Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing,
Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in
the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to
a tractor'."

[Don't make me 'splain this to you!]

I am not sure if this is funny ... you decide...

BREAKING NEWS!!! Casey Anthony places a call to 911 in fear of her life!
Dispatcher: "What is your emergency?"
Casey: "Please help me, I have a bunch of people trying to kill me."
Dispatcher: "Okay ma'am, calm down. What is your name?"
Casey: "Casey Anthony"
Dispatcher: "Okay Miss Anthony try to stay calm, an officer will be there in 31 days."

l saw that on FB yesterday and lol'd

It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon while Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf. On the first tee-box, Moses pulls out his driver and blisters a shot up the right side of the fairway, rolling fast towards a water hazard. Moses quickly raised his club, parting the water while his ball rolls through to the other side safely.

Golf Ball Hole In OneNext up on the tee, Jesus hits a really long drive right towards the very same water hazard. His ball came to rest dead center of the pond, hovering just over the surface of the water. Jesus casually walks out onto the pond, and chips it up onto the green within a couple feet of the flagstick.

Not impressed, the third guy steps up to the tee without taking any time and just randomly whacks at the ball. Rightfully so, the ball is hit with a nasty hook that clears the left OB markers and goes over a fence into oncoming traffic. It bounces off a truck’s windshield hitting a nearby tree, bounces onto the roof of the greenkeeper’s shed, back out onto the fairway and towards the same pond that Moses and Jesus hit. Before it gets wet, the ball ricochets off a small rock and bounces onto a lily pad on over the water when a bullfrog jumped up and ate the ball. Right at that moment, a bald eagle swoops down and grabs the frog, flying away. As it flew over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball right next to the flagstick, taking one bounce and landing in the cup for an astounding hole in one.

In disgust, Moses then turns to Jesus and says, “I hate playing with your Dad.”

I lol'd.

I showed it to a Spanish friend and he laughed too.

I was a LOLin' Juan.

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?"

Then she went back to reading her book.

If I have a rooster and you have a donkey, and your donkey eats the feet off of my rooster what do you have?

Wait for it.....

Two feet of my cock in your ass.

Hah!

~~~

What's the difference between a watchman and a police officer?



As a watchman, you may feel like a cop
but as a police officer, you can cop a feel

What's the difference between a pigmy tribe and a girls hockey team?

A pigmy tribe is a bunch of cunning runts

A girls hockey team is a bunch of running c*nts

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?

A pick pocket snatches watches

A peeping Tom watches snatches

What's the difference between Spexxvett and (insert name of any asshat here)?

One's a smart feller and the nother is a fart smeller.