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don't make me post the re-buttal for sam-the-clam.. humor here in n.w. georgia seems to rely on pee/pooh jokes and I'm to tired to come up with something
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Letters to Santa
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa ***************************************************** Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa **************************************************** Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa **************************************************** Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky Dear Mark, First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa |
Handy self defense tip
Q: What do you do if you're attacked by a troupe of circus performers?
A: Go for the juggler. |
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A famous hypnotist instructed his audience to focus intently on his swinging fob watch. Back and forth it went with hundreds of eyes closely following it. Suddenly the chain parted and the watch flew across the stage and shattered. "Aw crap!" exclaimed the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the mess. |
An East Texas couple, real-life rednecks with 9 children, went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican, and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her flat and tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes his drink, the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee. "I am your sex slave!" she purrs "I will do absolutely anything you desire." The guy can't believe his luck. "Hmm," he says with a wide grin, "I really fancy a 69." "Fuck off!" replies the girl, "I'm not cooking at this time of night." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me". The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead". The Don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP'?! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Literate Strip Club Signs Ahab, Check Out Our Great White Tail The Old Man and the SEE Check Out our Trollops, Anthony The Prince and the Peeper Our Girls Even Drive Oscar Wilde Romeo-oh-oh and Juliet It's Ulysses to Resist Us A Tale of Two Titties Our Poetry in Motion Will Have E.E. Cumming Leaves of Ass We're Prettier Than John Greenleaf Whittier Strippy Longstocking The Hos of Kilimanjaro ;) |
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a mommy and little girl are walking innto a park and see two teenagers having sex. so the little girl says mommy what are they doing and the mommy says their "making cakes". and the girl says you and daddy were making cakes last night on the couch. tand the momm say how do you know that and the girl says becasue I licked all the icing off the couch.
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Why are you still here?
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Chill. :chill:
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But what if Ibram was... joking? :p
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Chill anyway. :chill: :chill:
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a bevy of blonde jokes...
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one look! s in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun an puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" |
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for him self.& nbsp; The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned." "Then she moved and! sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!" |
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners: 1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 3. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 5. Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 6. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness. 7. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 8. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 9. Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action. 11. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 13. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole. |
I like those :D
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a
quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." |
Oh, I toootally havent heard that one before...
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Two winos are walking down the street.
Tom says "Man, I haven't eaten in three days." Jerry says "Dude, I'd eat almost anything, I'm so hungry." A couple blocks later, they find a dead cat. Jerry says "Do you want any or can I eat it all?" Tom says "Go right ahead." He watches Jerry eat the whole cat, fur, intestines and all. A couple blocks later, Jerry says "Oh dude, I'm gonna be sick-- BLEAHHH" and pukes everything up. Tom pulls out a knife and fork and exclaims "Perfect! A hot meal!!!" |
What has two legs and bleeds?
... ... Half a Dog. (Hope it's not a re-post) |
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Bellignorant...some of our students
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The Cellar: A hole in the Bozone layer
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1 Attachment(s)
The Bozone Layer Mascot
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Medical Distinctions
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." This should clear up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference since both ultimately result in death. |
Chester County Barbies
> > Mattel recently announced the release of the Limited-Edition Chester > County dolls for the Pennsylvania Market (Will be releasing Philadelphia > and New Jersey Limited - Edition in time for Christmas of 2007): > > Berwyn Barbie: > This princess Barbie is only sold at Nieman Marcus in King of Prussia. > She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a > long-haired dog named Honey, and an attitude. Available with or without > tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold separately. > > Downingtown Barbie: > This Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym > outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation or secondary > education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, headset sold separately. > > Coatesville Barbie: > This recently paroled former “Porn Actress” Barbie comes with a 9mm > handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy Lumina with dark tinted windows, and a > methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid > for in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you’re a cop, then > we don’t know what you’re talking about. > > West Chester Barbie: > This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. > Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club > memberships. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private > School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them. > > Parkesburg Barbie: > This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too > small, a NASCAR t-shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a > six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over > 5 feet and can kick mullet haired Ken’s ass when she is drunk. Doll > includes the overwhelming confusion as to why more people don’t come to > downtown Parkesburg. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a > confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free! > > Exton Barbie: > Complete with acid washed jeans and her 1987 high school year book, this > model includes a 1984 Pontiac Firebird with T-Top. Exton Barbie spends her > days at the Bowl O Rama Dream House (sold separately) talking about how > popular she was in high school and can often be found trying to turn east > into the westbound lanes of Route 30. Speed trap Ken available with > traffic citation book and “bad cop” attitude. > > Malvern Barbie: > This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini > outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the cookie > cutter dream house. Percocet prescription available. > > Honey Brook Barbie: > This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own > high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time ;she chased > Beer-gut Ken out of the Honey Brook Barbie’s dream house. Her ensemble Includes > low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through > halter-top. Also available with a mobile home. > > Phoenixville Barbie: > This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, > archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white > socks. She prefers that you call her “Willow”. She does not want or need a > Ken doll, but if you purchase 2 Phoenixville Barbies and the optional > Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free. > > Kennett Square Barbie: > This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie ; comes with a double-parked 1984 Toyota > with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbie’s in the back seat, > but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a cell phone, designer > clothes and welfare check. Optional items available include switch blade, > handgun with scratched off serial number, and Puerto Rican flag. WIC Cards > are available for Kennett Square Barbie and Ken but green cards are not available > for either doll. |
Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, He's fantastic in bed. That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, Hi, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, By the way, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed. That's Brand Recognition. |
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If only I'd had that definition when I was in marketing classes years ago. :banghead: |
A C-130 was flying on a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that. The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!" The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?" Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the hell did you do?" The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a sweet roll." |
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
Steven Wrght |
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I put brick pattern wallpaper over the brick walls in my apartment.
When people come over, I tell them "Go ahead, touch it, it feels real." - Steven Wright I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it comes out, I'm gonna sue myself. - Steven Wright |
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to
> marry the little girl across > the street. The father, being modern and > well-schooled in handling children, > hid his smile behind his hand. > > "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought > it out completely?" > > "Yes," his young son answered "We can spend one > week in my room and the next > in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run > home if I get scared of > the dark." > > "How about transportation? "How about transp > > "I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," > the little boy answered. > The boy had an answer to every question the father > raised. > > Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What > about babies? When you're > married, you're liable to have babies, you know." > > "We've thought about that, too," the little boy > replied. "We're not going to > have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going > to step on it!" |
"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."
Steven Wright |
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A young zebra is troubled with a dilemma. He has no idea whether he's a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes. So he goes up to his mum.
"Mum", he says, "am I a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes?" The mother has no idea, and says that probably his dad will know the answer. So he goes to his dad, asking him "dad, am I a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes?" Dad has no clue, and suggests that his son goes to see the Owl, who is a very wise animal and will surely know the answer. And the young zebra trots off to the tree where Owl lives. "Mister Owl, can I ask you a question?" Upon which Owl answers, "but of course, my son, what is troubling you?" "Well, you see, I'd really wish to know whether I'm a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes." Owl chuckles and say, "oh, but that's very easy. You're a white zebra with black stripes." The young zebra nods happily for a moment, content to finally have an answer, but then furrows his brow and asks, "how can you tell?" "Well", Owl says, "that's quite easy. Had you been a black zebra with white stripes, you would've come up to me and said, 'yo Owl man, lemme axe you sum question thang...'" (I hope nobody feels offended... *sheepish smile*) |
A wino, unrelated to the ones in post #1161, walks up to a jewish grandmother and says "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself." She replies. |
"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head."
Steven Wright |
> Investment tips for 2007.... for all of you
> with any money left, be > aware of the next expected mergers so that you can > get in on the > ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for > these consolidations > in 2007. > > 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller > Brush, and > W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, > Fuller, Grace. > > 2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta > Crackers join forces and > become: Poly, Warner Cracker. > > 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood. > > 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and > Dakota Mining will > merge and become: Zip Audi Do Da. > > 5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, > UPS, and become: > FedUP. > > 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers > will become: Fairwell > > 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to > become: Poupon Pants. > > 8.Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization > of Women will > become: Knott NOW! > > 9.) Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge > under the new > name: Titty Titty Bang Bang > > and finally: A.B. Dick (art supply company) will merge with Viagra International and Spectacular Women (a perfume by Collins Corp.) and they will create: {ready for this ?} Sleepless Nights for Women. |
Brian, while I enjoyed your post (despite not knowing half of the companies, lol) I had to laugh the hardest at your signature. Brilliant! Especially that last line. :lol:
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A man goes to a zoo. When he gets there, it's totally empty. He walks around, looking for animals, but he sees nothing. After looking around for a long time, he sees a cage with just one dog in it. It was a Shih Tzu.
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Da-dum tch.
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20 THINGS MAKE AUSTRALIA, AUSTRALIA.
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm. 2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you. 3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that can't be improved by a sausage sizzle. 4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie, he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie. 5. There is no food that can't be improved by the application of tomato sauce. 6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. 7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate. 8. All our best heroes are losers. 9. The alpha male in any group is the one who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags. 10. Its not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold. 11. Its proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard". 12. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing. 13. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool. 14. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much. 15. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. 16. The phrase "a simple picnic" has no meaning. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying. 17. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home. 18. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening, or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for. 19. There comes a time in every Australian's life when they realise that the Aerogard is worse than the mozzies. 20. And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia. Potential new Aussies must pass the following test - mow a sloping lawn in a pair of thongs while holding a VB and watching the cricket. Easy! |
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please". The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc. The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try different tactic. A while later he returned and took a seat. Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A martini, please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the Steelers to do this weekend. The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool... Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out "Uh... 'bout 50." The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?" |
Tony Blair called John Prescott into his office one day and said, "John I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England".
"Great idea Tony how will we go about it?" said Prescott "Well" said Blair, "we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other or one of those villages and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside." "Right Oh" said Prescott. So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for (Much Piddling-in-the-Brook) and found a lovely country pub (The Surly Yokel) and with the dog, went in and up to the bar. "Good evening Landlord may we have two pints of your best ale, from the Wood?" said Blair. Good evening Prime Minister" said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'. Blair and Prescott stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet. All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next half hour or so several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Blair and Prescott could stand it no longer and called the Barman over. "Tell me," said Blair, "why did all those old shepherds and locals come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it a local custom?' "Good Lord no," said the barman. "It's just that someone went and told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes". |
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hmmm..
Q:what do you call a bass player who just broke up with his girlfriend? A: Homeless |
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was
almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. the snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Sears next. |
How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change it, and four to keep the guitarist from stealing the spotlight. |
What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four. |
Not sure if this has been seen before, but....
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train.... 1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case. 2. Remove your laptop. 3. Boot it. 4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen. 5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky. 6. Then hit this link |
OMG! That's great.....but it's likely to get you arrested.... or worse.:lol2:
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Very funny. Also can be saved locally so that you don't need an actual live internet connection to make it happen. Just make the shortcut on the desktop (or wherever) point to the file countdown.swf. Boom.
Damn funny. |
cycle, that is hilarious
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Hilarious. A friend of mine happens to go to NY for a few days tomorrow, and I told him of this link and how he should use it. *evil snigger* Of course he isn't going to, but still.. imagine the reactions of safety people, of fellow passengers, of stewardesses.. :biglaugha
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> >> The new supermarket near my house has an
> automatic water mister to > >> keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, > you hear the sound > >> of distant thunder and experience the smell of > fresh rain. Amazing! > >> > >> When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows > mooing and get the > >> scent of fresh hay. Wonderful! > >> > >> When you approach the egg case, you hear hens > cluck and cackle and > >> the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of > bacon and eggs > >> frying. Mouth-watering! > >> > >> The veggie department features the smell of fresh > buttered corn. > >> Delicious! > >> > >> I don't buy toilet paper there any more.... > > |
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