Police Warning
 

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs,
parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious
when offered a drink from any woman. Many females
use a date rape drug on the market called ... Beer.
The drug is found in liquid form and available
anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and
in large "kegs".

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties
and bars to persuade their male victims to go home
and have sex with them. A woman needs only to get a
guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply
ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are
rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to the
desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking
women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy
memories of exactly what happened to them the night
before, often with just a vague feeling that
"something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled
out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam
known as a "relationship" . In extreme cases, the
female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of
servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage".
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after
Beer is administered and sex is offered by the
predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to
every male you know.

If you fall victim to this beer and the women
administering it..... There are male support groups
where you can discuss the details of your shocking
encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up
"Golf Courses" in the phone book.

Now, will you get this one....?

Nelson lay severely wounded aboard the HMS Victory, awaiting attack from the French navy. It was a foggy morning. The mist hung low. He called to his lookout and signalman: 'climb the rigging and tell me if the Frenchies are sending a signal to attack!'

Away the signalman scurried, returning some five minutes later with a slihghtly panicked expression on his face: 'It's still very misty, admiral, sir. There is a signal but it is difficult to read. It seems to say "to the water, it is the hour" '.

'That makes no real sense. We need to be sure of the message. Go look again - the mists are surely clearing fast now.'

Again the signalman climbed the rigging, returning some ten minutes later this time:' Sir, it definitely says what I said before "to the water, it is the hour" '.

'Are you really sure, for that is indeed a strange message?'

'Well, I am translating from the French' said the signalman

'And what, pray, is the French, then?'

'Why, a l'eau, c'est l'heure, of course!'

nyuk nyuk nyuk



bonus points for sucessfully rendering that in text

This post reminded me of this joke:

The 3 wise men were walking into the stable to meet the baby messiah. The tallest wise man hits his head on the door jamb and says "Jeeesus Christ!" Mary looks at Joseph and says "ooh, ooh, write that down! That's way better than "Gary"

Nothing happens here.

(Now, will you get that one?)

You realize, I now have to cut your head off, don't you?

Go ahead, I'm not using it. :p

I got a million of 'em. You should see my "Jesus on a rubber cross" impression. Guaranteed to piss off extremists, young and old alike.

Or this one:

Two women are walking along the docks one night. They see a couple seamen. The first lady asks "Aren't those sailors out after hours?"
The second lady replies "I sure hope so!"

Nope - but hello sailor anyway....

wiki You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

"Rien se passe ici??"

@ Shawnee: "Hey Peter! Look what I can do!" <straight-armed handclaps>

Should that be GUE, and you are invoking prosiac licence on the letter 'r'?

I suppose a 'happy sailor' could also therefore be classed as a 'Quendor bender' - that would tie it in quite neatly with some of the other interpretations.

Attachment 13591

ouch!

A Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as
> chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University
> in Marquette.
>
> They would get together two or three times a week for
> coffee and to talk shop.
>
> One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people
> isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to
> preach to a bear.
>
> One thing led to another and they decided to do an
> experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a
> bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
>
> Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their
> experience.
>
> Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
> crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs,
> goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find
> me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
> the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with
> me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my
> holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God,
> he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out
> next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
>
> Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with
> an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best
> fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers,
> you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND
> me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's
> HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So
> I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled
> down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came
> to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his
> hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle
> as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
>
> The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi,
> who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast
> and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of
> him. He was in real bad shape.
>
> The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it,
> circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Two rednecks walk into a Dairy Queen.

While having a couple of Blizzards, when suddenly a woman at a nearby table, eating a Coney dog, begins to cough and choke.

One of the guys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no.

The redneck strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again.

The redneck ambles smugly back to his table to a thunderous round of applause.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

In a recent survey on why men like blow jobs so much:

6% liked the feeling,

12% liked the excitment,

and 82% just liked the silence.

How to keep Georgia gnats out of your face:

Tie a dog dick to the back of your neck.

Hello everyone.... I miss you. I'll see you soon.

Currently semi-deployed. Will explain later. Love you. :cool:

There may be some wives on here who can relate...


One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual
manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the
small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them
very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her
side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side
to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips,
first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the
outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside
of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her
right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she
squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped
abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning
prayers, when
she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way
to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good
morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with
you."

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other,
"I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A
little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters
who had been teaching at the convent for several years.

She greeted them with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may
God give you wisdom for your students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."
But
again, after passing, Mother Superior
overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she
started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look
on her face.
She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary
approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather
deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on
her face, before greeting Sister Mary.

"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I
pray
God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you
got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I
have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have
said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're
wearing Father Murphy's slippers

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven' t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SHIT." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

:rotflol:
hilarious

this might have been posted before

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
This man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Classes for men
 

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, October 23, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS
MAXIMUM.

Classes begin Monday, October 30, 2007

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen
Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6

Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right
Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00
PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries and Other Important Dates
---and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy
Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued
to the survivors. !
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

A man is walking down the beach when he stubs his toe on a lamp. When he does, 2 blond genies come out and tell him they will grant him 3 wishes for setting them free. So he makes his wishes and goes home.

When he walks up to his house and opens the door, he notices that it's filled with scantily clad supermodels walking around talking about how sexy he is. He walks upstairs to his bedroom and opens the walk-in closet and it's filled from top to bottom and one side to the other with hundred dollar bills. Just as he notices this he hears a knock at the door.

He walks downstairs and opens the door and he sees some KKK members wearing hoods and robes and they grab him and drag him outside. Then they burn a cross in his yard, beat him senseless, and hang him from a tree.

Then the 2 main KKK members remove their hoods and they are the 2 blonde genies.

One of them looks at the other and says, "I can understand the women, and I can understand the money, but I don't understand why he wanted to be hung like a black man."

in response to all the man jokes:

Seminars for Women

These valuable courses, specific to the needs of women have been thoughtfully prepared and presented by men as in-depth and life changing courses.

1. Elementary Map Reading

2. Crying and Law Enforcement

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast

6. The Seven-Outfit Week

7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it"

8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions

9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights

10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed

11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water

12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament

13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "Me Too" Equals I Love You

14. How to Earn Your Own Money

15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics = Good"

16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station

19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels

20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too

22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")

24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"

25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House

26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

10 Reasons Why There Are No Black NASCAR Drivers’

10 Have to sit upright while driving.
9 Pistol won’t stay under front seat
8 Engine noise drowns out the rap music
7 Pit crew can’t work on car while holding up pants at the
same time
6 They keep trying to carjack Dale, Jr.
5 Police cars on track interfere with race
4 No passenger seat for the Ho
3 No Cadillac’s approved for competition
2 When they crash their cars, they bail out & run
1 They can’t wear their helmets sideways.

PS - I hate NASCAR - but this was funny:)

Two old friends, a rabbi and a priest, finish their weekly discussion/ debate on religion. As ususal, they shake hands and walk out of the coffee shop, each still unshakable in his convictions. As they step into the street a car swerves around the corner, heading right for them. Father Flynn pulls his companion back just in time to avoid disaster. Rabbi Schwartz immediately waves his hand before his face, his crotch, and then his two breast pockets.

"Saints preserve us!" exclaims the priest. "My friend, I do believe it's a liar you've been."

The rabbi, bewildered, responds, "Vhat do you mean, Patrick?"

"Ah, and I suppose it isn't the sign of the cross you've just made?" inquires Father Flynn.

"Oy, I vas just checking everyting is vere it belongs - the spectacles, the testicles, the vatch, and vallet."

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left behind 4 children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great-grandchildren, and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Hahaha. That one really made me chuckle.

I have one I heard on a Whoopi Goldberg's special on Bravo, but I'm hesitant to repeat it cuz it involves the N-word.

Do it. We're equal opportunity offenders.

A Jewish boy asks his father one day "Father, can I please have fifty dollars?" To which the father replied "Fourty dollars! What are you going to do with thirty dollars!"

Actually it's "Forty dollars? What do you want thirty dollars for? There's no way I'm going to give you twenty dollars." and he has to get out quickly before he owes dad some money.

Okie Dokey:

A little black man goes to heaven, and gets his wings. He then asks God "Am I an angel?" And God says "No nigga, you a bat."


Don' hit me. :blush:

Two cattle drovers standing in an outback Aussie bar.
One asked, "What ya up to, Mate?"
"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah... what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."

How many Stalinists does it take to change a lightbulb?

slap this guy silly
 

This isn't a joke per se, but it was so funny I have to share it.

Last night I was in the diner having a late supper with a few other drivers and there was a non-trucker sitting in our reserved area. OK. No big deal, we don't care really. But then he starts listening in to our conversation which happened to deal with braking distances and how they differ from smaller vehicles. All of a sudden he just pops out with "You know, I just don't understand why big rigs can't stop like a car...after all, you have 18 brakes!"

Total silence ensues around him and spreads through the whole area as what he said is passed along. He got this dumb look on his face as he looked around at everyone staring at him and he says "What?" It was a priceless Kodak moment. Too bad I left my camera in the truck.

Then the snickering started. It spread to total laughter and this schmuck couldn't understand what was so funny! He finally got up and scooted out of there as fast as he could. That story is STILL being retold by the waitresses and drivers.

I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.

THE FRANK FELDMAN STORY


A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened
like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not
like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank
Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a
woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his widow."

Three women and three men are travelling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.
"Watch and learn," answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter.

At HLJ's request, joke repost:

Man is riding the bus. There is an old lady with an umbrella sitting across the aisle. Every now and then, the bus driver looks in his big rearview mirror, puts his hand around his throat, and makes gurgly noises. Each time, the little old lady gets out of her seat, hits the driver over the head with the umbrella, and goes to sit back down. This goes on for a few stops. The lady finally disembarks. The man can't stand his curiosity, so he moves up front and says to the driver "what in the world was going on with you and that old lady?" The driver replies "Oh, her daughter got strangled to death last week and I like to tease her about it."

No That's Not Ironic!
 

Once in a while (actually, it happens quite often) one runs across a coworker, acquaintance, or total stranger who uses words without knowing what they actually mean. For example, one time I had a supervisor who laughed at a coworker who was not familiar with the frescos of the Sistine Chapel. In breaking the news to this coworker, he said, "How can you not know what the Sixteenth Chapel is?". At first I couldn't believe my ears, but I composed myself, and tried to confirm what my ears had heard. So I asked him to repeat the name of the fresco. This time he deliberately pronounced each syllable slowly so that I could really learn; "It's the Sixteenth Chapel", he said.

*chuckles* little things like that niggle. I had a friend at work who was forever describing people as a 'mind of useful information' :P

Thing is most of us have something like that which we misheard/understood as a child and have never been corrected on.

Now, as an adult, because he is expecting to hear sixteen, he hears sixteen.

oh this is funny. Guess what I found while googling other mispronounced words?

A cellar thread on just that subject :)
http://cellar.org/showthread.php?t=9584

heh heh heh

Now that was just fucking hillarious! Imagine that. I can see it now.

Just what I needed today.

Thanks Bruce.

From Readers Digest.IIRC.
Trooper stops speeder.
Driver. Why me, not some of the others?
Trooper. Sir. You ever go fishing?
Driver. Yes, ever chance I get.
Tropper. Did you catch them all?

Subject: Breakfast at the White House

Breakfast at the White House

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit." "And what can I get for you, Mr. President? "George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink And slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "how rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton!" and the waitress storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers........... "It's pronounced 'quiche.'"

lol

NAME CHANGE
 

TERRORIST ACTIVITY HAS CAUSED THE DEMOCRATS TO TAKE MEASURES IN ORDER TO PROTECT THEIR FAIR-HAIRED CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY. FOR SECURITY REASONS, THEY HAVE SUGGESTED THAT HILLARY HAVE A MUSLIM NAME. SO, FROM NOW ON, PLEASE REFER TO HER BY HER NEW MUSLIM NAME:

SELDOM BEEN LAYED

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to
each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if the redneck
would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants
to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few
winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of
fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer,
I will pay you $500.

This catches the redneck's attention and to
keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in
his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer,
"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses
the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the
redneck and hands him $500. The redneck pockets the $500 goes right
back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the
answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, "Well, so what goes
up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

That's too funny:D

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization:

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.. Then when I looked around, I saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom by tying this string to the tip of our 'you know what'. That way, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in t! he rest room by 76.39 percent."

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use my spoon."

New Pope Changes Mass...
 

New German Pope makes changes....

lmao! Excellent, yesman!

Thoughts for the day
 

Usual apologies if it's been done before



1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put theirpictures on the postage stamps so posties can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

19. Last night I played a blank CD at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

20. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2 on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE

21. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?