maladjusted child annoys me on MORE than a daily basis.

I think LadySycamore made a perfectly reasonable statement.

The selfishness is on the part of the parent(s) of the maladjusted little shits.

Erm...no. Those are YOUR words/interpretation/assumption. What I DID say was this:

Gyah, I HATE being misquoted...sigh.

Oh, and um..by the way, I didn't say anything that many others either have already said, or what they are thinking (and perhaps not brave enough to say).

Bruce said:
Precisely. The last thing I want to do is to be looking down the business end of a gun at the local store, and behind the trigger is some kid who's Mom is a crack whore and Dad has disappeared (or if he's around, he's not much of nothing), and was probably abused for most of his/her life. I know people who have had this type of life (or something similar to it). My best friend from high school was abused as a child by an uncle, and the family was in denial about it for years. It affected her future relationships with men...she would end up with losers galore! (I mentioned one of them in another thread). As her friend, I had to put MY life on the line for her ass so that she wouldn't get killed by one of these fools. BUT, the thing is...she was with him for TWO YEARS! Plenty of time to leave that situation, and try to improve her own, but noooooo! And she's been that way for years and years. *shakes head*

Ep said:
Once again, you rule! ;)

{sistahgurl}Oh haaail naw!!!!{/sistahgurl}

But seriously, I have been fucked over by some of those folk. I have done various things to "help out" with their individual situations, only to find out that they just recycle old bad habits and get into more messes. After years of dealing with that, it was time to let those people go. I was putting too much effort into them, and not enough into "fixing" me.

So, people can call it whatever the hell they want. I no longer want to deal with the bullshit, and that's.my.choice AND my RIGHT.

bad relationships = bad families
bad families + kids = bad kids
bad kids = bad adults
bad adults + relationships = bad relationships

it's a circular equation

we need a good plague.

oh, yeah, we have one. but when the government designed it, they targeted drug users and faggots. they should have gone after assholes....but i guess they saw some personal risk in that enterprise.

[/paranoid]

These days I'm not sure if i'm posting on cellar or a script forum for The bold and the beautiful

All we need now is dave to come along and marry stacyv.

I'm with lumberjim

Undertoad's, All My Children.:haha:

i wouldn't bang any man of april's.

LMAO!! At least we don't have to try to figure out "who's the daddy" of anyone's baby! :haha:

creeps away to watch B&B...

i wouldn't cheat on him at all...i guess that came out wrong. step into my brain for a moment- this is what i was thinking of as i fell asleep last night:

"our history to me, our shared memories and past, used to be like a beautiful field of flowers to me. after i read those letters, it is like a herd of elephants trampled over that field and took giant elephant dumps all over it. now when i think about our history, all i see is elephant dung, and i can't see under it to see the flowers. THAT's how i feel."

that is the most charming, witty remark i have ever seen or heard of.

*shrug*

Awighty. If no one else sees any problem with what LS said, then I'll cede the point, it's really not that important.

I wasn't trying to argue from some sort of "victim mentality" perspective. I'm literally the biggest detractor of that argument. Further, I completely agree that bad homes create bad children. What's more is that I find them pretty durn annoying too. But at the same time I think it's tasteless decry someone's problems in a public forum, and directly to their face.

My office-mate is an old-timer who's been a smoker for 20-30 years. He quit a year ago for health reasons, but he still coughs and hacks from time to time. And yeah, it can get annoying when I'm trying to talk on the phone and suddenly there's a coughing fit in the background.

I don't pity his health since he made the choice to smoke for all those years. But I do pity the tough situation that he's in. It's annoying for me to listen to that coughing, but at the same time I'm sure that it's much harder on him since he's the one living with those problems. It's my minor annoyance, it's his rough life. I just think that pointing out another person's plight which annoys you is... well... rude.

UPDATE 3/2/04
any of you who have been following this whole story know about the agreement arsen and i made to help me rebuild my trust in him. one of the agreements was "arsen will bring stacey with him when he goes out or not go out" this was his idea, and i felt it was a little over the top, but since he was all for it, i was impressed like, "wow, he really will do anything to regain my trust!" so anyway, last night, he comes to my job and i buy him two beers. then he says he is going over "the russian's house" (where around 10 or 12 of his friends live and they're always drinking vodka...) i said "oh, did you forget about our agreement? you said you would take me with you, remember?" because, hey, even if it IS unreasonable, he DID make that agreement and until it is amended, he should stick to it! so, he says "oh, you're right. okay, i will go home and watch tv. call me when you're done working"...WELL, i called him 20 min later, and he never went home. he came to pick me up from work, and he was like "yeah, i went to the russian's house". IS THAT HOW YOU REGAIN SOMEONE'S TRUST? by lying? breaking the agreement that was put into effect for the sole purpose of regaining my trust? okay, it's not such a huge ofense that he went to see his friends, and i agree that the agreement was a little unfair, so he should have TALKED to me about that, TOLD me that he thought it was unfair and that he wanted to go there by himself, but no, instead he lied to me and did whatever he wanted. And i really was trying to get over all of this. this is like the last straw. it reminds me of when we both discussed whether or not to get health insurance. we AGREED to wait a year, so we could pay off some debts with that $130 a week. he was all for that. "okay, we will wait a year." what did he do? he signed himself up for health insurance the next day. he didn't call to let me know he changed his mind or try to tell me he wanted the insurance. nope. he's a lying, untrustworthy sack of shit that i was unfortunate enough to fall in love with, because love is blind and i am the biggest blindest fool of them all, well, not anymore. the light is really hurting my eyes now.

Yes...the tough situation he put HIMSELF in. It wasn't like he could not have stopped that from happening. And he probably knows it.

Quote:

It's annoying for me to listen to that coughing, but at the same time I'm sure that it's much harder on him since he's the one living with those problems. It's my minor annoyance, it's his rough life. I just think that pointing out another person's plight which annoys you is... well... rude.

Apple and oranges. His coughing will not affect your life in about 10-20 years. A child raised in a dysfunctional home and grows up without any type of counseling WILL affect society in some way, shape, or fashion. Robbery, anyone? Theft, anyone? School shootings, anyone? Thanks, but no thanks. This is why professionals constantly tell people to break the cycle (of violence, of abuse, of whatever), so that the next generation of kids won't be affected by the adult's problems and pass it along to THEIR kids. I mean, how long do you honestly think society is going to put up with such madness?