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Conservatives and Liberals

How's 'bout a little humor for the funny bone.

Quote:

History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast & live on fish & lobster in winter. The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "The Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men sometimes think and act like they are women. The rest became known as 'girleymen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal foods. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

:lol:

...me bad...

no, you're a one-trick troll.

Wait, so, he thinks The Village People were conservatives? Ha ha, I don't think so buddy...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pie (Post 630358)

emma?

Emma? I worked with an Emma once. Middle age, divorced, psychotic, gave a new meaning to "drama queeen." I stayed out of her way so I could just observe. Kind of felt sorry for her so I was one of the ones who treated her respectfully (at a distance). She took an early retirement. Ran into her at the hospital about a year ago. Said "hi" to her. She looked at me and said "do I know you?" I told her I must've mistaken her for someone else, told her to have a good day and went about my way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster (Post 630360)

no, you're a one-trick troll.

Troll? Me? No, just a prankster.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jinx (Post 630382)

Wait, so, he thinks The Village People were conservatives? Ha ha, I don't think so buddy...

Now, now. I liked the Village People. They had some pretty upbeat music. I still exercise to "Y.M.C.A." :lol:

> Tom Brady, after living a full life, died and went to heaven.
> When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came
>
> to a modest little house with a faded patriots flag in the window.
> "This house is yours for eternity, Tom," said God. "This is very
> special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, indeed,
> and walked up to his house. On his way
>
> up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was
> a 3-story mansion with a blue and white sidewalk, a
>
> 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Colts logo flag, and in every
> window, a blue and white Colts towel.
> Tom Brady looked at God
> and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a
> question. I was an all-pro QB,
>
> I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame." God
> said "So what's your point Tom?"
> "Well, why does Peyton manning get a
> better house than me?" God
> chuckled, and said, "Tom, that's not Peyton's house, it's mine.
>
>
>
>
>
> ***GO COLTS***

I sincerely hope this is meant as a joke. This is on craigslist, sorry its a bit long. I quoted the whole thing since it might get taken down before long, I'm not sure if its allowed.
LINK

Quote:

I'm looking for someone who will allow me to "act out" in public and can react appropriately. I'm tired of dating boring, tepid, insipid politically correct women. I want a liberal woman in the most true sense; not your messenger bag carrying, bike riding, garden variety gender-defender. Can you call someone a cunt in a public place without changing your tone and use the word to refer to your vagina in the same sentence? Do you agree with the opinion that women are terrible drivers, bad actors, and even worse musicians? Would you enjoy getting fucked by a man in a diaper? If so,

On our first date, you will walk me on one of those child-leashes while I wear a helmet and do my best to stumble into every bypasser at the mall. I will at some point throw myself to the ground and slam my head repeatedly into the hard surface while screaming "NO TOUCH ME DERE, SISTER!" over and over. You will smile nervously at the mall patrons and assure them that "It will be over soon; he tires easily."

After that, we will go and get ice cream. When asked which flavor I want, I will demand the ice cream attendant give me "all the ice creams". You will discipline me and tell me I can have only one flavor. At this time I will throw another violent tantrum until you bargain with me and I get two, three, or maybe four (this is up to you, since you'll be paying and rewarding me based on my performance).

When we have our ice cream, I will eat it sloppily and smear it into your hair while giggling (ice cream is every retards favorite thing, you know). You will get up to grab napkins and I will quickly take the remainder of your ice cream and throw it across the food court or while you clean me up, I will shove it down your blouse.

We will go to the video game store where you will "turn me loose" and pretend to talk on your phone absent mindedly outside of the store. I will harass the employees and ask them "OH! Can I have disth game?!" around a hundred times, once for each different game I see behind the counter. "Dat one" I will say as they try in vain to determine which product I am pointing out while staring at the ceiling or floor.

Ten minutes or so should be enough time for me. You will then come collect me, awkwardly apologize, and we will leave the store for the womens restroom where you will proceed to change my diaper in front of the changing station. I will get hard and you tell me "Bad boy, bad boy" while slapping my penis. If anyone says anything, you will tell them you "have to slap it because it's the only way to make it go away" or "this is the only way I can teach him a lesson."

When we leave the mall, we can go back to my place and continue roleplaying. You can teach me where babies come from and then we will practice making them in front of my video camera; the recording of which you will not get a copy. Condoms make my penis burn, so please be STD free.

Criteria:
1. Stay in character at all times. I will not leave character at any point and if you do, I will react aggressively. I'm a pretty big guy. Don't piss me off.
2. You must wear a very sexy outfit. A short skirt and a low-cut top. I want to see your ass cheeks and titties hanging out. Tease your hair and wear some perfume. Also, do not wear underwear. A video game character costume is a plus.
3. If I happen to improvise a passing out spell during a tantrum, when you're leaning over me pretending to revive me or whatever, I will be aiming to pop a boner. Once you feel it prodding, you will do your best to hide it nonchalantly while pretending not to notice. This is very important and I will expect your best performance to come of this because I will suddenly spring up, grab you, and begin to hump you. You will react as if this was a normal thing and tell onlookers "Just give him a minute, he finishes fast."

You are free to improvise your own dialog, but if it's stupid or it becomes obvious that you are pretending, I will loudcap you with retard yelps to distract from your ineptness. If all goes well, maybe we could meet up for a 2nd date. Maybe more.

That Explains It

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nirvana (Post 630804)

:thumb::jig: My entire radio room appreciated that one and we are printing it to put on the booking room cork board!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by jujuwwhite (Post 630903)

we are printing it to put on the bonking room cork board!!

This is what I misread.

For the Brits: I'm currently reading Jilly Cooper, nuff said......

From: Internal Revenue Service
Midwest Region

TO: All Male Taxpayers

The only thing the federal government has not taxed heretofore is your peter. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 28% of the time it is hard up, and the 2% of the time that it is employed, it operates in the hole. Furthermore, it has two dependents and both are certifiable nuts.

In an effort to balance the budget, a new tax will be assessed on your pecker, based on its size. Using the pecker-checker scale below, please determine your catagory and insert the additional tax under the listing "Other Taxes", page 2, part IV on your form 1040.

Pecker checker scale

10-12 inches: Luxury Tax: $50.00
8 - 10 inches Pole Tax: 25.00
6 - 8 inches Privilege Tax 15.00
4 - 6 inches Nuisance Tax 5.00

Note: Any man with the pitiful peter size under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. However, do not ask for an extension.

Any men with peters in excess of 12 inches should file under "capital gains."

Signed______ _________ ________
I. Will Cutchapeckeroff
Chief, Compliance Section

Re: Craigslist freak:

Dr Freud? I think somebody has some Mommy issues.

Quote:

IDIOT SIGHTINGS

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two..."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money."
I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter,
and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman, KS.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?

She is a probation officer in Wichita, KS.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I attended a "good-bye" luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that "deer-in-the-headlights"stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office.

IDIOT ENCOUNTERS:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician,
"It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS.

I love this one!:

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii to here?" I looked at him and quickly said "Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge."
He nodded his head and said "Cool!"

STAY ALERT!