Warning for women
 

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out.


Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs.


The new ones had the texture of cooked porridge. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? Hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and magic knickers/tights combo from M & S. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My bottom was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't believe that my new bottom was attached at least three inches lower than my original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.


It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.


One morning I was doing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish. Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Christmas turkey it now resembled.


That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medicalprofession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using.


You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?


The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs - and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them.


This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.


WARN YOUR FRIENDS!


P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.


Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

I got my wife a bag and belt for her birthday...........





The Hoover works fine now.

A pretty young woman is on a plane back to the U.K. from Malaga after two weeks holiday.
"Finally together again," she sighed.
"Sorry, were you talking to me?" said the man in the next seat.
"No, to my legs."

Careful of new scam

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be
quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen
to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old
girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items
into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with
their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. Reminded
me of a scene right out of Cool Hand Luke.

It is impossible not to look and go into trance.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead
ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they both climb in the passenger seat, one sitting on
the other's lap.

On the way, they start kissing each other ...

Then one of them turns to you to perform the nasty with you, while
the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen July 11th, 13th, twice on the 15th, on the
17th, 20th, August 3rd, 7th, 16th, two times just yesterday, and
very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some
more wallets.

Just a friendly warning.

ok I find this so fricken funny. This guy visited my page on stumbleupon. This is too weird to be anything but a coincidence.

The guys name is jimbofromflint. :lol2: Now this isn't our jim and flint is it!? too funny!


http://jimbofromflint.stumbleupon.com/about/


If that link stops working I got a nice screen capture right before I banned his ass.

Why is it "too weird to be anything but a coincidence"?

Flint is a real place. It's quite a big city. It has an international airport and everything. Jimbo is quite a common nickname for people called Jim. What's the betting there are more than two people called Jameswho live in Flint and who know about "Stumbleupon"?

That post doesn't sound anything like either lj or Flint.

Why d'you ban him? isn't the purpose of ther site to find other people's sites?

why are you being defensive? This is the internet. Don't make an issue where there is none.

right.

:eyebrow:

Completely and shamelessly stolen from the new-ish Dukes of Hazzard movie.
What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?


A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye.

Premature Ejaculation

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In
response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready
to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two
began, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired
the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife
peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out
of the closet with his hands in the air!"

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's pampered poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffled, turned up her nose and then said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is obviously using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was occupied that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm VERY tired."

She snorted again, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also uncouth and arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked and screamed to the rest of the mostly male passengers, "Someone must defend my honor! This vile American should be put in his place!"

An older English gentleman sitting nearby sighed and then spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for simply always doing the wrong thing!! You hold the dining fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. .....And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!!

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother
was Jewish and his father was black.

So Johnny asks, Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.

So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same
question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

"What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more black?" asks his dad.

"Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and just steal the fuckin' thing."

Brian, that one tickled me. Very nice.

My job is done here!

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get
me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

What do you call an Irishman with no arms and no legs?




Paddy O'Furniture.

Or...

What do you call an Irishman who likes to stay in the garden and sit on the terrace?

Paddy O' Furniture

I didn't know there was a "clean" version.

I didn't expect you to....

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back, how do you control your anger?
WIFE: I clean the toilet...
HUSBAND: How does that help?
WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

Wow boy. that's ruff

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level You are at 31 degrees, 14..97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost.. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
:D

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"
"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin' over a beer. Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?" "Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and... she had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ...

and I can't swim Dave! I can't swim!"

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/grap...7/09/05/m3.jpg

Longleat Meerkats take photos of themselves
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main...5/nmeer105.xml


A group of the animals - known as a mob - at Longleat Safari Park turned their paws to the hobby when a warden accidentally left a camera in their enclosure.

In the five minutes before he returned, the inquisitive mammals clambered up the tripod, explored the controls and managed to take three family photos.

See link for more!

Update.

I've been duped ultimately.

Obviously you're not alone. When I clicked on your link, right under the headline was, "Update: Meerkart photoshoot exposed as a hoax" in heavy blue contrasting type. That linked to a different page by a different reporter. They didn't even give the original reporter a chance to correct his story and explain how he's been duped.

And that link is so glaring! I guess I saw what I wanted to see.

I thought I read it too! ah boy ....


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------next!

http://edkrebs.com/herb/petoons5/stt050323.gif

Linguist Joke
 

A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"

The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

No, I think the update was after you posted the link. You was shot in the back.

Two lions were laying down in the heat of the African sun, one licking the other one's bottom (OK, its arse!), a third lion walked past aghast and asked, "what the hell are you doing that for."

"I've just eaten an American tourist", came the reply, "and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

:)

Better than being stabbed I guess. Or torn apart by a homicidal pumpkin.




http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e2...4/68aa981f.jpg

funny

Prime Minister Tony Blair on his l - o - n - g goodbye tour of the entire world, was visiting a primary school and he went into one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'". " No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent.

No other children volunteered.

Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!!"

*snort*

Nice, in the rudest sort of way, of course.

Why do women like Jesus?

Because he was hung like this:

I rear ended a car this morning.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

And that's how the fight started...

funny joke

At first I thought it was a true story.

* waits *

A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor.

The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common."


The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks dicks."

A tale of two cows . . .
 

A Tale of Two Cows



DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbra Streisand sings for you.



REPUBLICANISM

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?



SOCIALISM

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.



COMMUNISM

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.



CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.



BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.



AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.



FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.



JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.



GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.



ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.



RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.



TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.



IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.



POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.



BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.

The cow is schizophrenic.

Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.

The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.

The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.

The cow asks permission to be cut in half.

The cow dies happy.



FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.



CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.

They make real California cheese.

Only five speak English.

Most are illegal's.

Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

And there you have it!

I've probably posted this before but I think it's so funny.

:lol2:

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

New 10th Level of Hell
 

Oh look a new 10th level of hell for sowers of discord and falsifiers.

A little bit of Onion sillyness
http://www.theonion.com/content/node...rce=facebook_1



new wave of sinners had been placed in such circles as Hoarders and Squanderers, Sowers of Discord, Flatterers and Seducers, Violent Against Art, and Hypocrites. Hell authorities, however, say that the new level, the Circle of Total Bastards, located at the site of the former Well of Giants just above the Frozen Lake at Hell's center, better suits their insidious brand of evil.

Awesome. :)

Not a true story, but funny.

:headshake what the hell! of course the navy is going to deny it.


This is the humor thread. Wanna debunk the homicidal pumpkin photo now?


http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e2...4/68aa981f.jpg

I was with my wife in a bookstore Sunday night and she picked up a book called Extreme Pumpkins, which included that image, or one very similar. She said "Look who wrote this!" and I saw that it's a friend of ours, Tom Nardone. I thought it was just someone with the same name, but after checking into it, found out it is him.

He also runs the extremepumpkins.com website.

That's funny that you should post that today.

HLJ

I saw this photo while stumbling. They are random so I don't know the person whom the photo link is attached but I thought it was a hoot too!

It would be a great one for Halloween. Maybe some lights and a recording of grunts and groans :P

Emphasis mine.

The homicidal pumpkin post did not include any verbiage like: "actual homicidal pumpkin" in it.

Besides, I agreed it was funny. Whaddaya want?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and
saw Daddy and Aunt Joy in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Joy I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Joy a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Joy helped Daddy take his pants off, then AuntJoy......." At this point Mommy cut him off and
said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save
the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Joy. I went back to look
and he was giving Aunt Joy a big kiss, then he helped her take off
her shirt. Then Aunt Joy helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Joy and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle
Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." Mommy fainted!

hehe @ actual homicidal pumpkin :)
 

http://www.roflcats.com/images/0228.jpg

http://www.roflcats.com/images/0187.jpg

Why the groom isn't allowed to purchase the cake.


Attachment 14660

One day, while in line at the company cafeteria, Joe
> says to Mike behind
> him,"My elbow really hurts. I guess I'd better see a
> doctor."
>
> "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of
> money," Mike replies."There' s
> a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it
> a urine sample and the
> computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
> about it.It takes ten
> seconds and costs only ten dollars. A lot cheaper
> than seeing a doctor."
>
> So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and
> takes it to Wal-Mart. He
> deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
> asks for the urine
> sample. He pours the sample into the receptacle and
> waits. Ten seconds later, the
> computer ejects a printout:
>
> "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water
> and avoid heavy
> activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you
> for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
>
> That evening, while thinking how amazing this new
> technology was, Joe began
> wondering if the computer could be fooled.He mixed
> some tap water, a stool
> sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
> daughter, and a sperm
> sample from himself for good measure.
>
> Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the
> results. He deposits ten
> dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
> results. The computer prints
> the following:
>
> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
> softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog
> has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
> (Aisle 7)
> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into
> rehab.
> 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.
> Get a lawyer.
> 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your
> elbow will never get
> better!
>
> Thank YOU FOR SHOPPING AT WAL-MART

August 31th :
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mount Isa, Queensland!!
Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though.
But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though.
Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery.
I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant f#*kin blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here?


November 4th:
It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity
makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman.
I hate this stupid f#*kin place.

November 8th:
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to f#*kin throttle him. F#*kin heat!
By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin f#*kin wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my f#*kin arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my f#*kin arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a f#*kin recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and f#*kin sunny.
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the pool.
Even the palms can't live in this f#*kin heat.

November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 44 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car.
The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assulting the stupid f#*ker. F#*k
Mount Isa! What kind of a sick demented f#*kin idiot would want to live here?

December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer????
You are f#*kin kiddin

He's A Goner ~
A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly.

In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

* He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

* At 70 off came the pants.

* At 75 it was her bra...and

* At 80 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree!

His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him fr ee but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said.

"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies,"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

D'oh!

That is creepy beyond words
Except these of course

reminds me of Coraline

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

I like that game!
May have to play it tomorrow night (we are having a dinner party, how grown up)

My submission:
My love for you endures through the sweet and the bitter
Because you let me take you up the shitter

This could be a new thread.