This past week I came to terms with the fact that I am an alcoholic.
I have been all of my life. Recently I have risked my life with it, risked leaving my wife and son alone... I am an idiot and selfish bastard.
This morning a friend who has a cigar shop came and emptied my wine cellar and took all the alcohol and all of my homemade liquors (ironic hobby, yes?), he will be back for all of the glassware and bar-ware soon.
He is a good friend for getting up early and doing this for me.
I am terrified of what happens next, feel weak and ashamed of lying to myself for all of my life because I have always been a "functional drinker" and have "quit" for so many times and how I bla, bla, bla, bla... even with osteoporosis I drank encouraging bone loss, even with a failing liver, even with meds that...
Now, I don't have anything but my own ability to stick to my convictions to deal with this.
I don't believe in a higher power that controls shit, nothing but will.
My son's well being and the shame of what I have done will be enough, it has to be.

In your case , can't will-power be seen as a higher power , rkzenrage ? Perhaps some people , unlike you , need to personify the concept of will ? This is why they use God .

Perhaps, still very new for me and I am absorbing it... giving in to it, I guess. It will come.

My best wishes to you. It is a tricky, tricky thing, alcoholism. Try not to beat yourself up too terribly.

((((((((((((((Rkzenrage))))))))))))

That first admission is a rough one, and you've done it.

When I want a drink, I think of my children and the impact my behavior has on them. I think of how I'm shortening my life (I also have liver problems) and how selfish and unfair to them that is. I tell myself that I have been strong enough to survive SO much in my life, and that I am stubborn enough to refuse to give in to this desire. I don't tell myself I will never drink again, just that I won't have a drink today. Just for today I will drink non-alcoholic drinks and stay sober.

When I first quit drinking, I was at loose ends without a beer nearby. I spent hours and days immersing myself in creating bead loom jewelry. One tiny bead, then another, then another...pull tight, fit it under the threads and weave the needle back through...rinse, repeat. It kept me occupied and the repetitive detail work helped focus me on something other than...omg, NOT drinking.

I know that precise activity is not feasible for you, but finding something focused and detailed to concentrate on helps...

Oh! I kept the last two beers from the last 12 pack I ever bought in my fridge for 2 years. I'm not sure exactly why, probably because as long as those two beers were still in there...I was sober. I'm weird like that...

Whatever works for YOU is all that matters. Good luck!

Stormie

You have taken the first, most difficult step, rk. I admire and respect you for that, and wish you strength to carry on down the road on which you have just taken the first step.

My liver problems started due to my illness, though I'm sure my drinking helped a great deal... the fact that I knew that and still drank really stays with me.

Thank all of you for your support and kindness.

We have several AA meeting places that are not religiously located....there's even one in the cellar of a bar.

AA meetings are a gathering of a group of people that have one thing in common.....they are alcoholics that don't want to be and are trying to do something about it. That may be the only thing they have in common because they're a cross section on the general population, with all the prejudices and traits that implies.

Just because you have something in common with someone doesn't make them your friend or enemy.....they're strangers and must be treated with the same caution. ;)