That's my boy!

Most featured on UK youtube at the moment....

(I know there is a way to imbed this, it's just that I don't know the way!)

That's brilliant CF

BTW I worked out where my weird dream about a bus that drove itself came from the other night - the joke about the guys pushing the car. Thanks mate, it was really creepy!

International Relations:

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in
a menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy /liquor
store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order
to supply employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However,
they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the
true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can
do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal
division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look
fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer
than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root
cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a cell phone so
they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this god-forsakendeserted island in the middle of nowhere so she can get her nails done
and go shopping.

Sounds about right, leaches, everyone of them.

A squad of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured troop what had happened.

The troop reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the
Highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

'I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to Drive.

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid,
Mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, ''Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!''

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a fucking truck hit us.'

A 1000 year old riddle....

Swings by his thigh / a thing most magical!
Below the belt / beneath the folds
Of his clothes it hangs / a hole in its front end,
stiff-set and stout / it swivels about.

Levelling the head / of this hanging tool,
its wielder hoists his hem / above his knee;
it is his will to fill / a well-known hole
that it fits fully / when at full length

He's oft filled it before. / Now he fills it again.

What is it?






His key.

CHRISTMAS PARTY ANNOUNCEMENT


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2007

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private
function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts
among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift
should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

***************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not
Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

*****************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2007

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

*******************************************************************


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20
begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon
at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to
take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to
sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will
get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to
sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there
will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no
cross-dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest for
those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics. The
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Fucking Employees

DATE: October 05, 2007

RE: The Fucking Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks!!! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!! I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!!!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

*********************************************


FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2007

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a
speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

A plane crashed over a desert island, 2 men and one woman.

After a couple of weeks the sexual tension became too much.

Thay came to an agreement, the woman was to be with one man one week and the other man the next week.

For a few weeks this worked.

After a while the first man said 'this is becoming a bit too much'.

After the second week the second man said 'this is becoming a bit bad'.

After the third week the first man said 'this is becoming awful'.

Afrter the forth week the second man said 'shall we bury her?'

After the fifth week the first man said "This is becoming a bit too much".

After the sixth week the second man said "This is becoming a bit bad".

After the seventh week the first man said "This is becoming awful".

After the eighth week the second man said "Shall we dig her up again?"

ok, now that was very funny in a very sick sort of way.

Love those Scots!

Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for
total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few
seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every
time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced
the quiet ... and then said ... "Weel then, foockin' stop doin' it, ya evil bastard!"

LOL

In the vein of sick jokes:

What is the difference between a yellow 2001 MR2....and a dead decomposing body?!?




1) I don't have an MR2 in my garage...

and

2) I don't eat MR2's

:0

The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians...

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of
the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill
you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in
Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns
with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across
the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time
with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a
man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last
request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For
the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE

That is funny as hell. :)

thanks - I rather liked it myself.

I think I hurt myself on this one......:p :p

Thanks, I needed that tonight.

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

lol!!! @Jester

But the blonde does have a clever point.....I'm uuuh, blonde so don't ask..
:)

I told the Bono joke last night, classicman. Well received. I flubbed my Scottish brogue a bit so I will have to practice.

You are VERY brave! moreso than I would be. Good for you.

Yea, I wanted to tell it to my husband last night, but the punch line is going to be too sketchy for me...I definitely have to practice before delivery. (I'll look really stupid on the car ride home this evening talking to myself while driving)
I might even do the clapping myself for added dramatic effect.....


A classic! Classicman!

At least you don't ride the bus.

:blush: I saw the Bay City Rollers in concert in 6th grade. I've had much time to practice.

What's the difference between Bono and God?

....


God doesn't think he's Bono.

Oh, wow...that's a good one!

Darwin Awards!
 

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Please be aware that the evidence shows mental evolution has ceased with the following individuals.


Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended
victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber
James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder.

He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it
worked
>> >
And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted
claim to his insurance company.
The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a
look for himself! He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
>> >
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
>> >
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to
admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and
offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the
passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
>> >
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
>> >
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying
to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he
was hit.
>> >
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash
drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the
register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash
from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
>> >
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer. $15.
>> >
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved
it over his head at the window.
>> >
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
>> >
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the
purse from.'
>> >
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.
The man, frustrated, walked away.
>> >
(*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)
>> >
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked
on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a
motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal
gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage
tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges
saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
>> >
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your
friends and family, unless of course, one of these individuals by
chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be
glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
>> >
Remember ... they walk among us!

I loved the Christmas Party Announcement, Crimson Ghost, thanks!

The Pope and "Herself," Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did
you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that
with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like
that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.

Safe for kids
 

What's green and hangs in trees?
Giraffe boogers.

What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

What's the difference between snot and brussel sprouts?
Kids will eat snot.

Two cannibals were eating a clown when one looked up at the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

How do you get a tissue to dance?
Put a little boogie in it.

Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan

Where do cantalopes go in the summer?
John Cougar's Mellon Camp

Why is it important to be quiet in church?
Because people are sleeping.

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

"Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

Dave and Jim were out deer hunting. Dave was pretty new to this
whole deer hunting thing, so Jim had told him all about a clean
kill, and field dressing, etc.

Well, after an afternoon up in the stand, Dave heard some noise
in the woods; he got buck fever and fired. He went over to where
he thought his deer should be, and realized he had shot his good
friend Jim.

Dave rushed him to the hospital. After what seemed like a very
long time, the doctor came out shaking his head. He told Dave,

"The gunshot wound wasn't too bad, and we could have saved him
had you just not gutted and skinned him."

hahahah! reminds me of this one.

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.


A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Skippy, get out from under that chair before she shits on you!"

I purchased a Teddy Bear this morning for the princely sum of $10.

I named him Mohammed.

This afternoon I sold him on E-Bay for $30.

My question is, 'Have I made a prophet?'

:lol:

Stolen. This sounds like folks I know.
Howdy Folks,
Since the weather has been so nice lately I decided to
put up the Christmas lights on the trailer.

The kids gave me a hand for about to seconds, but that
didn't deturd me from completin' my task.

After about 6 and a half hours of work, 18 beers, 7 broken
bulbs, 3 electric shocks, 2 3rd degree burns and 1 bruised
wrist I finally finished... sort of.

Apparently, after beer #10 I started to decorate my
neighbors trailer, a pick-up truck, two trees, a pick-nic
table and a horse trailer.

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for that faucet?"
Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."
"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt
went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."

. . . This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

Just sayin', can one of the mods move that last one to the NSFW thread?

Sorry - wasn't thinkin

It was funny -- please re-post in NSFW! :)

i thought he should repost it in the RFN thread.

Grandpa's got a brand new bag!

Dog in Heat
 

"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother. "What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her father asked. "She should be here in a minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are
in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to
Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and
I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce,
you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think
about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both
fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay
then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5
bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that
should do us just fine."
By this time, Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought
into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce
won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you
do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

.

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

A Jewish Joke
 

Here are a couple for ya....................

What do you find inside a clean nose?



































Fingerprints!

Special Rules
 

For anyone who has commuted on I-95 anywhere between Philadelphia and the Maryland line has to go by a special issue Driver's handbook which was written to include the following guidance:

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident I-95 driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you; the space will just be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive onto I-95 from the on ramp, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.

4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop to enter I-95. No-one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. With no fault insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; they are given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. I-95 between Philadelphia and the Maryland line is the home of high-speed slalom-driving, thanks to the Pennsylvania & Delaware Departments of Transportation, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition along that corridor to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move over within three milliseconds of passing another car.

13. When passing someone who is driving the speed limit, it is required that you show him your middle finger.

14. Never blow your horn at a driver who is using a cell phone, it may interrupt the conversation.

Thanks, Cloud.

Sorry I didn't reply sooner.
I forgot to check the thread.

EATING TIPS FOR THE HOLIDAYS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy is not a stand-alone item. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's Eve. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat -- have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all costs. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, food in hand, drink in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "HOT DAMN! What a ride!"

Merry Christmas !!!

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my beer.

She's such a bitch.....

LOL! Hey wait, that kinda stings.

These two are out of character with the rest of the 'rules', because they are actually good safety tips. The rest of them are examples of poor, but common driving habits.

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, Corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....


"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."