A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St Peter met him at the door. "You can't come in, " he said.

The Pagan asked, "Why?"

St Peter said, "You're Pagan, sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there and they say it's cool"

The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway because he was, well, Pagan.

So he goes to hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time.

A man in white comes to him and presents himself as Satan.

"Wow" thinks the pagan, "Hell isn't so bad" Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to normal. "What was that?," the pagan asks Satan.

Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have hell any other way"

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas
morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course , meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it, we'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning ."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course .

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the Cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game . I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas ! It's a great morning for either sex or golf,' and she said... 'Take a sweater!'"

The Defective Parrot


A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'


If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.

That's almost a threat! A bit like the Emperor's new clothes :lol:

It made me laugh the first time I heard. The 35th, not as much.

PUNS FOR THOSE WITH A HIGHER IQ

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

:thumb:

:notworthy

Johnny Fuckerfaster

"Is there a Fukbrache at this school?"
"Fuck break? We're lucky to get a coffee break."

so this guy ran into god! god says "ask me anything" so he asked him "why did you make women so beautiful?" he says "so you'd like them!" then he asked "why'd you make them smell so good?" again he says "so you'd like them!" so then he asked "why'd you make them so stupid?" then he said "so they'd like you!"

i'm tryin' S123! i'm tryin'!