As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a
typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was
nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low my heart was full. As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

:lol: @ xoB

Credit squirell nutkin.

I don't get it :(

ETA - I just did :)

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

George Carlin

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who both were married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,..... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own damn blanket..'

After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.

The End

THE MEMORIAL STONE


Billy died... His will provided $30,000 for this elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle.
"Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Joyce .. "Thirty thousand dollars."

"No!" Jonelle exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My Gosh, how big is it?"

Joyce answered, "Two and a half carats."

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"




Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

audible laughter.

What do you get when you cross a Liberal and a Conservative?

Socialism.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?


Halfway.

Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away. Who was it!!!???" he
yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?" "No," replied his wife. "It
wasn't Goldstein." "Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?" "No, not him."
"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!" "No, it wasn't
Rabinovich either..."
Morris was now fuming.
"What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks what happened. The woman says "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp..." The Doctor says "I have a really good medicine against that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
The woman says "Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me".
The Doctor replies "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!"

wry humor here