What?

How do you spot a redneck woman?

She has a black eye and a hickey at the same time.

As seen somewhere on my google reader feed:
can't stop laughing.

From Dave Barry:

Your resume is more than just a piece of paper with lies written all over it. A good resume can mean the difference between not getting a job and not even coming close.

20 Dollars
 

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another
position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out. . .

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"


That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:





"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere And then just walks out..

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter





"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,



"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."

A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.

The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.

The statistician yells "We got him!"

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician sit in a sidewalk cafe, looking at the building across the road. Two people go into the building, then three people come out.

Physicist: "This must be a measuring error!"

Biologist: "This is proof of procreation!"

Mathematician: "If one more person goes into the building, it will be empty!"

.

An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine
Traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him.
The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at
Close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A state wide manhunt ensued.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun..
After he shot at them, SWAT team officers open fired and hit the guy 68 times.

Now here's the kicker.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they shot the
Poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel:

'Because that's all the ammunition we had.'
Talk about an all-time classic answer. :cop:

A Londoner, an Australian and a South African are having a drink in a West End pub.

The Aussie finishes his beer and throws his glass behind him which smashes on the floor. The Londoner asks him why he did that. He says "We've got so much sand in Oz you never have to drink from the same glass twice."

Then the South African finishes his drink and smashes the glass on the floor as well. He says "We've got so many endless beaches in SA, you never have to drink from the same glass twice either."

Finally the Londoner finishes his beer. He pulls out a gun and shoots his two drinking partners dead.

The shocked barman says "Why did you do that?!"

The Londoner replies "There's so many Aussies and South Africans in London, you never have to drink with the same two twice."

I lol'ed multiple times.

That is awesome! I'll have to send it to my brother, he'll love it.

What nonsense.
As if an Aussie would drink beer from a glass.

Snort in derision.

Almost as funny as the original: (about ten years ago) This is a three minute cut which I think is better, but I couldn't find a good version of it.