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Hmmm...I may have to think about getting that. I might have to rob a hooker.
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Won't your sister be mad? lol!!! |
Nah, she doesn't get any money for it. She's safe.
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A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles." |
off a tangent from giantsalamander's fuck earth:
fuck: |
Boston police today reported finding a body in the Charles River.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption. He was described as wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink wig, a strap-on dildo, a Patriot's jersey, and had a cucumber stuffed up his ass. The police graciously removed the Patriot's jersey to spare the family unnecessary embarrassment. |
]A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. [Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't' she says. 'I was behind you at McDonalds.' |
I think you found the fontain of youth.
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One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??' |
Revenge
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting even! |
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It disappeared. Nebber mind.
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The Naked Cowboy
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?" The Cowboy says: "Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy ..." so here I am. Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist! |
After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he showed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad. Eventually they asked the Aussies for help. Within a minute the Aussies emailed the White House with this reply: 'tell the president he's holding the message upside down' |
Anyone see "Dancing with a man?" Someone sent to me today, it was a bad video. But I found one some where. I got a kick from it.
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A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared, the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long. She replied: "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week." The husband answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?" "I am just here to get something to eat." |
From "Wait, Wait...Don't Tell Me!":
I can't believe it's the year of the rat already. I'm still writing "Monkey" on all my checks. |
"My dog doesn't have a nose."
"Well then, how does he smell?" "Terrible." |
Ah, Hitler's failed attempt at a killing joke.
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Speaking of the germans:
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl |
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Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your evolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my panties. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the 'curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my friends have always called my "self-imposed-exhile-week" or depending on the look in my eyes 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Xxxxxx fought the violent urge to shove her husband's testic|es into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.' Are you fu**ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager masculine brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S& M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and tequila and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or 'Consider the implications of 25 to life,' or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. ALWAYS. Best, Kel_in_Sav |
WHAT'S SO FUCKING HUMOROUS ABOUT THAT????!!!!!111!!!
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A good friend of mine actually wrote that. I thought it was pretty damm funny.
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It is Merc... it is.
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yes it was, hon. Bruce got it.
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http://www.lifeisajoke.com/Pictures/hellsmostwanted.jpg
Man, I've got at least a dozen on this list. |
This isn't a judgement call on the intelligence of that banner... but Sports Fans?
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That's what I'm saying. They got me on being a sports fan. I don't remember that part of the bible, but sheese, they are opening the doors to lots of new people in Hell.
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From the Armstrong and Miller Show. The first one made me think of LJ....Cock!
I can recommend the rest in the menu for a giggle too :) Particularly 'Teenage Girls' |
Where did you get that from DanaC? So nice the palm lounge theme and the stiff upper-lip humour, smells like Michael Palin. Excellent. Thank you.
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It's the Armstrong and Miller Show (BBC) Those are two of their regular characters. That was off youtube:)
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New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: ______a Martini ______a Margarita ____ __ a Scotch and soda ______a Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______The sports page ______Chocolate or ______Sex It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had. Signature: ___________________________ Date: ___________________________ NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on! |
Ok, I printed out three of those wills, will sign and notarize and give a copy to the hospital, my oncologist and my mother.
do you think it'll fly? |
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A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a nickel. After a few minutes in the store, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?' No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney.' |
Photo on the Night Stand
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. She whispers in his ear "That's me before the surgery." |
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm not on drugs!!! ............wait for it........ ..........You're gonna love it............. The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate." |
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he said, "the seat is empty". "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it ?" Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend, or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral." |
The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep
>her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!" > >The husband said "The what"? The man repeated " The Voodoo Penis" and >pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and >said, "It looks like a dildo!" > >The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door!" > >The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding >the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a >crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, >return to box!" and the penis stopped and returned to the box. > >The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, and after the husband >had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She >undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch". The penis >shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind >shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. >She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to >tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and >started for the hospital. > >On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve over the >road. A police officer saw this and pulled her over. He asked for her >license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. > >Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink >officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis stuck in my crotch and it >won't stop screwing me......" > >The officer looked at her for a second , sho ok his head and said. "yeah >right....Voodoo Penis my ass...!" > >The rest, as they say, is history. |
Important Reminder for Internet Customers: Email accounts are limited to 100 MB of storage. An Email Storage fee of $1.00 for every 5 MG over the 100 MB limit will appear on your monthly statement effective March 1, 2008. To avoid these charges, simply delete saved email in your inbox, sent box and deleted items.
Hello. Please tell me what MG is again. I've forgotten. :bolt: |
A man walks in a Bank gets in line and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun.. and robs the Bank!
But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line. Did you see me Rob this Bank? The customer replies..YES! The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!.. SHOOTS HIM ON THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM! He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man...DID ...YOU... SEE.. ME... ROB THIS BANK???? The man calmly responds...No.. But My Wife Did! |
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be availa ble in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. |
Thanks for the stats. LJ. I just can't imagine when a 90 year old man demands a crutch exactly what he means.
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Best ‘Out of Office’ Automatic e-mail Replies
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all. 3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team. 4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. 7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. 9. I’ve run away to join a different circus. 10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Dave. |
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heard this on tv last night:
a woman walks into an elevator. There is one man inside. She says to him, "Can I smell your balls?" The man looks offended and says, "no!" She looks at him thoughtfully for a moment and says, "hmm. must be your feet." |
A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You > are mistaken, I am Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !" The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese." The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderf ul America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says , "No, I am from Africa !" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!!!!!! |
ZING!
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Good one classic. Fitting.
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Thanks guys - I am turning to humor much more as of late - Keeps my spirits up. That one is courtesy of Mom.
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Tale of the Irish Sausage
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea. He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers! They downed their drinks. Murphy said,'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub. |
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